8 Ways To Avoid Intimacy In A Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

You have an ongoing or intermittent relationship, but avoid intimacy per se with your partner. What methods do people usually use?

1. Sexualization … Mostly men use this method, but in our time the world has changed a lot, and women can also do this. What's the point? Having met a person to whom you begin to feel warmth and closeness, you immediately enter into an intimate relationship with him, and you do not seem to need to experience other feelings. Why do we need ways to avoid intimacy? In order not to experience those pleasant and warm feelings of emotional attachment, because they are so scary. As a rule, after intimacy, the partners' feelings, experiences and feelings of closeness fall deeply inside. However, the situation here is twofold - for someone it falls, for someone it becomes stronger. Oxytocin is secreted in both men and women, but in the latter, the level of the hormone becomes much higher, hence the strong attachment (as if there is a feeling that by our action we will create a strong bond, and the relationship will become unbreakable, but this is not a fact). As a rule, behind such a quick “jumping into bed” lies the anxiety to experience close and pleasant feelings, affection, etc.

2. Rationalization in relationships. What does this mechanism itself presuppose? Man, instead of feeling, thinks. He tries to explain all his feelings logically, so he has a sense of control of his attachment. Why is this happening? The reason is the same - the fear of becoming attached to a partner and entering into true intimacy. Moreover, a particular phenomenon is inherent in the situation - a person, as a rule, drops out part of the information (he evaluates only some of the sides of the relationship).

How can this look in terms of feelings? A very frequent rationalization from the category - I do not need relationships, they are only troubles, etc. Inside the relationship, rationalization will look like this - “It’s me who do not feel warmth, it’s just so nice to me with a person. I need someone so that I would not be bored, to diversify my life. However, if a person says so, you still feel his craving for relationships, he really needs them, and this is not about bringing banal variety to life.

Another option for rationalization is with a tinge of materialization (instead of thanking you, you are showered with gifts; instead of speaking in words and experiencing all the feelings, the person begins to over-care and care). In other words, in order not to feel their feelings, people "pour" them into actions.

3. Projection, idealization, devaluation - we perceive another person better or worse than he really is, endowing him with some of our far-fetched qualities. Quite often, using this method, we first put a person on a pedestal, then abruptly throw him out of there ("Oh, God! How awful he really is! How could I fall in love with him?") When he did not live up to our expectations.

The mechanism of idealization and devaluation is most often associated with the fact that within ourselves we cannot recognize our imperfection, some peculiarities, advantages and disadvantages. It also happens that virtues with neutral qualities are considered disadvantages, people are ashamed of them and ashamed to prove themselves as they really are. This behavior cannot be called pretense, it is not associated with anger - "I try to do better for my partner, more beautiful, I agree with him." In other words, people try to be comfortable, and often the reason for such actions is hidden in projections (“This person expects me to be a good housewife, dress nicely, be sure to choke on a date,love certain music or cuisine "). All their own projections are realized in a relationship, then the person gets very tired and falls down.

Idealization and depreciation can be not only in the zone of another person, but also in their own zone. First, a person exalts himself (I am so good and correct), then he gets tired of it and devalues it. Everything happens inside the one who idealizes, but it also pours out on the partner. In general, this is a rather complex mechanism, and psychotherapy is best for working it out here - projections are difficult to see, since they go to another person, and are not appropriated to oneself (here it is important to assign them to oneself).

4. Merge (what is called codependency in society) - we merge with a partner and no longer see him as a separate person. When communicating with a partner, we increasingly perceive him only in conjunction with each other - relatively speaking, you no longer know whether you want tea or coffee, whether you want to go to the cinema or take a walk to the park. Everything is decided by the partner, and where he said, there you follow him, like a "tail". It's not bad if you become aware of yourself as a person and ask yourself “Do I really want tea with my partner? Or maybe have a coffee? " If a person is not aware of himself, he fell into codependency, and this is one of the main criteria that means that you, as a person, disappear in a relationship.

5. Retroflection, egotism. A person closes in on himself and says that he does not need anyone else (“I am my own best friend!”). This form of isolation suggests that inside you do not have enough resources for intimacy and relationships. This is a kind of defensive reaction, not a conscious choice, but a choice without choice.

Retroflection can even be in a relationship, when all your interactions and inner motivations are directed towards yourself. The most difficult feelings are anger and anxiety, and they are related. You get angry with the other person, but you hurt yourself instead. What is the reason for the interruption of intimacy here? If you are angry with another person, but you don't tell him about it, your relationship gets worse and worse - you need to deal with what makes you angry (for example, your partner does not wash a mug every day, does not close a tube of pasta). At first glance, any trifle may conceal a more serious problem. Such household items accumulate, and then, as a rule, an explosion occurs.

If retroflection is peculiar to a person, it will manifest itself not only in small things, but also in something larger. Such a person will not tolerate everything in a relationship, tormenting inside, experiencing moments of increased anxiety (complete chaos in the head, because everything is kept in the head, instead of splashing out). Retroflection is a specific mechanism, and many began to suffer from it during quarantine. Even if you are at home alone, you are constantly worried about something - the mug is not washed, you have watched the series, viewed the feed on social networks. Everything that you see, what is happening around, excites you, evokes a response. If you do not bring emotions out, feelings will intensify, turn into huge chaos, anxiety, and maybe depression. That is why retroflection is dangerous not only for relationships, but also for the person for whom it is characteristic.

6. Self-defense, overprotection. The method is typical for counter-dependent people who see attacks a lot out of fear of intimacy. When a person sees attacks on himself in everything, his boundaries are violated (in his opinion), “some intrigues are being built against him,” there can be paranoid behavior in the relationship. Relatively speaking, a person is always afraid that something will be stolen from him, because his resources are few.

7. The wrong people are found all the time - not the kind of person with whom you can build a long and stable relationship. For example, you have a need to build relationships. You found a potential partner, but he turned out to be a "double-headed narcissist", not adapted for a relationship; Don Juan, who rushes about women, and does not really need a relationship. It happens that a person wants to stretch the dating period for a long time ("I'm not ready now, I just want to meet for now"). So, if you always find people with whom it is impossible to build intimacy, it means that you yourself are afraid of intimacy.

8. Long distance relationships. In fact, this is not a relationship! This is not intimacy with a partner, not point contact, you do not have constant interaction, most often you do not share your life with a person. Sometimes it may be so - you live half your life together (families of sailors and truckers, when a man is 4-6 months on a voyage, and 2 months at home). It takes time for intimacy - a month or two to get in touch and trust each other, but the partners simply do not have time to build close relationships (a vacation goes on, and one of them leaves).