The Psychotherapist And The Computer Are The Focus Of Your Transference

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Once, during a consultation, I heard: "You are the same as my smartphone - a bore in which a lot of stuff is stuffed." In response, I asked my patient if the gadget was also similar to his father?

People tend to bring all the baggage of their previous experience into new relationships. Sometimes this baggage is so heavy that it runs the risk of crushing new things.

Let's talk about your transfers to a therapist

… and to your personal computer.

The phenomenon of transference is one of the most important in psychotherapeutic theory and practice. A person, as a rule, is inclined to recreate in his current relationships those patterns of thinking, behavior and emotional response that were formed at the very beginning of his life. People transfer to real life and to other people the most important thing that was in childhood in their relationship with parents, brothers and sisters.

Of course, a person's personality develops and changes throughout life under the influence of our friends, loved ones and experiences. You are not just a product of your family. However, your parents (or other parental figures) and siblings were with you in your childhood, in your formative years, when you were impressionable and just beginning to understand how people build relationships with each other. These early connections with loved ones created patterns in your mind, those ideas and beliefs about what you expect from others. Then a set of needs, desires, fears and hopes was formed, the usual knowledge about what kind of relationship can be and about your place in them.

People take their models from childhood and often they work on an unconscious level, influencing the choice of a partner and the general perception of other people. How often do young people say to their girlfriends: "You are the same as my mother"? … or vice versa.

Next, I want to speculate about the phenomenon of "transfer" in an unusual way. Let me show you how this phenomenon affects our attitude to things. After all, we tend to humanize important objects, spheres and phenomena of life - cars, homes, careers, weather, gadgets. The transfer works here as well.

Yes, a personal computer or smartphone can be a convenient target for your transfer. Modern gadgets are so advanced that at times it seems that they can "think" like humans. They are very interactive. We ask them to do something, and they do it, and sometimes they show “disobedience”.

It is known that if a psychotherapist behaves in a relatively neutral manner with a patient, without particularly revealing his personal feelings and information about himself, then patients begin to perceive the specialist in accordance with their own models learned in childhood. This whole process is often poorly understood. The familiarity of old templates is that they work automatically.

Similar things can happen when interacting with a computer. This does not mean that you should treat your electronic friend the same way you treat your mother, father, or brother. I'm talking about the fact that it is highly likely that in your attitude to the computer, you will realize some aspect of the usual relationships with your family members. However, I would not be surprised if you insist that nothing is alike. And then you should be doubly careful. After all, getting to know your own hyphenation can be exciting, dramatic, and rewarding. In support, I will give just a few examples without claims to be complete.

So…

You are you. The computer is like your parent

This is the most obvious type of transfer. You perceive the other as a parent and yourself as the child you once were.

Imagine that Leonidas had a mother who made strict demands on him about how children should behave, and at the same time often changed the rules. As a child, he tried to be obedient, but due to the volatility of requirements, he could not fully meet maternal expectations. So he grew up in constant doubt about whether he was doing the right thing. This parenting style is accompanied by frustration and helplessness in the child. As an adult, Leonard may experience a similar experience with a computer. The computer scares him, he is not sure and does not know how to "please" him. When Leonid is at the computer, it may seem to him that the machine does not like what he is doing. He gets error messages. He fails once again. The computer makes him feel frustrated, helpless and defeated. Maybe he will even avoid computer work, just as his mother avoided.

Diana had a weak-willed, unauthorized father. She loved and pitied him, showed concern and was very attentive to his needs, often to the detriment of her interests. As an adult, she perceives the computer as something fragile and vulnerable. She is very careful when using it so as not to harm it. She is very scrupulous in diagnosing and installing antivirus protection. Diana feels that the "health and well-being" of her computer is in her hands. Someone may think that she cares too much about her computer.

These are just two particular examples. A more general place can be comparison according to the criteria of strength and power. In early childhood perception, parental figures appear as powerful. A computer may well evoke similar feelings. He thinks faster than us, "knows" more than us, he can solve problems that a person is not able to cope with alone. And, if we remember about the Internet, then the computer opens a window into the "wondrous" world. For some people, such capabilities of a computer or smartphone inflame feelings of admiration, awe, fear and … incompetence - what a baby can feel against the background of a powerful father.

You are as a parent. A computer like you

A pathological example of this type of transference is an abused adult who abuses his own child. This is the process of turning “passive into active,” the victim into the offender.

It is possible that some users may abuse their computers in the same way they were abused in childhood. But computers aren't cheap. For most people, the possibility of damaging them is not so attractive. Although there are those who can throw their expensive smartphone into the wall in anger. On a more subtle level, people who have experienced dominant control and manipulation as children - as if they were just objects to use, not people - may feel the same way about their computers. Anger and rage directed at the computer when it does not behave the way you want it to be a symptom of this kind of transference. This is the emotional reaction of a frustrated, "cheated" parent.

