Temporary Parenting, Or How We Feel When We Are Told: "I'm Not Your Mother!"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

TEMPORARY Parenthood,

or how we feel when we are told: "I am not your mother!"

With sorrow and pain, through a simple analysis, we can state that parenting is no longer in trend. Every year Slavic families are getting smaller and smaller, young people are getting more and more reluctant to marry, fewer and fewer people who want to become dads and mothers. Closer to 40, many realize that parenting is not only eternal stress, a waste of resources and money, sleepless nights and endless problems - it is also joy, pleasure, an opportunity to relive spontaneity and openness, sincerity and carelessness, which are only in children. Someone has time to "jump on the last carriage", someone is late … You ask: what is the problem? Our planet is already overpopulated, flora and fauna are dying due to the total and uncontrolled reproduction of individual representatives of the human race …

But I want to talk about something else. O parenting in the broadest sense of the word … For this it is not necessary to have our own children - there may be enough adopted, symbolic and all the other people around us, about whom we care, whom we raise and support.

I want to talk about the words that hurt us and devalue parenting.

I'll start with a story - it is quite common at a psychologist's appointment. Inna, my client, again complains about her husband. About her husband - does not drink, works, earns, loves his wife and children. Inna's complaints are varied - he does it wrong, and this is both clumsy, and emotionally dull, and boring … But the worst thing is that he sometimes comes tired, complains … And Inna needs to listen to all this. And sometimes he forgets her instructions … And it happens - on Saturday he wants not to clean-wash-cook-go shopping with his wife - but lie down … Like, tired for a week, the work is responsible …. And she is very angry with him. She's tired too! But it doesn't whine.

I understand Inna well. I hear how she is periodically annoyed by this or that action of her husband. Yes, he appears to be slow and exhausting. But something else surprises me. From three to ten times per session, she can repeat one phrase: "I'm not his mom!"

Inna is not alone. More and more often I hear not only from clients, but also simply from different people: "She is not my daughter", "I am not his mother!", "I am not their parent!"

Everything seems to be logical - a person indicates his position. People who are obsessed with their own boundaries pronounce it like a mantra: "I am not your mother !!!" But let's try to "unpack" this message.

Who is mother? What are its functions? I think my dear readers will help me and add a lot of what I missed. In general, the mother is the one who takes care of the child when he is weak, vulnerable, needs total help and care. When he grows up, she teaches him, controls, educates, praises, scolds, evaluates, controls … And most importantly - loves. A “good enough mother” knows, understands and feels the “dose” of her intervention. The same maternal passion, about which Julia Kristeva wrote, is transformed over the years into love, tenderness and the ability to let go of the child.

Who is father? What are its functions? In the era of the feminization of men, the masculinization of women and the tendency of marriages to be egalitarian, his functions largely overlap with those of the mother. But if the mother is the image of the world, then the father is the mode of action in this world. He protects, builds boundaries, cares, evaluates, stimulates … And he also loves - perhaps not as emotionally as his mother, showing his love in a different way.

Both parents - both father and mother - are our guides into the world. But rarely does any parent fail made mistakes … Remember for yourself. Offended? Rejected? Did you give it to your grandmother / kindergarten / school / sports section early? Scolded? Blamed? Little praise? Did they demand a lot? Didn't buy? Didn't play? Not allowed? Were you unfair? Notreleased?

The list of parental "sins" is huge. Even if they did "nothing of the sort", the child could perceive their behavior in a very specific way. For example, my mother just sighed in silence - and he already said to himself, “You are nothing. You have failed again. " And every sigh and look of the mother was another coin in the piggy bank of his understanding: “I am bad, unworthy, pitiful. They don't love me …"

And then the wonderful phrase "I'm not your mother" is a phrase that can lead to regression, offend, humiliate … This message: "You behave like a child! You screwed up again! I am not your parent, guardian, I am not responsible for you, I don’t want to hear about your problems! You are not my own! " It seems that it was aimed at returning responsibility, to cheer up - but in fact it hurts and hurts.

Because it falls into the most vulnerable part of our soul.

Because those who "turn on" this phrase, again and again meet with the next incarnation of their own mother:

• Inattentive. Because an attentive one would have noticed: something is wrong! For some reason, everything did not go according to plan!
• Accusing. Tone, voice, phrase - everything says: “You are bad / bad! You're no good for anything! You mess up all the time!"
• Rejecting. “I'm not your mother” - sounds like “you are nobody to me”. Because you don't deserve it.
• Aggressive. This attack is "I don’t …!" Don't come near me with such idiotic messages / actions / feelings!
• Devaluating. “You're acting like a child again! How long to! I'm tired!"
• Cold. At that moment, when support is so needed, she steps back and turns to stone.
• Indifferent. "I do not care! The result is important to me, not the explanation!"

If a person - it doesn't matter whether a man or a woman - had a mother who was attentive, warm, accepting, caring, supportive and at the same time with good boundaries - he will not hurt himself about this phrase, I will most likely say or think: “Clear pepper, not mother! My mother would never do that! But all the traumatized, deprived, wounded in childhood adults immediately automatically resonate with the message and respond - with pain, sadness, anger, reciprocal withdrawal and indifference.

