Why Do I Have The Same Thing With All My Men! (6)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I'm not sorry that I suffer

It's a pity that the time has passed.

I continue to illustrate the logic of the action of the scenario game using the example of the relationship between Igor and Masha, or rather, only Masha, since this couple broke up. After a serious break in relations, people very often either "knock out a wedge with a wedge", immediately rushing into a new relationship (which happened to Igor), or they are in a state of mental stunnedness for a long time. It took Masha almost two years to recover. But, to her horror, she noticed that already in the second month of relations with a new young man, situations began to be seen in them that were very familiar to her from the story with Igor.

Why do I have the same thing with all my men? 6

Love is evil, or the magic of love chemistry

They say that there is something biological in love chemistry, people are thrown into each other's arms by nature itself. Others are more inclined to believe in mysticism and in the machinations of fate. Psychologists like to talk about childhood imprinting, or that girls tend to fall in love with men who are like their fathers, and young people choose those who are like their mothers. We will not go into these disputes, since in the case of Masha, children's imprinting is clearly visible.

She did not have any spiritual or emotional connection with her father, so he himself did not play a special role in her fate, except that he threw the plot of betrayal into her life story. The "fatal man" for Masha turned out to be her uncle, her father's younger brother. Psychoanalysts have delved into the issues of childish eroticism, but here we will refer only to the fact that some girls and boys are able to fall deeply and strongly in love from early childhood. It is difficult to say exactly what is the manifestation of childhood love, but it can undoubtedly contain both passion and that special energy, which, as a person's biological maturation, turns into erotic and sexual energy.

Children are able to fall in love with a person with all their soul, and they sometimes turn out to be very perceptive, so much so that they see the deepest and even hidden traits of the character of their chosen one. But, nevertheless, more often than not, only some external manifestations of a person are imprinted into his soul, only some features of his behavior. In the case of Masha, the gaiety of Uncle Yura, his tendency to foolishness and inventing funny stories, sunk into her soul.

If after a divorce from her father, Machine's mother had not severed all ties with his family, including with uncle Yura, then Masha, as she grows up, would be able to consider in her chosen one more significant traits of his character, she could, as they say, “understand its essence. But it so happened that he disappeared from her life too early, so only the image of a slightly infantile and perky man was imprinted in her soul. Masha then still could not understand that their closeness with Uncle Yura was due to his ability to feel the vibrations of someone else's soul and to be mesmerized by the vague images of childhood fantasy - all this seemed to her then as something taken for granted.

If a girl from infancy feels the love of her father and this love is mutual, then she has the opportunity to cultivate his image in her soul, and this image becomes more and more complex as she grows up. We can say that in happy and complete families, children's imprinting "matures" and develops together with those in whose souls they were imprinted.

But life is far from always and not for everyone turns into a beautiful fairy tale. Unfortunately, parents sometimes discredit in the eyes of the child the bright image that appeared to him from the very beginning. Or, as happened in The Machine of History, the ideal image of a man did not have time to emerge and mature in her psyche due to the fact that the one who served as his prototype simply disappeared from her life.

To summarize what has just been said, it can be noted that girls constantly fall in love with the wrong men, because only the external features of their "fatal man" are imprinted in their memory. They are deceived in their chosen one, because behind external manifestations, similar to something cherished, something completely different can hide. In the case of Uncle Yura's perception of Mashina, she could not, as a child, understand that his extraversion is only psychological protection. In fact, he was a man prone to chamber and selective contacts.

It is worth noting that adults sometimes see their interlocutor as a superficial hysteroid only because he is artistic and talkative, not realizing that his gaiety and talkativeness is just a smoke screen. It becomes possible to consider more basic traits of his character only after he begins to trust you. So what can we expect from a child's perception! And is it any wonder that love chemistry often works with the wrong person.

Scenario games and trauma coping strategies

A scenario game is a very strong psychological mechanism; the trigger for its launch is often the love chemistry that has flared up in relationships between people. We know that love can degenerate into hate, and the energy of love chemistry can not lead to spiritual intimacy, but be used to launch a scenario game, especially if the first "model love" was suddenly cut off and caused mental trauma.

We can say that scenario play is the way a person began to overcome his trauma, or a way of his psychological survival in a situation of ongoing stress, a difficult life period for him.

An early mental stress for Masha was the history of her parents' scandals. To overcome this trauma, she chose the game that in my previous articles of this series was called "the war of bears and bunnies." Masha made a war between her toys, Mishka quarreled and fought with the Bunny, so that later they could make peace and throw themselves into each other's arms. Masha could not reconcile her parents in real life, but in her game she was able to overcome the destructive effect of the conflict.

