The Role Of The Father In The Life Of The Child

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Olga Valyaeva

In the modern world, the role of the father is leveled. Many women believe that a father is not important or needed. They themselves can earn money, give birth to a child without a man, they themselves nourish, buy apartments for children. And like how - why a man? Is it necessary and is it important?

In addition, excessive demands are made to the fathers. He must love the child while still alive, must take part in his life from the cradle and get pleasure from it. And he must also become understanding and willingly stand on the second plane, when a miracle appeared in the world.

Then the mothers evaluate whether he is a good father. How many walks, can there be only one, what he teaches, what he can teach. How he speaks, how he walks, who he works. Does he have a photo of a child on the table and does he pee with boiling water when looking at baby photos …

Fathers are different. They are not like mothers. I needed nine years of joint life, the birth of almost three boys already, to understand:

- A man does not immediately understand what is going on when his wife has a “test run”. What happens to her for nine months falls on him in one day. When he brought his wife and child home from the family. And there it is not like in the cinema.

- Men really think at first that babies do not scream at night, do not suffer from life, do not get sick. And absolutely nothing men do not know about crises for two or three years. They don't remember themselves at that age. And for them all this will become a serious test. Especially for the first time.

- The man is really sure that with the birth of the child he will remain the “number one” for his wife. And they are knocked out of the glue not that the house is not cleaned or the dinner is not ready. And the fact that his woman does not belong entirely to him. And he doesn't even try to do anything about it. He does not see this as a problem, and even blames her husband for callousness.

- The man was not ready to become a father. He did not play daughters-mothers, did not read books and magazines. With the birth of a child, he immediately finds himself in a new and stressful situation. And he needs time - to get used to, adapt, rebuild. More time than a woman. And also - the ability to make mistakes. Sometimes the teat is lifted off the floor and put into the child's mouth. Sometimes it is wrong to put on a diaper. This is normal.

- Men don't go crazy about babies. My husband, who helped every child from the cradle, recently admitted that children from three years old are best. It's more interesting with them. They are more intelligible, funny. With them you can freak out. And I, for example, am crazy about newborn babies. I'm a girl:)

- A man can put on a child a completely stupid T-shirt. Not because he doesn’t love him, not because he’s stupid. He just took the first thing that fell - and put it on. Where did you find it. It doesn't matter to him what the child is wearing. He can wear sandals on the wrong feet. And he won't notice. Just because it is insignificant for him.

- A man can feed a child not with soup from the refrigerator, but with yogurt. Not only because it's so simple. And not because he is irresponsible and absolutely not worried about their health. And because the child loves yogurt more. Which stood in the refrigerator next to the soup.

- A man can be more common with children. Because what worries about their future. And often he does not know any other way of life, besides the one he had. And twenty or thirty years ago, children were belted, and this was considered the norm. Therefore, the man hangs the strap on the nail. He is not a monster, he simply does not know how to do anything else.

- A man is more creative in games than a woman. Together with the children, dad can come up with something that mom will not go to bed in the head. But - what is most important - both dad and children will enjoy this game.

- A man also melts away from the hugs of children, like a woman. From childish "love", from kisses before leaving, from drawings with dad. Quite often men hide it. So God forbid no one found where they have the most vulnerable spot.

- A man will not sit at the bed of a sick child, listen to his breathing, read on the Internet about the color of poop. Goes to the pharmacy. The doctor will invite. A man - he is specific, helps with business.

- A man worries about children no less than a woman. And maybe even more. It's just that it never shows it. He will be frightened for the baby - and will punish him for such pranks. Will be ashamed - and scream. Men do not know how to work with feelings. They show how they can, what they can. But they are very worried about the future of their children.

- Men go through crises with a child in the same way as women. One day their child will turn as much as he was, when they were overtaken by an injury - a kindergarten, a hospital, the loss of a loved one. And at this time they can also tear the roof off. They can stop communicating, withdrawn, become irritable. This is normal - because it is temporary.

- For a man, family is very important. But if she becomes the meaning of his whole life and the most important thing - the man degrades. He gets depressed and everything collapses. Because a man remains healthy mentally only when his goal is to change the outside world. For your family. Therefore, it can work a lot - and that's okay. He can spend less time with children than we would like. But more important is how he spends this time.

- And yet there is no better assistant and companion than the husband and father of the child. I saw many "special" families - where raising a child is more difficult several times. And those families where there were dads who actively participated in the development of the child - achieved more. The best results. Great amount of love. More than that, among the former autists I personally do not know anyone who could be pulled out by one mother. But I see a lot of families who have coped together.

Dads are different!

Dads have a different approach, different methods. But the same strong love. Let it not be born immediately, but only after a few years reaches its peak. Let it not always be visible to us and understood. Let her be more demanding and firm. Let them participate in fewer activities involving children, spend less time.

They don't have to be like us. That wouldn't make sense. Mother's and father's love together create a whole world for the child. And the integral personality of his self.

Father's love cannot be replaced by anything. The connection with the father, which is broken, is difficult to restore. For this, it is important that the child himself wants to establish this connection. But if he constantly hears nasty things about dad, if he has been convinced that dad is not needed, where will such a desire appear?