I often think about this paradox - people who need warmth and support often choose partners who are completely unable to give it to them. The answer to this paradox is provided by the research and observations of Fairbairn, who discovered in the middle of the last century: children who were rejected and punished by their parents are much more attached to them than children from prosperous families to their own. Growing up, these children find adult counterparts to their parents, reproducing their early traumas over and over again in partnerships.

Maria knows that her husband has business problems. He has had constant checks in his office for the past six months. He can lose business, money, and reputation. The husband is awake and takes antidepressants. He is very tired and is constantly late at work. No sex for six months - antidepressants are doing their job. The family has two small children, and Maria, despite the help of two grandmothers, is very tired. In the last conflict with her husband, when he came home after midnight, Mary was "carried away" - although he warned that he would draw up a report until the last. She screamed so that the children woke up. “I'm tired of being a mother to everyone! I'm not your mother! You don’t help me with the children at all! Why should I bother with them all day, and then stay awake and wait for you until 12 at night? " The husband first explained and made excuses, and then went to sleep in another room and stopped talking to his wife.

What happened, you ask, dear readers?

It's simple. He feels bad. She knows how hard it is for him. His reputation, his wealth and his life's work are in jeopardy. He is tired. She is in nervous tension all the time. He needs support. But she was tired too. She also needs support. She worries about her husband, is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, worries about him - but cannot help him in a difficult moment …

What do you think? Can two exhausted, tired people, sad, exhausted and a little angry, help each other?

How do you think?

I think they can.

But help in this situation is the opposite of the program statement "I'm not your mother!" This is something completely different to the ideas of “returning responsibility”, “building boundaries”, “distributing responsibilities”. Because here for us such a skill as empathy is very important - the ability to take the place of another person and feel what is happening to him now. And if we "catch" waves of anxiety, disorganization, fear, longing, sadness, vulnerability - there is a high probability that our loved one has regressed to a childhood state.

And then - attention - it is important to get out of this state, because if we merge with a partner, we will get two small, scared, angry, sad or disorganized children. Exit and return to yourself as an adult, and then turn on the "mom" or "dad" function.

Therefore, in this situation, the best way out is temporary parenting.

Let me explain. I have written more than once that a healthy person flexibly combines different roles. A woman in a relationship with a man can switch to "vertical roles" - mother and daughter, and "horizontal roles" - wife, lover, sister, girlfriend. A man in a relationship with a woman can be in hierarchical roles - father or son, as well as in equal roles - husband, lover, brother, friend. There are many more roles, but the skills of determining the necessary and flexible switching from one to another are the key to psychological health and long-term relationships.

And then, if we see that the partner is in regression, tired, angry, capricious, we can temporarily be a calming, consoling parent, containing his feelings.

Both Inna and Maria shout "I'm not your mother!" Because it is obvious that in this situation they themselves become children. They don't behave like an adult. The result is sad - two pairs of offended, misunderstood, wounded children do not hear and do not understand each other. And temporary parenting allows for a short while to become the very mother for the husband / wife, which each of us periodically needs.

And then instead of the phrase "I'm not your mother" it is better to use:

• Directional per partner Attention … “I notice that you are (sad, tired, you don’t want to do anything). What happened?"
• Support: “You can rely on me now. I'll take care of you."
• Proximity: “I'm yours (wife, girlfriend, husband, friend). I'm near".
• Tenderness … This can be hugging, touching, stroking the head, a glass of tea, or a cup of coffee.
• Goodwill.
• A message to a partner about his values: “You deserve to rest”, “You came late, I was worried. Whatever happens, we can handle it, because you are very …"
• Inclusiveness: “Can I help you somehow? Helpful / helpful?"

These simple actions can make a difference. We all come from childhood. And when we, little ones, break a knee, or are offended, or sad, we would look for help, support and care from our parents. After being nourished with their love, having received comfort and care, we can play again, rejoice, grow and learn. As adults, we sometimes regress to childhood vulnerability. And then we need a temporary symbolic mom or dad - in order to cry, to be sad, to receive confirmation that in spite of everything we are loved, accepted and appreciated. If partners are sensitive to the needs of the husband / wife, they take turns “growing up” each other. And then temporary parenting, partial parenting, symbolic parenting is a good way out.

For a long time I have not been under the illusion that there are adults in the world. Because we are adults only in a certain place and in a certain, rather limited time period. And in other places and at other times we are often stubborn, capricious, spiteful, dissatisfied, insecure, exhausted, sad little children.

And to return to our normal adult state, we need a little.

We need words.

We need touch.

We need acceptance.

We need love and support.

We need attention.

We need someone next to us who can sometimes temporarily be a good parent.

Our mom or our dad.

Not for long.

Or a few days.

While we are sad, sick or fighting our Dragons.

And then we will become adults again.

And we can give our partner - when needed - the same.

We will be able to be a good temporary parent for him - and then again as a husband, wife, lover and brother, sister and friend….

But sometimes it's still a parent.

Because parenting - real and symbolic, permanent and temporary - should always be in trend.