Why Do We Act As Convenient For Someone, But Not For Ourselves

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

To some extent, we all tend to behave when we sacrifice our interests and do as it is convenient for someone, but not for ourselves: we take on someone else's work, we volunteer to perform the most laborious and far from the most interesting tasks, we cannot refuse in requests, buy unnecessary things, tell unnecessary things, etc.

For some, this is an exception to the rule, while for others it is a common thing. If this happens more and more often, then this article is for you. She will help you understand the reason and tell you how to proceed.

We are used to hearing about drug, alcohol, gambling addiction. But today, more and more people talk about emotional dependence on other people.

Emotionally dependent people often act to their detriment. And all in order to impress others and earn the approval of people with whom they may not even know.

It would seem, for what? After all, they are not provoked or forced. But they hope that their selfless deed will be appreciated. And not seeing the expected reaction, they swear and scold themselves, they renounce taking on more than necessary. And yet they do the same next time. Again, they do what is at odds with their plans and capabilities, and in a way that is convenient for someone, but not for themselves.

Over-dependence on someone else's emotional support and all attempts to "earn" it lead to frustration for the most part. Not everyone and not always are ready to appreciate such "dedication" - and, despite all our efforts, they are in no hurry with gratitude.

But the main thing is that an emotionally dependent person is always not enough of the positive assessment that he receives - no matter how praised he may be. The roots of his disappointment are that this external assessment does not become internal.

Of course, in order to feel confident and stable, we need the attention and approval of those whom we respect, value, love. We are all to some extent dependent on those with whom we communicate.

But if we feel that such dependence is unduly interfering with us living our own life, we must try to get off this "emotional needle" and protect our personal space. How to do it?

Seven steps to freedom

Step 1. Understand the details

We need to recall some of our actions, which we later regretted, worried about, were angry with ourselves and could not calm down in any way, over and over again scrolling the same episode in our head. We will try to understand why we behaved in such a way that prompted us to deliberately unfavorable actions.

It is important not to think about the problem globally and not try to evaluate your own personality as a whole, but to approach the issue as concretely as possible and analyze a particular situation. You need to ask yourself aiming, point questions to the point: “Why did I do this? What did I expect and what did I get in the end? What have you lost? To what extent did all this correspond to my interests and plans?"

If you answer yourself to these and other questions, it will be clear why we did exactly that in this case. If we realize what prompted us to irrational actions, then next time we will try to refrain from an unnecessary action.

The better we understand ourselves and the motives that drive us, the more confident we will be able to manage our behavior in each specific situation and our own life in general.

Step 2. Build self-esteem

The behavior of an emotionally mature, self-sufficient person is governed to a greater extent by internal evaluation criteria rather than external ones. His attitude towards himself does not change globally, even if he was not praised, disapproved, or simply did not notice how much effort he put in, what work he did.

Faced with a negative reaction or indifference from others, he will analyze the situation - was it worth it or not - and draw conclusions for himself.

And an emotionally dependent person will immediately “overestimate” himself: “What a fool I am! Why did I do that! - he will think about an act that five minutes ago made him proud of himself.

We need to try to form a stable self-esteem - it will become that “core”, that fulcrum that will allow us to “conduct an independent policy” and not depend on the emotions of others, on their mood. And for this it is important to know yourself, your undoubted advantages and obvious disadvantages.

Step 3. Do not wait for evaluations from others

Of course, it's nice to be supported. But you need to understand that others cannot always express their gratitude, approval, admiration to us - in a word, feed us with positive emotions. It is pointless to strive for this.

We must remember that any addiction is an attempt to live off other people's resources. Therefore, you need to learn to enjoy the work done under any conditions and not be guided by the praise of others.

Step 4. Find internal incentives

Having understood the mechanism of emotional dependence, one should strive to move more and more from external stimulation to internal one. This is how emotional stability develops, this is how personal responsibility for one's emotional state appears.

Therefore, an important point is the recognition of our own needs and desires: the more independent we are in satisfying them, the less dependent on how we are perceived.

We must look for something that nourishes, supports, inspires and develops us. It can be spiritual values, work, hobbies. It is necessary to leave "a place for oneself", to satisfy one's own needs (sometimes it is the need to be alone), to achieve one's goals, perhaps not directly related to the ideas of others.

Step 5. Save your self

Does this mean that you need to completely ignore someone else's opinion? Of course not. It is unnatural to rely only on your own point of view. Therefore, you should not completely deny the emotional dependence on your environment.

We understand that the opinion of our parents, neighbors, friends, teachers, colleagues, intertwining, “melting”, formed our I, our inner world. It is important to find a middle ground here. On the one hand, to be open, to strive to communicate with people, and on the other, to remain ourselves, independent and free.

Step 6. Accept yourself

The more we realize our emotional dependence, the less we depend on other people's opinions, moods and reactions, and the better we understand the nature of our irrational actions. And you shouldn't execute yourself, endlessly worrying about the same thing - well, I did it and did it.

The main thing is to understand what it was dictated by, and next time, perhaps, do it differently, make a freer, more independent choice. This way we will be able to relate more calmly to our actions, even if they “do not add points to us” in the eyes of others, and to our personal qualities, even if they do not cause respect and admiration, because we cannot be good for everyone.

Step 7. Separate yourself from others

To reduce emotional dependence, you need to draw a dividing line between yourself and others all the time: “Here I am, and here he is. I can have my feelings, my desires, and he - his, and this is not a threat to our relationship."

No matter how significant a person is to us, we cannot and should not necessarily experience the same emotions, want the same. Therefore, you need to gradually, step by step, learn to distinguish between your own and someone else's needs, your own and someone else's feelings.

The famous psychotherapist F. Perls has a wise saying: “I am I, You are You. I am busy with my business, and You are with yours. I am in this world not to live up to your expectations, and you are not to live up to mine. If we meet, that's great. If not, nothing can be done."