Adopted Child. Right To The Past

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

For 11 years I was the head of a fund that helps children without parental care. Before my eyes, kids of different ages found a new family

Someone became "adopted" (a child under guardianship), and someone was adopted. In the second case, the family has the opportunity to observe the secret of adoption, and the employees of the guardianship authorities and everyone involved in this process are obliged to observe this secret by law.

And already the choice of the new parents - will they give the child the right to their present past or it will be replaced by the version of the new family.

The child is not born the moment he is taken from the orphanage. He had a family, mom and dad. Some woman bore him and gave birth to him. Some man became his father. They thought about him, remembered him, they probably remember him even now.

He has grandparents, perhaps siblings, perhaps cousins. He has a place where he comes from. There is a large clan whose offspring he is.

even if you plant a plum branch on an apple tree, it feeds on the resources of the apple tree, and still remains an extension of the plum tree. remains a plum

At some point, his mother decided that she could not support the child and left him in the care of the state. This is a terrible story. But in this way the woman saves her child.

Or the child was taken from a family where it was no longer possible for him to be. The family in which he lived was so destructive that the state had to intervene to keep the child alive.

Perhaps his parents died, and there was no one to take him (this is the rarest case).

Most often, the child has relatives, but they do not take responsibility for him for various reasons. Some are simply not told about his birth. Someone refuses custody of him himself. And they do not give to someone (and they do it right).

But whatever his family of origin is, it still remains his family. This is the bosom where he comes from.

Every person has the right to know about their roots, about their real parents. This does not in any way devalue the adoptive parents.

Knowing your roots is very important for any personality. Wherever these roots lead.

my story is a part of me. my family history is part of my personality. chopping off my roots, engrafting new ones, they allow me to grow, yes, at some point it was important for me to survive. but I want to know where I am from. who gave birth to me. who came before me. who are my ancestors

Restoring the line of life, restoring one's history without white spots, without forgery and inventions "for the good" gives an individual the opportunity to rely on knowledge about himself.

And the feeling is always there.

Many people who learned about their adult adoption say they have always felt it. They felt, but could not explain to themselves what was happening. Although outwardly adopted children are often more similar to their adoptive parents than blood children. It is surprising, but the organism mutates in order to become its own in the pack, "indistinguishable from its own." There are cases when adopted children began to suffer from the diseases that their adoptive parents suffer from, although these diseases are transmitted only by inheritance!

Secrets are always bad for the family system, especially secrets related to your origin.

Why are they silent:

He will be very upset if he finds out that he is not native.

You can find words that a child will understand at this age.

If he was left in the hospital:

“Your mom was young and very scared. There was no one around who could support her. She didn't know what to do or where to get money to raise you. And she had no idea how to do it at all. After all, she had to work and look after you. She decided to save you. And left you in the hospital. And then I saw you. I realized right away that you are exactly the child I dreamed of …"

Most likely, everything was so.

If he was removed from a dysfunctional family at an age when he does not remember it.

“Your parents weren't doing well in caring for the kids. People from the care came and saw how bad you were there. They took you to the Baby House. And we have long been looking for a child who would need our love. We saw you and immediately understood - you are ours!"

He will be very upset when he finds out that he was lied to for many years.

Again, there are words to be found to help your child get through this.

"We were afraid to upset you, that's why we were silent for so many years."

He will leave us and go to look for his own family.

You can help him find his family. And get to know them. It is unlikely that your adopted son or daughter will decide to leave you and live with his family. And are they waiting there?

Rather, he, your adopted child, will have an idea of his family. He will be able to see the woman who gave birth to him, who has been thinking about him for all nine months and is probably thinking now. He can get to know her. Perhaps his father can be found. It so happens that he is not aware that he has a child somewhere. Perhaps it will turn out that this is a person on whom you can rely. That he can support the child in something.

The child will have the opportunity to rely not only on you (his foster family), but also on his own family. Whether it will work out is another question.

But his past will be restored.

There will be no more blank spots in his destiny. He will feel whole, in his place. He will understand what happened to him all these years, where he was, what he had to endure (the baby's house, wards of abandoned children in hospitals)

Why you should tell your adopted child the truth:

He will have a holistic view of himself, of his personal history.

He will find out where he comes from, who his family is.

He will be able to see his own mother. Or come to her grave.

He will have the opportunity to see his own father. If this is not possible, then he may have photographs of his father. He will see native features. He will understand who he looks so much like.

He gets to know his siblings, relatives or cousins. If they are all in different families, he can find them, see them. If he wants, he can keep in touch with them.

His family will expand. If earlier he had only one family on which he could rely, now there will be one more. If he wants (and it succeeds), he will be able to rely on his own branch, on his native roots.

Whether his family will accept him, whether he wants to see; he will like these people, whether he wants to have something in common with them - this is the second question. But he will have complete information about himself, his story will no longer feel full of holes and will not creep at the seams.

The great mystery will no longer weigh on you. Not only is there always a fear that someone close and not very much will tell the child, this secret forces us to invent and fill in with details a false past. "And we had musicians in our family, you too must have perfect pitch."

He recognizes his name. Perhaps he will want to return it to himself. At birth, the mother gives a name to the child. The adopted child is often renamed.

Once upon a time, children will still learn the truth.

But they can recognize her now, when they have a whole life ahead of them. And they have time to decide what to do with this truth. They can get to know their relatives, establish relationships with them (or not), can find out everything about their family.

And they can learn this truth at 45-50 years old, having lived all their life with an inexplicable feeling of a stranger, with a feeling of restlessness, a feeling of not their place. And when they find out, there is no one and there is no one to ask.

Before my eyes, a 45-year-old man hugged a stone on his father's grave, stroked his photograph and bitterly regretted that all these years he felt that he was somewhere, but did not know it.

Any person has a right to the past.

And for the present.

****