HOW IS AGGRESSION AND SATISFACTION RELATED?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I will repeat this article often. I like her. And the topic is important. After all, the theme of satisfaction is the base. This is something that is associated with all areas of life. Even with sleep. I'm generally silent about sex and food. Here we go:)))

Recently I came across a survey on how often you show aggression. And most of the respondents began to say that this disgusting disgusting, yes we, but never, if only to beat the maniac. And here the attitudes and perceptions of aggression and its manifestations in society become apparent

Aggression in its essence is about life, about that very vitality, about achievements, about changing the distance, both approaching and moving away, about food, sex, physical occupation of space in space, the consumption of resources from the outside (air, water, food, etc.), before the waste of this consumption is removed from the body. In fact, in the treatment of eating disorders and sexual perversion, we are dealing with that very aggression. And I see it important to begin to distinguish violence as one of the forms of manifestation of aggression, from others, its many different forms. As well as its healthy manifestation from passive aggression or its affective manifestation, life turns into an eternal battle.

Healthy aggression is healthy, it is a clear path to satisfaction, while passive aggression is something diffuse, siphoning off strength, causing disgust like an aftertaste, but often leading nowhere.

Passive aggression is not only the inability to declare oneself, one's needs, feelings, but also an attempt to shift responsibility onto another person for one's boundaries and comfort. It often looks like manipulation through devaluation, blackmail, sabotage, guilt, shame, fear, and it works as the only available way to express aggression for a person who forbids himself to express it openly. It is also expressed in the direction of oneself, instead of another addressee - auto-aggression - where the tools are the same: devaluation of one's feelings, self-accusation, self-sabotage, self-harm, etc.

After all, how different is "it makes me very old and outraged that you do not clean the table after eating and I ask you to leave the table clean" from hands raised to the sky with an exclamation "I live in a family of ungrateful pigs, pigs, no one in this house respects me ". “I hate to talk about it now and in such a tone, I don’t want to talk to you” from “all sorts of idiots are always asking nonsense…”

Passive aggression not only does not lead to satisfaction, it leads to misunderstanding, as it seems to "poison" the relationship and the person himself. Sometimes, with its apparent apparent "goodness" of the words and intentions spoken. Passive aggression creates a lot of latent tension in contact, which is difficult to resolve precisely because there is clearly nothing, like I didn’t tell you, I didn’t mean anything at all, this is not about me, this is not me, it seems to you, and so on.. Such an underground a war in which it is impossible to discuss what its reasons are, what to do and how to be, where there is no border of the battlefield, because formally there seems to be no war. It is from this tension that many couples who come to therapy "get tired". When the phrase "soup is not salted" means a lot that is unpleasant and hidden in this relationship, but not that the soup is really not salted.

In short, aggression is an impulse, energy from the inside out. The meaning of which is in the person's satisfaction of his needs in relation to the external world. And it is expressed in different ways, depending on the need. Aggression is neither good nor bad. I would like to note, however, that a person who, for certain reasons, does not know how to directly and clearly show aggression will be much less satisfied and realized in life than the one who can. Well, if only because the first one does not know how to manifest outside and defend his interests and needs, and the second one can do it.

And this is where all the difficulties lie. Conflicts and hatred that has no end or beginning, or, on the contrary, avoidance of conflict situations, although they take place in any living relationship, and for this, avoidance of relationships, rejection of the chosen path and desires, as a result of non-realization, dissatisfaction, anger, envy and despondency, being in a relationship about which grandfather Karpman wrote …

And therapy sometimes begins not just with the legalization of feelings. And with the discovery behind the general insensitivity of any feelings at all. As if starting everything from the very beginning, the client begins to notice his feelings, needs, learns to manifest them outside, not only in affect or symptom. But also living fully and presenting in a targeted manner and in a form that does not destroy either him or the other and does not poison what is between them. And it leads to meaningful and satisfying consequences. Notice the difference and relevance between the situation with the rapist-stepfather and the suffocatingly controlling mother, because the mother misplaced the jar in your kitchen, the wife said something unpleasant or a colleague wrote at an inconvenient moment.

Here, too, is a tricky place. Place of otrigging. When a person begins songs about the main thing in the form of a story about personal boundaries and let's execute, kill, condemn. Well, we remember about Karpman's grandfather, right?

So anger, irritation, disgust is a security system. And its essence is not to start a scandal every time and accusations of violence, abuse, etc… In fact, these are feelings about me and for me. And here the most important place is my responsibility for my happiness and satisfaction of my needs, including safety. If Vasya hits Masha every day, then it is childish to talk to him about his responsibility. First of all, Masha is responsible for taking care of safety, changes in distance.

If the words of another person hurt you, this does not necessarily mean that he is an abuser or a perverse narcissist, as is fashionable now. Hanging labels is a very simple thing, but I will not say that it is useful. This primarily means that you are unpleasant, painful, disgusting and angry at the moment. And here the place is not for what the other should do, what to be. This is primarily a story about me. What is important to me now. What need do I have and how can I fulfill it? Sometimes another person may not guess that this topic is painful for you, that you now feel what you want and in what form. It’s just normal not to know and not think out for the other, for that he and the other. This is where the story of sacrifice changes its perspective. They do not do something with me and continue to do something like a doll with a rag. And it is possible that I am faced with powerlessness, despair, fear, lack of knowledge or addiction. This recognition is already a step towards health. And then work with the resource. With elections based on these real resources.

Or you can say "the fool himself" and go into the fog. Even easier. Break the relationship forever. Disappointed in yourself, in him, in friendship, in this life, or even in heterosexual relationships. And you can also give in the forehead, it will be quite "fair", but what, crucify, shame, accuse and punish. Well, depending on the scenario and resource. Someone lives this way, sorting out partners, therapists and waiting for the "one" who will be able to read all their desires without opening their mouths and asking them to satisfy them in an ideal way. It is a myth. A very harmful myth. This story always has two sides. Which is related to the parent-child history of a person and its not passed stages.

And it is possible to remain silent. Another option is "easier". Eat it, hush it up, endure it, like not noticing it, considering it not important, and so on. But then the relationship will start to become toxic, toxic. Here I want to note that relationships become toxic not because there is something out of order with someone else, it is toxic. No. Let me remind you we are talking about adult relationships. They become so because each, to the best of his abilities and interests, albeit unconscious, allows it to be and continue in this way.

And it is possible to speak directly about your feelings and needs, to express your dissatisfaction openly. And the horror is terrible for someone - showing respect for their own needs and another - to ask. This is a direct and clear manifestation of aggression. And yes, it can be loaded with many meanings, negative experiences. It is really risky with direct conflict, it is really risky to meet your neediness and dependence on another, it is risky not to meet, it is risky to be rejected, it is risky to refuse … But this is the very place where the very Meeting, intimacy, satisfaction and satiation takes place. Is it worth the risk?

As Jean Lacan said, "When a patient comes into analysis, he starts talking. If he talks to you, then not about himself … And if about himself, then not with you … When the patient starts talking to you and about himself, psychoanalysis is over."

This is very close and relevant to the topic of aggression.

- Is it easy for you to share your responsibility from the other in a relationship?

- Is it easy for you to talk about what you don’t like, don’t like, or doesn’t suit strangers? And what about family and friends?

- How important do you think it is for the partner to guess what you want and how you react to when he doesn't?

- Have you ever used "reproaches" in your life and what do you think instead of what did you do it?