From a systemic point of view, a lot depends on the relationship with the father. For example, the success of a girl's marriage. Or relationship with sons. And yet - finding yourself in the adult world. Find your own business and succeed in it. Perhaps that is why this question is now so acute? After all, almost everyone has problems with the adoption of fathers, and half of the children and all grow up in single families, without a dad …

And with the same systemic point of view, the child will never establish a relationship with the father, if he does not receive the "blessing" of the mother for this. Until the mother does not recognize that it is not only her child, and the father has the same right to his love. And this is also very difficult.

Relations with mom and dad are the first two, basic exams in this world, which must be passed. Without which, everything else is meaningless. First, we learn the multiplication table, and only then the integrals.

The father gives the child much more than we think. Not only DNA and generic scripts. The father also gives the strength to live, and the courage to find one's place in this world, and the mind, and the ability to contemplate. A good connection with the father gives many things.

And if there is no opportunity to establish this connection in external relations - there is no father nearby, he died, he is unknown, he was degraded, establish it inside. So that when you think about your dad, you feel warm. So that inside there was gratitude for what he gave you (even if it is “only” your life).

How is it - when you have a father

I didn't have a father. In the sense that I did not have the joy of communicating with him. He died when I was two years old. And even if I really wanted to see him, it would be impossible.

And for a long time I thought that this was normal. I saw the fathers of other children - more precisely, I saw their shortcomings. As I was taught. This drinks, this rag, this does not work, this does not give a damn about children. And I came to the idea that this is normal - without a father. Even better. But the house is clean, quiet, calm. Nobody runs after mom with a frying pan, like our neighbors in the dormitory. Nobody is building me.

And then I got married. This is a generally mystical story of how it happened. But I'm not talking about that. And I met my husband's father. My father-in-law. And I realized how much, in fact, I was deprived of all these years.

My husband's father is a real man. My husband always warmly recalls how he and dad picked mushrooms, berries, built a dacha, dug in cars. Although his dad worked a lot - and still works a lot. And in it for certain it would be possible to find flaws. But I don't want to do this nonsense. I see - by the example of my husband - how important and necessary a father is. Connecting with him, accepting and respecting him. This allowed me to begin my inner work of reconciliation and acceptance of my dad.

And even now, the second dad appeared to me, he says to me when we meet: “If anything, you complain to me about him! I’ll fast it!”. And a hitherto unknown sensation comes. Feeling protected. They'll take care of me. I am not alone, I do not need to defend myself. This is amazing.

Then I remembered my mother's stories about her father. Which she also saw not as often and as much as she would like. But who gave her so much love that she will not forget until now.

And I remembered Uncle Sasha - the man who looked after my mother when I was seven. How I loved to receive letters from him, in which there was always a drawing for me, how carefully I kept his photographs, waiting for his arrival. He came only a few times a year, for a session. And there were so few free days of communication with him. But I still draw a cow, as he taught me. And for sure it was his stories about sea travels that gave me a dream - to see the world. By the way, my husband looks very much like him, I suspect that my miracle of marriage happened in many more thanks to how good it was then, next to Uncle Sasha.

As much as my mother loved me, she could not give it to me. And no mother can replace both of the child. Because male love is different. More restrained. More rare. And very desirable. Desired by every child in his own way.

Boys expect exciting adventures from dads, girls - adoration. For girls it is both the opportunity to be a princess for the first time, and the feeling of a secure rear. After all, the dad of any boyfriend will go down the stairs if he offends his daughter.

Can you say that your dad or the father of your children is not like that? Just think about whether he had a chance to become like that. Whether he was given time, whether mistakes were forgiven, whether they entered into his position, whether they helped to cope with crises. Or they only demanded and took away from him - love, money, time, energy, without waiting, until he himself would be ready to give. Did they allow him to choose how to love the child, or dictate strict frameworks and conditions that he had to meet.

When our eldest son was half a year old, I was sure that my husband was not the best father. He was not interested, all the zabots were on me. He still demanded attention. And if then we had not agreed, I would have strengthened in this feeling. And after me, my son would begin to think and feel the same way …

But now I see what an amazing father he is. How the boys adore him, how bored when he is not. Even if he does not do everything that “an ideal father should do” - I don’t need that. Let him not always spend with them as much time as they and I would like. Still, to feed, dress, wash, put to sleep - this is my mother's work. All this requires a mother's tenderness and love. And then climb the biggest hill or set up an attraction on the water under the power of only dad. And it's more interesting to do it with dad than with mom, who will necessarily worry and clutch at the heart.

And all this could not have been - if I had not given him the opportunity to become such a father. If I hadn't learned to respect him. If I had not agreed internally that the children are not mine, but ours.

I am sure that if we ever have a girl, he will be able to give her what is most important. The feeling that there is always someone to protect her. Something that I didn’t have before. And what appeared in my life - together with the arrival of my husband and his father into it.

Let your men be fathers to their children. Allow children to love their fathers for who they are. Respect them for who they are. Accept them as you once loved them for something. And from what you once decided to give birth to a child. You made that choice once - even if you think you didn't. And this choice cannot be rewritten, deleted.

Learn to love and accept, respect your dad. The way he is. Remember that this starts respect for all men - and for yourself.

And let every child in the world, from zero to one hundred forties, have a father behind him. True, loving and beloved.