5 True Reasons For Avoiding Intimacy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What is going on inside of you that makes you avoid intimacy, even in a relationship? Do not take into account the false factors that you brush aside, trying to justify yourself - I can't find the very person, a lot of work, I don't go anywhere, etc. What are the true and deep reasons for this behavior?

Avoiding intimacy is directly related to childhood. We begin to form closeness with our mother already at birth. Mom is the first object with which we build relationships, and the way they are arranged will directly affect our adult intimacy, our adult relationships. So, in what cases will you not be able to find a partner, or will he not satisfy you due to the lack of intimacy between you?

1. Excessive responsibility in the parental family. You could bear an exorbitant burden of responsibility for literally everything, reconciled everyone with each other, saved everyone, were a kind of "layer" between mom and dad, grandmother and mom, grandmother and dad, etc. - they all had problems, difficult relationships, and you pulled everything on yourself. What does this mean? It was emotionally very difficult for you in the family, you had to cope with a huge number of feelings. As a rule, these are families of alcoholics or any families with a Karpman triangle (the parents were infantile, could not stand the hardships of life and seemed to throw everything on their child). A child is always the weakest link in a family, he is the most sensitive, absorbs like a sponge into himself all the emotional things that do not even appear outwardly. All passive aggression, parental dissatisfaction with each other goes into the child, and he feels all this, often gets sick.

If your family had a lot of burden in a relationship, a lot of painful, difficult, incomprehensible, overwhelming feelings, in the future, entering into an adult relationship, they automatically seem heavy and heavy to you. You feel like a draft horse, "plowing" into a relationship with a partner. Sometimes it happens so - a person has not yet started a relationship, but the very idea that it is insanely difficult, scary and painful immediately scares him away. In some situations, there may be an internal prohibition on relationships - I'd rather not go there than suffer.

2. Constant criticism and condemnation in childhood. You didn't feel good enough, you made mistakes, all the time you were set boundaries - don't do this, don't do it.

According to psychoanalysts, this is called "castrating" your energy, needs, initiative. Accordingly, going into a relationship, you are afraid of condemnation, criticism, that you will not be able to do the way you want - in other words, you will lose your individuality, your voice, word, desires and needs. They will “cut off” everything for you and make a decision for you - do this and this. With regard to condemnation, everything is more complicated - as a rule, a person who was much condemned in childhood feels bad for everything (a sense of humor - fu, very serious - fu, I show anger - fu, it is impossible, I am selfish - what are you, how it is taking care of yourself), everywhere there are prohibitions on feeling worthy, any quality of character is inverted and seems negative. Hence the well-established belief - they won't take me into a relationship, they won't love me (for example, because I don't like cleaning). In fact, these are completely unrelated things, but such a bundle was "put" in your family. As a result, a person is unconsciously afraid in a relationship to hear again all the condemnation that was in childhood. An extreme case - a partner may not tell you anything, but next to him you feel bad, not smart enough, ugly, etc.(everything that the maternal object told you in childhood (mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather) rushes through your head again).

3. Violation of the boundaries of the child. As a child, a hyper-care, an "all-seeing eye" was installed over you. Whatever you do, mom, dad, grandmother or grandfather knew how to do it better - “Do not forget to put on a warmer hat!”, “Do not forget to put on warm boots, it became cool”, “What institute do you want? I advise you this one! "," You're doing the wrong thing, it's better to do it like this! " All the time they interfered in your life, accordingly, now you feel fear that "they will again climb on your head and your legs will hang down."

Let's go back to the definition of proximity. Proximity implies that you can enter the territory of another and, conversely, let the other into your territory. At the same time, you should not feel fear that you will not be able to move away from the person, drive him away. This moment is the most important! You are confident that your partner will respect your boundaries, needs, desire to be alone, to take care of yourself, and not about him, because sometimes it can be more difficult for you.

In the case of overprotection, the parental figure did not move anywhere, looming even more over the child with anxiety and the imposition of a sense of guilt. In your childhood, there was no place for you at all. How is it more important than me? If in childhood there was a deep violation of intimacy, a person may not understand how he can do something. The feeling of guilt when you want something for yourself is very unpleasant.

It is important that you do not have a feeling of "hanging" over you (indicative rejection, if you want something for yourself - "You are selfish! Well, now sit here alone!"), So that you can leave someone else's territory while, relatively speaking, the party did not turn bad. What does this mean? In childhood, a person was somehow forced into intimacy, respectively, in the future he does not allow himself to get out of intimacy (manifests itself in the form of aggression, quarrel, scandal, when a partner is sharply repulsed). The reason is that a person cannot normally choose a distance due to a violation of the boundaries by the controlling object of attachment.

4. Excessive anxiety of the mother - at a deep level, she was afraid or, perhaps, is still afraid to be alone (she cannot stand loneliness). Accordingly, the mother, by manipulating, keeps you to herself.

There may also be sacrifice to the mother - “I did everything for you, worked at 2 jobs to give you an education! How can you do this now - after graduating from a wonderful university, get married / get married and forget about me ?!”. Quite often, after marriage / marriage, people continue to be in tandem with their mother, and then the second partner has a feeling of a "triangle", not a couple. At the same time, the mother has a strong influence on the relationship - in this case, there can be no question of that closeness in a couple, to which a person so strives, on the contrary, there will be pain and a constant oppressive feeling of a worm inside.

5. The absence of a man in the life of the mother, the absence of a father, or a “father castrated by women”. In general, the father is a good separator from the child from the mother. He gets between them and wants to at least sometimes take his woman back to the bedroom, thus the mother is disconnected from the child. Moreover, the mother's energy should follow in this direction - first she, then the husband, and the child is already in third place. This hierarchy is correct. Accordingly, when there is a father, he pulls the child away from the mother a little and at the same time protects him from her aggression. "Holding mother" is a passive aggression, often endured, but long-term, it is impossible to get rid of it. So, if the father was not there, or he drank, was obscene (according to the mother, a rag), beat, offended and scolded mother, there was no one to divert her energy. Most often, such situations begin with provocations on the part of the woman, but you only see that the mother is the victim and take her side. Dad is the third odd man here, the enemy. In this case, you simply have no chance of separating from your mother - you hold on to her, and she for you, you save her (now this is your main function - to save the mother, because she is so poor and unhappy).

Such stories can last for years, people do not live with their mother, but their separation did not work, because dad did not appear and did not bring them out into the world, into society (“Daughter, live and choose men for yourself, you are a beautiful girl! Boy, live, grow, look - there are other women. Mother is my woman, and you will have your own, and you will become a wonderful man ). This Oedipus complex unfolds in a negative direction here - you remain in conjunction with your mother, and there is no place for a third person. In fact, he should not have appeared third, he should appear as your partner on an equal footing.