2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Maria Gasparyan
Gestalt therapist, family psychologist
Research has shown that there is a strong relationship between healthy self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. Self-esteem influences not only our opinion of ourselves, but also our understanding of how much love we are able to receive and how we relate to others, especially in personal relationships
How does self-esteem affect relationships?
Self-esteem suffers when you grow up in a dysfunctional family. Often, you don't have the right to vote. Your opinion and your wishes are not taken seriously. As a rule, in such families the parents themselves have low self-esteem and are dissatisfied with each other.
They lack the skills for healthy relationships, including collaboration, healthy boundaries, and conflict resolution skills. They can be offensive, or simply indifferent, anxious, controlling, manipulative, or inconsistent. In such families, children's feelings and personalities and needs are usually ashamed.
As a result, the child feels emotionally rejected and concludes that he or she is at fault or not good enough to be desired by both parents. Thus, the child is in the process of internalization (assimilation) of toxic shame. Children feel insecure, anxious and / or angry.
They don't feel safe to live, trust and love themselves. They become codependent with low self-esteem, learn to hide their feelings, "tiptoe", move away, try to please, or become aggressive.
Attachment type reflects self-esteem
As a result of their vulnerability, shame and low self-esteem, children, to varying degrees, develop an anxious (dependent) or avoidant (counterdependent) type of attachment. Developing an anxious and avoidant attachment type, they behave like stalkers or distance themselves. In the most extreme cases, some individuals do not tolerate loneliness or excessive intimacy, that is, something that can cause them unbearable pain.
Anxious (dependent) type of attachment
Anxiety can cause you to sacrifice your own needs in favor of meeting your partner's needs. Because of your inner insecurity, you are preoccupied with relationships and adjust to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less intimacy. But because your needs are not met, you become unhappy. In addition to this, you personally perceive everything in a negative way, projecting negative consequences. Low self-esteem forces you to hide your truth so as not to “drive the wave” that jeopardizes real intimacy. You may also be jealous of your partner's attention to other people, such as constantly calling or texting him, even if asked not to. With your repeated attempts to find consolation from your partner, you unwittingly push him away even more. Ultimately, both of you become unhappy.
Avoidant (counterdependent) type of attachment
The term "counterdependency" refers to avoiding intimacy and intimacy through behavioral distancing such as flirting, making personal decisions, being addicted, ignoring your partner, or rejecting his or her feelings and needs.
This creates tension in the relationship, which is usually voiced by the anxious partner. Because the "counterdependents" are overly vigilant about their partner's attempts to control or limit their independence in any form, they become even more distant. This type also does not promote relationship satisfaction.
Communication and self-esteem
Dysfunctional families lack the good communication skills they need to build intimate relationships. These skills are important not only for the relationship itself, they also reflect self-esteem. These include the ability to communicate clearly, honestly, concisely and confidently, as well as listening skills.
The presence of these skills assumes that you know and are able to clearly speak about your needs, desires, feelings, including the ability to set boundaries. Codependents deny their feelings and needs due to being shamed or ignored as children. They also deliberately suppress what they think and feel so as not to anger or alienate their partner and put themselves at risk of criticism or emotional loneliness.
Codependency. Self-esteem. Relationship
Instead, they rely on "telepathy", questioning, guardianship, blaming, lying, criticizing, suppressing problems, ignoring or controlling their partner. They learn strategies for dysfunctional communication by observing similar behavior in the families in which they grew up.
But this behavior is problematic in itself and can lead to an escalation of conflict, characterized by attacks, blame, and withdrawal. Established barriers prevent openness, intimacy, and happiness. Sometimes a partner seeks intimacy with a third party, threatening the stability of the relationship.
Boundaries and self-esteem
Dysfunctional families form unhealthy boundaries that are transmitted through parenting behavior and example. They can be controlling, aggressive, disrespectful, can use their children to meet their own needs, or project their feelings onto them. This destroys children's self-esteem.
As with adults, children also develop unhealthy boundaries. They have difficulty accepting other people's differences and accepting their personal space, especially in intimate relationships. Without boundaries, they cannot say no or defend themselves when necessary, often taking personally what others say.
They tend to feel responsible for the stated or perceived feelings of others, their needs and the actions to which they respond, contributing to the escalation of conflict. Their partner feels that he or she is unable to express himself without eliciting a defensive reaction.
Self-esteem affects intimate relationships
We all have needs for both separation and individuality, as well as closeness and unification. Independence presupposes adequate self-esteem - both of these concepts are necessary in a relationship. It is the ability to insist on your own, trust yourself and motivate yourself.
But when you don't love yourself, you isolate and become miserable spending time alone. It takes courage to confidently interact in close relationships. The courage that comes with accepting yourself allows you to value and respect your feelings and needs without fear of criticism or rejection.
It also means that you feel deserving and lovable. You won't waste your time chasing someone out of reach or pushing away someone who loves you and meets your needs.
Solutions
Recovering from childhood toxic shame requires working with a trained psychotherapist. Shame can diminish, self-esteem can increase, and attachment styles can change, and you can change the way you interact with yourself and the people around you. It is very useful to exchange experiences at self-help groups for codependents working on a 12-step program.
Family therapy is the ideal way to achieve greater satisfaction in a relationship. Therapy is useful even if one of the partners refuses to take part in it. Research confirms that increased self-esteem in one partner increases relationship satisfaction for both.
Often, even though only one partner attends therapy, the relationship changes for the better and the couple becomes happier. Otherwise, the client's well-being improves and he or she becomes able to accept the status quo or leave the relationship.
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