WHY CANNOT CONTRACT WITH A LOVER?

Video: WHY CANNOT CONTRACT WITH A LOVER?

Video: WHY CANNOT CONTRACT WITH A LOVER?
Video: Why you can't find a partner 2024, March
WHY CANNOT CONTRACT WITH A LOVER?
WHY CANNOT CONTRACT WITH A LOVER?
Anonim

Why can't you come to an agreement with your mistress? In the work of a family psychologist, there is such a regularly repeated situation: “A man comes and says: I had a mistress! I always knew that I would not leave my family! And the mistress and immediately at the beginning of the relationship and many times clearly communicated this! Despite the fact that I am a traitor and a radish, in that very question, my conscience is clear! And the mistress herself swore to me many times that she understood everything: she was not going to take me away from the family, and would not tell my family / wife about her existence! But, despite all our agreements with her, one day, she still wrote / called my wife and told her everything! And I also sent her all our correspondence, our intimate photos, the schedule of our meetings and overnight stays, the cost of the gifts that I gave her, etc. Tell me why and why did she do it ?! After all, we had such a nice time with her !!! Moreover, if I had behaved quietly and did not shine in front of my wife, you see, maybe in a few years I would have raised my children and go to her! Why did she do this to me ??? And most importantly, how after all this treacherous attack on my family, after my scandals with my wife, after some time still invites me to make peace, speaks of her love for me, offers sex and the continuation of the relationship? How can all this fit in one head ??? Why can't you come to an agreement with your mistress? Explain, doctor! !!"

The situation can be even more acute if the man and his mistress have even children planned or unplanned. Then what, the cheating men in this case say everything especially clearly: that he will not leave the family; will simply pay alimony, the amount of which is strictly defined; will also additionally help financially according to his capabilities; he will rarely communicate with an illegitimate child; the mistress to his wife about this relationship and the children does not tell anything; children born in and out of wedlock will not know about each other; any of the acquaintances or relatives of a man will not be informed about paternity; no matter how their relationship develops in the future, the mother-lover will not prevent the man from communicating with the child, will not deprive him of parental rights (if the man decides to register his paternity officially), etc. But, alas, for men and ah: again something happens in a woman's head that hurricane demolishes all such seemingly "reinforced concrete" agreements!

Men's logic:

Moreover, according to male rational logic, violating these rules of the game was first of all unprofitable for the woman herself. suffers and tears your health, torn apart by a double life? So why is this possible?

To be clear:

It's not about love or jealousy, although this also takes place. The main thing is the female mistress's resentment, which arises from feelings of deception and undervaluation! The fact is that when a married man acquires a mistress, he cannot tell her: “I have a wonderful wife and beloved children, I just do not have enough sex, and since you are ready to give it to me, then let's meet without any obligations until we get tired of it. " Most self-respecting girls simply do not agree to communicate with such motivation! " Therefore, a cheating man almost always tells her the following: “You are truly an ideal woman, to whom no one can compare! You are many times better than my existing wife! It is with you that I am happy, but with her - no! I live with my wife only because of the child / children and my responsibility! And therefore, although I do not live with you, but live in a family, know: All my thoughts are connected only with you alone: I only want you sexually; I want children only from you; I want to live only with you; all my goals in the future are connected only with you! ".

And then logic comes into play: If a cheating married man told his mistress that she is many times better than his wife, then the mistress should live better financially than the wife; see your man more often than your wife; have more different opportunities than a wife! I emphasize: not as much as my wife, but much more !!! This is where the main mistake of cheating men occurs: they are trying to create the illusion of equality between wife and mistress. Each - a fur coat, a car, a voucher. I spend the whole day with my mistress, and only the night with my wife. First I go on vacation to the sea with one, then - with the other! But, I emphasize: thanks to the statements of the man himself, the mistress is sure that she is better than his wife, and therefore she is many times more valuable to him than she! Respectively:

The material and personal needs of the mistress are always higher than the corresponding requests from the wife.

