RULES OF PUPPET BREEDERS (manipulations In Pairs)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

PUPPET BREEDING RULES

(pair manipulations)

Beat the dog with a stick, starve it, then pet it, feed it, beat it again and tame it again with handouts, and eventually it will start doing any trick.

T. Dreiser "Titan"

People are expected to have a showy interest in the fate of others if they expect to manipulate them. Over time, as such ethics spread, a person realizes that manipulation is at the heart of all interpersonal contact. People are alienated from each other, as each secretly tries to turn the other into a tool for the realization of their own goals. And over time, the circle closes: a person turns himself into an instrument of serving his own goals and alienates himself from himself

Charles Wright Mills "White Collar Workers: The American Middle Class"

Let's start with the basics

Manipulation is something that surrounds us always and everywhere, something that we get used to from early childhood, but still we are not ready for it when we begin to experience sincere feelings and enter into a real, important relationship for us. Why is that?

Manipulation always presupposes a hidden psychological effect on another in order to get something that, in the opinion of the manipulator, he would not give with open and confidential communication. It turns out that in the case of manipulation, the desired and the actual do not coincide: we do not believe in our success in communication or do not know how to achieve the fulfillment of a desire with the least loss, except using dishonest methods.

You should not think that manipulators (and this is ourselves) are entirely "wicked" and selfish scoundrels, because a person can manipulate unconsciously (for example, a child who catches that parents are reconciled and in a good mood, so now you can ask to fulfill any whim and there will be no refusal) or consciously, but with the best intentions (not to hurt another, not create a conflict, simplify the situation, not give unnecessary information, etc.). In addition, we often ourselves allow manipulation in relation to ourselves, if we do not know how to defend personal boundaries or say "no" in time.

It must be understood that the main task of manipulation is always control over the situation, that is, the mastery of resources in communication. These resources can be sex, authority in a couple, prioritization, management of material and intangible benefits (who has a wallet, who decides where and how to relax, who has the last word, etc.), as well as an unconscious anxious desire to avoid too close contact with partner (in this case, manipulation performs the function of protection from the other, when we are anxious that “now he will recognize me as I am, and in horror will turn away, leave, abandon”). Initially, manipulation is just a form, we ourselves fill it with meaning and color, which depend on our goals and the chosen means. It depends on us whether manipulation becomes a game, suffering or a sum of simple steps.

So:

1. manipulation is a hidden psychological effect when the desired and the actual do not coincide

2. according to the form of influence, manipulation can be unconscious or conscious

3. control is what the manipulator is aiming for

Who are manipulators and how do they do it?

Manipulation is triggered when, in a pair, one of the partners begins to perceive the other not as an end, but as a means to an end. It is at this moment that the choice takes place. Let's remember a common anecdote:

Dad leaves for Leningrad and says:

- Whoever composes a poem about a present and Leningrad, that one I will bring.

Masha: Dad is going to Leningrad. Dad will buy chocolate.

Dad: I'll bring you chocolate, Mashenka.

Sasha: Dad is going to Leningrad. Dad will buy a scooter.

Dad: The scooter is already yours.

Little Johnny: Dad is going to Leningrad. Dad will buy me a moped.

Dad: Well, Little Johnny, not in rhyme. So that in five minutes I came up with the right thing.

Little Johnny (after 5 minutes): Dad goes to Leningrad.

Mom's boyfriend will be happy.

Mom's khakhal is our neighbor.

Dad will buy me a moped.

Little Johnny's answer is pure manipulation of his father's feelings, pressure on his male pride, fear of losing his family.

As a rule, the key to successful manipulation is knowledge of the partner's weak points, his fears, expectations, conflicting desires and internal conflicts. You need to feel good about others, be an expert on human souls, in order to use this knowledge, willingly or unwillingly, for your own benefit. For example, in another joke, the wife exclaims:

- Darling, have you seen my diamond earrings?

- Yes, you never had them!

- That's it!

There is a manipulation of the wife with the feelings of her husband (the competitiveness of a man, his financial viability) in order to obtain material satisfaction in a relationship.

Manipulators adhere to four main strategies (see below for techniques):

1. "Hold on to me - everything will be in chocolate" is the way of the typical Rescuer. He is always and everywhere in the thick of things. If there are no difficulties, then he will create them himself. You will not even notice how such a partner has already begun to equip your life, took everything into his own hands and, perhaps, does not require gratitude, but he is very much waiting for it. The rescuer does not help unselfishly, he must have a list of goals, including increasing self-importance at the expense of another.

2. "Help me!" - the position of the Victim usually evokes sympathy and a sincere desire to participate in the fate of this unfortunate person. Conscientiousness, decency, humanity are the necessary qualities to find yourself in the networks set by the Sacrifice. You will not understand why lately you have been feeling constantly guilty around this person, but you love him so much, so you want the light of hope to dawn in his unhappy life. The victim will solve their own problems at your expense until you put an end to it., and then you immediately become a "bad" partner, cruel, insensitive, insensitive.

3. "I'm a star" - people with a narcissistic mindset usually really attract attention with their inner strength, talents, and their achievements. They have a lot of energy and love … for themselves. I would like to be in their orbit, and at first it seems that they are imbued with you, and you begin to believe that you are the one whom they fell in love with and who will unite your lives into one. Do not flatter yourself: you are only interesting to the extent that they feel your attention to themselves.

