2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
My future husband has the boundaries of a healthy person. If he doesn't like something, he talks about it completely openly - without aggression and collision, without ingratiating himself or apologizing, without fear of offending or disliking. He has no fear of upsetting the delicate balance and provoking an unexpected reaction. Balanced, self-confident, with a stable psyche - sometimes he reminds me, an inveterate dog lover, of St. Bernard.
As a child of a neurotic mother prone to borderline behavior, it took me a very long time in personal therapy to learn not to be afraid to express my opinion. A person who is accustomed to walking on shells in childhood (the English expression walking on egg shells reflects this state as best as possible) finds it difficult to defend boundaries. We suffer, trying to formulate so as not to cause an avalanche in response, which will bury us underneath. Therefore, someone becomes unnecessarily shy, ready to constantly give in and bend over. And someone, on the contrary, chooses a harsh and authoritarian style, so that they immediately backhand and come what may. Neither format is constructive. In the first case, you run the risk of turning into a terpila - if only you do not scold. In the second - the aggressor - since they will still be punished, so let it be better for what. In short, behavior a la "wise gudgeon" (he lived trembled - he died trembled) against the manifesto "to die like this with music."
In fact, it turns out that you don't have to die at all. You just need to be very clear about what you are doing and why. When we were choosing furniture for our tiny apartment in Paris, out of a childish habit, I tried to choose words. Instead of twirling around in the language "what the hell" and "what an ugliness" I used the expressions "I'm not sure if this stylistic solution suits us" and "I prefer neoclassicism." At the same time, on the one hand, I was furious that I could not openly express my thoughts, and on the other, I was wildly envious of the ease with which my partner brushed aside the options I did not like. He said one single phrase, "I don't like it." Everything. If I started asking why, I would gladly argue.
When a psychologist got the better of a woman in love, for research purposes, I swung at my innermost:
- Are you not afraid to offend me when you reject the bookcase I offered?
Highly raised eyebrows answered me.
- Why should you be offended by the bookcase? - he froze for a second and suddenly darkened, realizing an insane combination: "reject my choice" is equal to "reject me." “I’m going to live with you all my life, and I’m certainly not going to quarrel over a piece of wood. But if you don't like something, will you tell me?
Damn it, dear, of course, I'll tell you, I couldn't stand it. And at the same time I will try not to ride over you with a roller of my childhood traumas - just like that, just in case, I will transfer all the shells on which I was so sick of walking as a child. Who knows will understand. Hello mom. Hello my adult life.
Recommended:
A Healthy Mind In A Healthy Body
Why does an excellent student, who is ready to stay awake at night because of the "five", so often have a stomach ache? Why does a toddler, who can’t get used to the tough routine of kindergarten, not get rid of enuresis in any way?
A Healthy Person Does Not Want To Get Married
Many of my acquaintances perked up noticeably when they learned that I was going to meet with Mikhail Labkovsky. Frankly, I myself was not familiar with his famous rules, and the full halls of admirers of the shocking approaches of the famous psychologist at his lectures became a revelation for me.
Psychologically Healthy Person - Habit Of Asking
The fifteenth habit of a healthy person is the habit of asking openly for what you need. There was such a great blockbuster (though I don’t remember the name), and there was this phrase: “ask and it will be given to you”. I don’t remember the name of that blockbuster, but the phrase in my head was postponed one hundred percent.
Partner Psychopath, Why Can't You Build A Healthy Relationship With An Unhealthy Person?
Relationships are only 50% dependent on ourselves. The remaining 50% is the responsibility of our partners. We can act flawlessly in terms of the rules for building effective communication, but if we are paired with a psychopath or narcissist, then it's all useless.
Attachment. Healthy And Not Healthy
When we talk about relationships, we often mean such concepts as: intimacy, codependency-independence-independence and attachment. Today we will talk about such a thing as attachment. So, attachment is a formed emotional bond between two people.