In a relationship with Igor, Masha unknowingly launched this game in those cases when it seemed to her that their relationship was reaching an impasse. She unwittingly provoked Igor into a conflict and a showdown, hoping that after that they would reconcile and end up in each other's arms. Sometimes it did. But Igor had his own fairy tale, so in response to the scandals of the Machines, he turned on his own game - "the game of flight" and "avoidance of conflict". In this way, he escaped from the psychological pressure from his mother, which in turn was provoked by his father's betrayal and departure from the family.

The story of Masha's second love

The next chosen one, who managed to sink his soul into the Machine, turned out to be as cheerful as Igor, but he was even more childish. And what is important, this infantilism was in no way accompanied by either the ability to create their own worlds, or the ability to come up with anything at all. Stas (Masha's new young man) himself was very fond of playing with him and somehow entertaining him.

On the first date with Masha, Stas told her several of his signature stories, which were not invented by him himself, but his mother had once invented in childhood. Having made fun of these ridiculous adventures, Masha decided that Stas is the person who is able to compose such things himself. Further, for the most part, she already spoke, and Stas only laughed like a child, glad that he was never bored throughout the evening.

Masha again turned in her soul a pitiful parody of her uncle Yura into its original. Stas, on the other hand, did not at all have the ability to get used to the soul of another person and create common worlds with him. He was an infantile young man who was bored with himself, but he was very grateful to those who were ready to play with him, to entertain him with something.

Stas was ready, like a puppy, to pay a person who entertains him with affection and devotion as long as he had enough time and energy to amuse him. But when Masha returned home tired and she herself needed support, Stas quickly became sad and ran away to lie down at the computer or called up with one of his friends.

This behavior triggered the launch of its habitual scenario game in the Machine's psyche. She began to try to summon Stas to a conversation in order to quarrel with him, and then make peace.

However, Stas had his own injuries and his own ways to overcome them. When his mother in action refused to play with him as punishment for some of his sins, he secretly ran away to his grandmother, who willingly saved her beloved grandson from her too harsh daughter, who did not understand that with children everything could be solved by play.

So when Masha tried to "educate" him (in her understanding, she called him into conversation), Stas began to whine and declare that he was not capable of anything, that he was a loser and always spoiled everything. It broke the game in the bud. After that, Stas, realizing that Masha no longer wanted to deal with him, ran away to play the computer. When, at Masha's insistence, he had to remove all the games from the computer, he began to run away to “play” with other girls. Soon, all these games (which Masha quite legally considered treason) were revealed, and Masha's relationship with Stas was severed.

Masha was no longer so much worried about the very fact of breaking off these second for her "serious relationship", she was frightened by the similarity of this story with how her relationship with Igor was built. It seemed that the story with Stas was a parody of the story with Igor, and Igor was a parody of Uncle Yura.

Reflection of the inner mechanics of your psyche

Masha twice stepped on the same rake, and this was enough for her to turn on reflection (the process of realizing what is happening in her psyche), but some people continue to make the same mistakes many, many times.

The fact is that it is not always possible for a person to consider in his soul the work of some kind of mental mechanisms that induce him to make the same type of erroneous choices, use erroneous strategies and make erroneous actions.

Scenario games are one of those very psychological mechanisms, a mechanism for overcoming ongoing stress or the consequences of psychological trauma. The protective mechanisms of the psyche, as it were, narrow our attention and self-awareness, save people from perceiving the phenomena that frighten them, and sometimes they deceive our mind, offering it an imaginary solution to problems. Thus, defense mechanisms seem to distort our perception of what is happening and intoxicate our minds with unfulfilled hopes. It is for this reason that many of the defense mechanisms of our psyche, including scenario games, turn out to be so difficult for independent comprehension.

Psychologists are so fond of poking around in a person's childhood, because they hope to find some kind of regularity in it and help a person understand what is happening in his psyche. But when it is possible to include reflection on at least one event, to realize the logic of the action of at least one obsolete protective mechanism, then a person, on the basis of this insight, gets the potential opportunity to realize the internal mechanics of the functioning of his psyche as a whole.

Very often, the realization of that scenario game, under the influence of which a person was, amazes and puzzles him: "Is it really that simple!"Really so much misfortune and suffering was caused by some stupid childhood fantasy and an awkward attempt to overcome your fear and your mental pain! To some extent, this is how it is. But, on the other hand, it is not so easy to identify and correct this early mental dislocation. It is seldom possible to “pull the hand” just like that.

This article belongs to a series of articles on the phenomenon of "age regression" in love relationships, as well as on the mechanism of "scenario games" that sometimes occur in love and family relationships. Through all the articles, an analysis of the relationship between Igor and Masha passes, they are an example of the manifestation of different mechanisms that sometimes work in love relationships.

Here is a list of all of these articles: