False Self Formation Technology

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Video: False Self Formation Technology

Video: False Self Formation Technology
Video: The True and the False Self 2024, March
False Self Formation Technology
False Self Formation Technology
Anonim

The False Self turns out to be painfully dependent on the Other,

trying to get from him

any confirmation of its existence

Do you know what is the scariest part of a family upbringing?

No, not grades, not shouts, not threats and not even physical punishment … The worst thing in raising a child is ignoring. Ignoring coming from the closest and most significant people - parents.

The entire experience of people with attachment problems speaks volumes about this.

- "It would be better if they yelled, even beat them with a belt - if only not this emphasized cold detachment!"

- "If only I knew that I will get for the case and that's it," the case is closed, "but you feel like an empty place!"

- "The hardest thing was to endure the indifference of the parents, demonstrated by them for educational purposes."

I often hear similar phrases from my clients.

TYPES OF PARENTAL IGNORATION

There are two types of ignore:

  • Disregard for educational purposes.
  • Ignoring as a result of a lack of attachment to your child.
  • Ignoring. as inability of the mother to closeness with the child, due to her psychological problems.

Ignoring the first type is essentially manipulative. It is even more dangerous than direct aggression, since it is carried out "for the good of the child." Carried out under such a "seasoning", it can disarm anyone. As a result of these parenting actions, the child learns the following lesson: Be comfortable. Such as you are, you are not needed here! Nobody is interested in your desires, feelings, thoughts!

Punishment and ignorance are not the same thing. Punishing the child, we pay attention to him, we get involved in the child emotionally. When we ignore, we do not notice, or we pretend that we do not notice. The message “I am not for you, but you are not for me!” Is hidden in ignoring. I do not know you! Who are you anyway? If ignored, the child is faced with a chilling emptiness Nothing!

Ignored, not accepted, as a rule, everything spontaneous, immediate, lively - inconvenient for parents. Everything that is convenient - predictable, socially decent - is supported. In this way, the real, living I is gradually "erased", being replaced by a false one, alien to the I.

This "pedagogical technique" is used by parents, as a rule, due to ignorance, low level of psychological literacy, and here there is still a chance to fix everything. Sometimes even psychological education is enough.

The result of such parenting is the formation of a child fake ya These are usually clients with a narcissistic personality structure.

The article is not talking about individual episodes of ignorance - anything can happen in life - but about the regular use of this "pedagogical technique" by parents.

In the second case, everything looks much sadder: the parents here are not capable of intimacy, unconditional love. Due to their unsuccessful experience of interacting with significant people, they themselves have problems with attachment and are unable to emotionally be present in the child's life. The result of such parenting is the formation of a child empty self … These clients are sometimes referred to as borderline clients.

In this case, deep therapy is indicated to the parents. To potential parents who are not capable of such “sacrifices” for their child, I would recommend not to have children at all, so as not to cripple their psyche. Let it sound tough too.

The third option of ignoring is described by the psychoanalyst Green as a phenomenon of a dead mother. A mother who is depressed is unable to be in close contact with her child. Most often this is the result of a loss she has not experienced (death of a child, aborted children, loss of a spouse). In this case, therapy for the mother's experience of loss is necessary.

CONSEQUENCES OF PARENTAL IGNORATION

In the case of parental neglect, the child faces the following consequences:

  • The child's misdemeanor situation is incomplete and forms in him a sense of guilt. Guilt that cannot be redeemed, it always remains in a person, is summed up and accumulates. A person feels "without the right to redemption." Such people subsequently live with constant chronic guilt, depriving them of the opportunity to make a choice.
  • The child receives the following message from his parents: "You are not there, you are an empty place." This kind of message does not at all contribute to the formation of the child's I and his individuality.

These are examples of situations where a child is acutely ignored. They are painful, traumatic. No less dangerous is the situation of chronic neglect arising from the formal, functional presence of parents in a child's life. The child in this situation is essentially not important, he interferes, distracts, "gets underfoot." This is usually the second type of ignore.

THE IMPORTANCE OF ANOTHER

A person, in order to feel psychologically alive, to experience himself as I, to form I, needs the Other. He constantly needs, as in mirrors, to be reflected in Others, to clarify and correct his I. Our consciousness, our I, in order to function constantly, must be reflected about the “density of being”. Otherwise, it will be like a flashlight beam directed into the abyss. The unreflected I by the Other I is not confirmed, it loses its boundaries and density and merges with the world.

This happens when parents:

- ignore the crying child;

- do not hear him "I want";

- punish him with their indifference;

- formally (functionally) are present in his life.

- neglect him, do not pay attention.

Emphasized ignorance, social isolation, cold indifference are mechanisms that "kill" the individual I. This situation is not easily experienced even by an adult. Not to mention the child.

The smaller the child, the more important it is to him. reflective presence … A small child perceives the world through an intermediary - his mother. The mother for the child is the world. The mother does this through bodily, visual and emotional contact. Later, verbal contact begins to acquire more and more importance. And if the mother ignores the child, the world is silent, and his I is not reflected, it simply does not exist. Further, the father also becomes such a reflecting, confirming and filling I of the child. If significant adults are detached, ignorant, non-present, the child's self turns out to be empty.

REAL AND FALSE SELF

False self - fake or empty. The empty self needs filling. The false is in the recognition of one's worth. But both of them are in great need of the Other. A person with a false Self turns out to be unable to rely on himself, becomes painfully dependent on the Other, trying to get any insignificant confirmation of his existence, clinging to the Other, eagerly peering into his eyes.

He turns out to be dependent on the imposed social values - fashionable, prestigious, cool.

The real self - the foundation of individuality. You can only rely on the genuine. Therapy, in a sense, makes it possible to compensate for the deficit of individuality in society.

At first consideration, psychotherapy may seem like an antisocial project, since it leads a person to a meeting with his I, with his individuality. But if you look deeper, it becomes obvious that society is driven by individuals.

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