2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Perhaps this is one of the most useful articles I can write for my readers …
So, when a couple comes for a consultation for the first time, the family therapist should always clarify whether the identification of the family (both external and internal) is complete. Internal identification is a person's awareness and acceptance of the fact that the partner is his spouse and they both form a family. Simply put, a man considers his woman to be his wife, and a woman to her man as her husband
Normally, identification should be total (extend to spheres of life) and final (made a choice and does not consider other candidates for a wife). And here I want to present one very important thought: there is no unconditional love between spouses! Your partner always chooses and loves you for something and for some reason! If he does not know why, he either does not realize it, or the internal identification is not complete. And both of these options are fraught with problems for the family.
Let me explain. If the spouses do not understand by what criteria they choose each other, then there is a risk that they may not notice how these points will disappear from their lives. Sometimes in such cases they say: "Feelings are gone! There is no more love! I have lost interest in you!" and everyone believes that love can simply "evaporate." And we start to investigate, it turns out that quite prosaic things in the form of money, respect, sex, trust and the like have disappeared in the family.
Or another option: the couple has been living together for several years, but there is no wedding, there are no plans for the future, the situation is unstable and you can hear the following: “I'm not ready for a family yet! good? And in general: in principle I will not go to the registry office! There is a good chance that the partner still doubts whether you are the person with whom he wants to live his whole life. And perhaps he knows for sure that you are not attracted to his wife, but for now it is beneficial for him to stay with you for some time.
So what do you do? It's simple: clarify and complete the internal identification. There will be a separate post about completion, and there is a good technique for clarification:
First, both and separately write 10 reasons why you choose your partner. These can be traits of character, and behavior, and material reasons.
Then you exchange these lists and start asking each other about each item: "What does this mean to you? What is the benefit to you? How does it make you feel?"
Let me give you an example:
"You are kind. - What does this kindness mean to you?" - That you treat people well.
"What's the use to you?"
- I understand that you will not offend me either.
- And what is the feeling when you are not offended?
- I feel safe. I'm calm"
So we find out that it is not for your kindness that your partner lives with you, but for the sense of security (function of social protection) that he feels. This feeling will disappear - the identification will "stagger".
Or "You are beautiful!" maybe about aesthetic pleasure (emotional and cultural function), and about sexual attraction (sexual and erotic).
This technique helps you understand what things are vital for your partner, what exactly needs to be closely monitored. I always urge families not to relax, but to be considerate and sensitive to each other's needs.
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