If a man intuitively understands this, or already has extensive experience of communicating with his mistresses, he tries to create in his mistress the correct and comfortable feeling for her self-esteem that she is the priority. The man does not inform her about his new purchases in the family, or about repairs, or about the acquisitions of his wife / wife, or about plans for a vacation with his family, etc. If at the same time, with his mistress, he is cold in telephone communication with his wife, his mistress is psychologically relatively calm. But if a man turns out to be so ingenuous that he honestly tells his mistress about his investments in his family and wife, but at the same time does not invest twice and three times more in his mistress, this gradually causes her cognitive dissonance. Simply put: a big surprise, a break in the template, envy of his wife and a huge resentment against his lover!

When a man considers it right to honestly divide his income equally between his family and his mistress, this will not arouse understanding either from his wife or from his mistress.

Why? Yes, because the psychology of a woman is arranged in such a way that any woman always considers herself unique, incomparable, ideal, invaluable, irreplaceable and therefore underestimated. And all this - all together, all at once and in one bottle. Therefore, if a married man tells his mistress that she is better than his wife, then there are only three correct schemes for his male behavior:

- the mistress does not know anything at all about how the lawful wife lives; in principle, does not notice her existence (the man leaves to spend the night with the children);

- the mistress knows only the official version of a married man that he does not communicate with his wife, does not have sex, does not love her, does not give gifts, goes on vacation only because of the child;

- the mistress knows the real state of affairs, how the wife lives, but at the same time sees that the wife actually receives much less money from her husband than the mistress.

If the mistress sees that the wife lives no worse than the mistress, or even clearly better, the mistress is psychologically oppressed! This gives her a complete feeling that the man is cheating on her: either he really does not love her and does not plan to be with her, or his relationship with his wife, in fact, is not as bad as he described. That for a mistress, in principle, is about the same.

Hence, wanting to check the degree of her appreciation by a man, a mistress either begins to demand large material investments for herself, or to reduce investment in the family (curtailment of any large family projects), or to accelerate the divorce and the man's departure from the family. But if a man has neither material opportunities nor moral strength to do this, then offended pride, resentment and despair take over his mistress so much that she understands: “All this time I was cruelly deceived, my feelings were played, I was used, but my wife, it turns out, defeated me! And, of course, a woman cannot accept all this and come to terms with it! Because the psychology of a woman is so arranged that, unlike a man, a woman cannot lose! The last word should always remain with her.

Even if a man tries to do something, it is very difficult for him because of the factor of social networks. After all, no matter what a man says to his mistress about his wife, the mistress will always find and will monitor his wife, children, relatives of his wife and man, all his friends and girlfriends of his wife on social networks on a daily basis. And any photos showing how well the wife lives, enjoys life and is not going to die of melancholy, cause additional attacks of indignation in her mistress. After all, the calculator in her brain counts everything …

To make it clearer what I am talking about, I will cite a letter from one mistress, sent to me back in the 2000s, but clearly never lost its relevance:

letter from mistress

“Andrey, when I realized that my lover seeks not just to invest equally in me and in my wife, but in me - on a leftover principle, this angered me! How can you go abroad first with her, and then with me ?! And in one hotel? How can we buy two identical fur coats for the New Year at once, service our cars at one dealer, give us approximately similar bracelets for our birthday? For me, this is the real bottom at which I am! Really my fool does not understand with his smart brain that with our equal financial content now, with his equal current investments in us, I will forever be a loser !!! Because he invested in his wife for fifteen years: he bought an apartment, built a house in the country, traveled the world, gave birth to children, fed and watered, and only two years are invested in me! And at such a pace I will not have a large apartment, or a country house, or a respectable circle of friends, or the status of a successful woman, or everything that my wife now has!