4. "You to me, I to you" - you can live with the Merchant for many years, but also not know that he has been benefiting all this time. Then it suddenly turns out that a long-awaited apartment has been received (registration, car, position, useful acquaintances, something else) and you can get rid of you. Your partner will be nice, courteous, polite to your friends and relatives, and then, when his plan is fulfilled, will leave you bewildered and heartbrokenbecause there was no trust in your relationship from the very beginning.

Consider main techniques of manipulators:

- depreciation … "You can't even imagine how I feel …", "And this is a concern? That's who really thinks about everything, it's me …", "Yes, I understand, but everything is really complicated for me, just listen …", "Who worked, did you work? Is it really a job to wipe your pants, but I … "This technique is especially effective in pairs, where one of the partners low self-esteem

- flattery (as well as compliments, assenting, winking, hugging, reducing interpersonal distance, pseudo-trusting). "Only a clever girl like you could do it …", "Are you not only a beauty, but you also cook well, that would be to check …", "Well, you know exactly how to live right, otherwise I would I never married you … "," Oh, I read your last article, it's just amazing! Honey, what will we spend the fee on? " Tell me, how can you tell where is the manipulator's flattery, and where is the sincere admiration of a loving person? In a sincere relationship, there is respect for success without the task of getting something in return, that is, unselfishness;

- intimidation, pressure, blackmail. "Honey, if I don't get this ring, we have nothing more to talk about because you are greedy" (blackmail + depreciation), "It's all your upbringing!", "If you don't get this job, we will be beggars on the street! "," I'll have to tell the children that you've decided to leave the family if you don't apologize right now! " only decent people are worthy of love for our family. " These and many other formulations make the heart clench with fear that you do not pull, you are not worthy, you cannot cope, you will become a laughing stock that you will be thrown away as an unnecessary thing;

- comparison … "My mother cooks such borscht, why don't you cook this?" ! "," When we met, you were so fragile and tender, but now … "Comparison kills relationships no less than other ways of pressure in relationships, because demonstrates partners' frustration with each other;

- substitution of meaning. "So a green sofa is better?" (although the decision on the purchase has not yet been made), "Do you want cabbage rolls at your mother's place or do you want pilaf?" (although they were not going to my mother), "And why are you so stubborn / smart / touchy / principled …" (and so on, there are many such questions in the arsenal of Pochechek), "You do not respect me, if you say so …", not a discussion of actions, situations)

- exchange. “I’ll have to give up maintaining my health in the gym, since you want us to spend more time together. But then you will have to…”, “I don’t need a new car, I don’t need anything at all, but…”, “I have such a gift for you, I had to work hard, but that's for later, but now … As a result of the bidding, we do not always get what we need, and we do not always know what the manipulator really needs, so we remain in the tension that he will require next.

Of course, this is not a complete list of manipulator techniques, but they are quite common.

We hold the blow

You can learn to resist manipulation, there are a few simple rules:

1. Give yourself a couple of minutes pause before reacting. - it is necessary in order, firstly, to realize the very fact of manipulation, and secondly, to adapt to it and develop protection;
2. Do not be confused, remember the main goal in the relationship, separate the situation from the person himself. Make sure that the manipulator cannot carry out the substitution of concepts, keep a realistic view of the situation. Notice the action itself, without imposing, without attributing your fears, anxieties and negative beliefs to another;
3. Do not play games, do not become one level with the manipulator - ignore the technique you saw or calmly say that you see what he is trying to do. Manipulation is impossible if partners are open about what is happening. Do not make excuses, but analyze … This is your choice, your life, you are not obliged to justify your actions in front of anyone, but a logical analysis of the situation will give another understanding of your position;
4. Don't compete in a relationship - in a pair, each of us has his own unique place, which the other is not able to replace with himself. Do not seek to break your partner - war does not lead to respect and openness;
5. Don't judge the other, no one is perfect and has the right to make mistakes, their opinions, their own delusions and shortcomings. Try not to criticize your partner., but talk about their feelings, feelings, their reactions to what is happening. This is the person you have chosen, you like him that way;
6. Take criticism in a constructive, positive way., that is, not as an attempt to humiliate you, but as a desire to make you better. If your partner is trying to get personal, stop him - "Yes, thank you, I'll think about it", "Yes, I understand, but I feel differently, namely …". Do not provoke, even if the fists itch and the mood is bad and you want to win back on someone. Don't become a manipulator yourself - in a relationship, this is a sign of a lack of sincere feelings and trust;
7. If you understand that you are in a manipulative situation, but are not able to resist it now, or you feel that you can boil yourself and provoke an even more serious conflict, simply physically leave the place of conversation and come back when the moment is over or you are in shape;
8. Be respectful with your partner, strive to openly discuss any controversial issuesbecause reticence, secrets and fears give rise to manipulation;
9. Appreciate yourself - you deserve everything you want and are able to endure. Self-doubt makes you an easy target for manipulators of any kind. You have a right to a different opinion from your partner, on the opportunity to say “I don’t know”, on refusal, on the decision, to help someone or not, on mistakes and delusions;

10. Be paradoxical and unexpected - do not act as expected of you, be yourself and be happy!

(The article was co-authored with a colleague, friend Vera Shutova).