But the computer can be treated with tenderness, like a beloved child. You take care of his “needs”, “educate” him, help him “develop and grow” by adding software and hardware. You invest in your computer so it can do more, and you are proud when it does something new. With enthusiasm, you take part in the creation of a new "individual" with his own unique skills. The computer becomes a reflection of yourself, your abilities and your personality. You also understand that you are developing the original potential that your "child" already had. It may also be tempting that your brainchild will never leave you, unlike real children.

You are how you are. The computer is like a welcome parent

Many people want, consciously or unconsciously, for their parents to become a little different, more perfect. This desire can shape the perception of a computer as having the required characteristics.

Oleg's mother was not entirely adequate. Her behavior and emotions were unpredictable. At one moment she was caring and loving, at another she was harsh, for no apparent reason she became, accusing, irritated and aggressive. The boy was never sure what a new day or even an hour would bring him. He became an over-alert, paranoid child. He was in constant search of at least some clues, signs that would tell him how his mother would behave. He tried to predict her steps, but he was often mistaken in his predictions. Feeling helpless and angry, he experienced his life as unpredictable, dangerous, and out of control.

Adult Oleg is comfortable with a computer. After all, the car has all the qualities that his mother lacked - reliable, impartial, and no unexplained emotional outbursts. The computer is predictable and the advanced user can control it. No intimacy, Oleg even gets some pleasure from his cold domination over a submissive machine.

Lera also has a computer. She feels his reliability. He is always there, waiting for her. He pays attention to what she wants and gives immediate feedback. He allows her to express her thoughts, feelings and creativity. He accepts and accompanies her on the Internet to wherever she wants to go. Lera treats her computer as a sympathetic, compassionate companion who recognizes her value and personality … Unlike her parents, who were so busy and absorbed in their worries that they often neglected their daughter, showing no interest in her life.

You as a Desired Parent. A computer like you

In this last type of transfer, there is also a role reversal. The user carries the qualities that he would like to see in his parents, the computer becomes like a child. Often, people strive to reinforce qualities in themselves that were absent from their parents. Sometimes this urge can go too far. If your parents were very strict, you may become too liberal with your own children. If your parents have been alienated from your life, you may become too intrusive for your child.

A person strives to be “good” for his computer at a time when his own parents were not “good” with him. One user is overly cautious for fear of harming his computer. Another is so worried about viruses and possible damage that he refuses to explore the Internet, is wary of installing new software, and rarely lets anyone use his computer. The third is very interested in "how everything works there" and, therefore, he tries to learn more and more about the hardware and software of his computer.

You are like your computer. Your computer is just like you

Some types of transfers serve to improve self-attitude. When a parent shares the child's views, recognizes his thoughts and empathizes with his feelings, the child's personality is enriched in such a favorable "mirror". When a boy imitates a masterful father, and a girl plays with her mother's portfolio, identification with an accepting and benevolent parent occurs, the child strengthens his self-esteem and self-esteem.

In English, there is a word twinship, which means a friendly, close relationship between brothers and sisters. This sense of community also reinforces a positive self-attitude. In this form of transference, when a person transfers himself to another, there is a risk that the other will not be perceived as a separate person. "You are me".

Users can use their computers to reinforce and enhance their sense of identity. A benevolent and attentive computer can become the very "mirror". You tweak the hardware and software of your machine, and it becomes more and more a responsive reflection of your needs, feelings and ambitions. By offering you its amazing abilities, the computer is able to validate your sense of success and self-confidence. You spend a lot of time together, and he becomes an extension of your personality, like a good friend or sibling.

But it’s risky to rely too much on a computer to support your identity. Putting all your eggs in one basket is a bad idea. The system can crash at the most inopportune moment. The hard disk may be damaged. For any reason, you can be separated from your cherished car. The soil will disappear from under your feet. You will feel cheated, abandoned, lost …

How can you know about your transfer?

Your psychological reactions to the computer can be a complex combination of some or all of the types of transference described above. Transfer types can replace one another. It is often difficult to discover the interpersonal origins of your thoughts or feelings in relation to the computer.

What signs might indicate that your interactions with the computer are clouded by past experiences with real people?

If you want to smash this damn thing.

When he "makes" you feel cheated and disappointed.

When you feel lonely and empty because you haven't had enough time to be with him.

When you want to be with him more than your family and friends.

When others notice how emotionally attached you are to him.

Any exaggerated or "inadequate" feelings about your gadget may mean that it is more than just a machine to you.

Transference in psychotherapy

It is easy to guess that if you replace the words “computer”, “gadget”, “machine” with the word “psychotherapist” in an article, you will get material about how the phenomenon of transfer can manifest itself in the psychotherapeutic process. You take with you mental and behavioral models from childhood that affect your current relationships and life in general. Sometimes these patterns guide you to the right people and productive activities, and thus enrich your life. Sometimes that doesn't happen. If you decide to undergo psychotherapy, then be sure that, to one degree or another, the influence of these models will manifest itself in relations with a specialist. Psychotherapy is a good way to become aware of your transferences and deprive them of their power to influence you. After all, a model is just a model. A computer is not mom or dad, but just a computer. And a psychotherapist is just a human being.