The question is: why am I worse than the woman about whom he always speaks so badly? Why is she worse than me, since her husband runs to me for affection, sex and drink, and she lives better than me? This is some kind of nonsense! And why I know everything about her life and because of this I suffer all day, but she knows nothing about my existence and does not worry at all! And why should her children live better than my existing child, whom I gave birth to at his request? Why should I hide myself and hide my child, if I am the best woman in his life ?! Tell me why?! It turns out, either I'm not better than her, and I still have nothing to catch with him? Or I am better, but to improve my life this will still not be enough, because he is under the heel of his wife and will never come out from under him! And here such an insult began to choke me, such envy of how beautifully and calmly my wife lives, that I decided to write to her!

If he really loves me and wants to come to me, he will forgive me anyway and will do it! If he does not love and does not leave the family, then I will take revenge on him and hurt her as her husband hurt me! Why should only I suffer - alone ?! All of them feel good, but me - crap! He happily fucks me, she is peacefully engaged in her child and does not think about anything sad, and only I am watching all of them and counting money in other people's pockets! This man is mine! And his money is mine! And why this bitch, who was just lucky to marry him many years before I knew him, lives abroad for a month with my money, goes to beauty salons with my money, changes her mobile phones, dresses the child in brands and obviously does not save up for a rainy day. But I am saving! And when I found out that he didn’t buy me a new mobile phone, but simply gave me his wife’s mobile phone and bought a new one for her, I just went wild and exploded! Okay, he once gave me his wife's car, I was young and endured everything. But will it go on like this, that I will still wear fur coats and underwear for her? Are they all really crazy there? Isn't everyone settling too well on me?

Therefore, I wrote to her the whole truth: about how and when we meet; when we go to their dacha; on what business trips I accompany him; what hotels we went to first with her, and then with me; how he lied to her that he was arriving from business trips a day later, and himself - to me; what gifts for her child and herself I personally chose. Let her and him shake now as well as me! And come what may! If I really am the queen of sex, as he says, then I should be the queen everywhere, not just in bed!"

I hope this letter will put everything in its place.

And the correct answer to the question “Why is it impossible to come to an agreement with a mistress, why does she not fulfill the agreement”, sounds like this: “Because the actions of married men in relation to their mistresses and wives do not correspond to what they themselves declare to these mistresses! And when the fog of words spoken after good sex is slightly debunked, and the mistress realizes with surprise and horror that the wife criticized by a man lives financially and psychologically better than she does, she is offended, sincerely considers herself deceived and seeks to correct the injustice committed (as she thinks) in relation to her! Therefore, letters and calls from mistresses to wives are a kind of conscious or unconscious desire to restore trampled justice, to return to the man and his wife that boomerang that hit the mistress's self-esteem when she saw how great the wife feels!

Hence, I directly say to cheating men that a relationship with a mistress is always the risk of a call or a letter from her to his wife (or another way of communicating about himself), because it is possible to agree in full with his mistress only in the following cases:

- A man is really a talented manipulator who knows how to create the correct illusion of “uniqueness and value!” In all his women;

- A man has a lot of money, which is enough for all his wives and mistresses;

- A man is so criminal and / or dangerous that his mistress is simply afraid of him;

- A man always keeps his word to his mistress and she is sure that since he promised, he, one day, will certainly divorce his wife and come to her at about the specified time;

- The mistress does not plan to build a serious relationship with a man at all and simply pulls money from him. Therefore, in this relationship of convenience, nothing offends her.

And since all these cases, taken together, give no more than 10% of all stories with mistresses, in 90% of cases, cheating men will have to go through unpleasant situations with the risk of unpleasant conversations with their wife, after the mistress herself informs her of her existence. Another thing is that not always in a direct way, most often - from unknown phone numbers and accounts, or simply in the form of specially forgotten underwear, hairpins or something else …

In general, treason is always roulette, in which the risk of defeat is hundreds of times higher than the chance of winning. And it is impossible to come to an agreement with mistresses, because no self-respecting woman can ever accept for herself that there is someone who lives better than her.

I am sure that this information will be useful to you not only for improving your family life, but also for a deeper understanding of yourself and correction of your personality and life path.

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