The Role Of The Father In The Boy's Life

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The child perceives the entire external world through the two most important people - mother and father. The mother has her own tasks, the father has his own. At the age of 3-7 years, first of all, the father helps the boy live separation from his mother and identify himself as a man. Until 2-3 years old, the boy and his mother have a very strong fusion, but after that he looks around and tries to determine who he is. The boy identifies with his father - "I am also a man, like dad." Then he has a question - "What kind of man am I?" The first information about this he receives in the observation of his father, imitating him.

For example, in certain situations, be it conflict, striving for a goal, or interaction with other men and women, the boy identifies his behavior with masculine, not feminine. The full-fledged presence of the father is important not only in social life, but also in everyday life, in difficult moments when the child needs care. Then the boy sees his father in both good and bad situations, and a holistic image of a man is formed in him.

There are functions in relation to the child that only the father should perform. For example, a sense of security in the outside world. The man in the family, by definition, is the strongest character, so he gives a sense of security and the conviction that if something happens to the child, he can always turn to his father for help. If there is no man, then the child, seeing someone big in the outside world, will experience an unconscious fear.

In addition, the father's task is to restrict children from blatantly wrong actions, especially in adolescence. The father does not have to be strict and aggressive, it is enough just to calmly distinguish between what can and cannot be done. Until adolescence, the father must give the child love and acceptance for who he is. If both the framework and love are given in sufficient quantities, then in teenagers, when there is a "rebellion against parents", the teenager makes mistakes and makes experiments, he still has the feeling that he can turn to his father for support and protection, and for acceptance and unconditional love for mom.

If the mother is about acceptance, creation, preservation, then the father is about risk, movement, testing the outside world for strength and experiments. With the help of his father, the boy identifies himself not only with an individual man, but also with the whole family, receives an unconscious understanding of “what kind is my kind” and “what I, as a man, take from my past.” This does not mean that he should take and repeat everything that the father did, but the boy should be able to compare and decide what he wants to take from there and what he does not want.

The fact that there should be a man in a boy's life is a constant that cannot be disputed. It is desirable that it is the own father who performs male functions. It is with his father that the boy develops a deep kinship, from where he draws genetic information about social aspects. And even if another man or several men cope well with the functions of guardianship, protection, provision, mentoring, the boy will always ask the question - "how is it with my father?", Because we always subconsciously return to where our roots are. And only when it is impossible to agree with the father (he died, or a drug addict), it makes sense to look for someone who can replace the biological father. If, for any reason, there is no father in the family, a woman in no case should look for ways to replace the male role with herself - to become both a father and a mother for the boy at the same time. You need to look for other close men (uncles, grandfathers), trainers of sections and camps - places where men take a leading role. Ideally, find a man who will treat the child warmly and be systemic enough in his presence. The most important thing here is system, warmth and mentoring.