Parental Footprints

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Video: Parental Footprints

Video: Parental Footprints
Video: Digital Footprints - For Parents 2024, March
Parental Footprints
Parental Footprints
Anonim

Going down to the great river

We all leave footprints in the sand …

Time Machine

In this article I want to write about the role of significant others and what traces they leave in our soul, and how to deal with it?

In therapy, sooner or later one has to encounter these traces. And, as a rule, which is not surprising, with traces not the most "clean". Since the most significant people for a child are his parents, the greatest contribution here belongs to them. And sometimes it takes a psychotherapist a lot of time to "clean up these traces." I believe that psychotherapists all over the world need to get together and erect a monument to the "Client's Parents" as a token of gratitude for the fact that they have and always will have work J

There is such an expression in psychotherapy: "Parents never die." Here it is clear that we are not talking about the real endless life of these important people for us, but about their virtual representation in our psychic reality. And psychic reality, as you know, lives according to its own, by no means material laws.

Most of all in the study of this area, the representatives of psychoanalysis succeeded, more precisely that of its direction, which is called "Theory of object relations." Its essence in a nutshell is that our psyche consists of internal objects, which are internalized (assimilated) external objects.

That is, significant people from previous experience (primarily from early childhood) become, over time, the structural components of our I. This means literally that any important person from our childhood leaves its mark on our soul. And this trace can be very different, often far from the most pleasant. Let's talk about parental footprints here. We will further in the text call this internalized part of our I the inner Parent.

Lucky for those people who had loving, accepting, supportive parents. Harmony and harmony reign in their subjective reality. Having become adults, they are capable of a positive assessment of themselves, self-support, self-respect, and self-acceptance. They do not need to spend additional life energy to work with their inner conflicts. Their good inner Parent, like a magic talisman, supports and protects them even after their real parents have passed away.

The situation is completely different for those people whose parents turned out to be not so “good”: devaluing, criticizing, rejecting, humiliating, accusing, shaming, reproaching … And their trace in a person's life turned out to be from the “legacy” area. Then a part of the “bad” inner Parent is formed in the child's soul.

How do such "traces of others" manifest themselves in a person's life?

Most often in the form of internal inconsistency, the inconsistency of the self. The result of such inconsistency can be internal contradictions (for example, between I want and I need), and even internal conflicts.

The Inner Parent can also manifest itself in various forms of negative self:

  • Increased self-criticism;
  • Negative self-esteem;
  • Excessive self-control;
  • Inability to self-support;
  • Lack of self-esteem;
  • Impossibility of self-love (self-love)

This can be the cause of increased mobilization, inability to relax and, in general, manifest itself in the form of self-violence against oneself.

Parental traces can be found in those cases when you scare yourself, devalue, blame, shame, control, reproach.

The most typical reasons for contacting a therapist are the following:

  • Unstable self-esteem;
  • Dissatisfaction with life;
  • Lack of joy in life;
  • Inability to relax
  • Feeling “not your life”;

Example. A client came to therapy with a problem of being unable to relax. He is constantly in the "Faster, higher, stronger!" Mode. Rest, relaxation is perceived by him as a fear of stagnation, lack of forward movement. For example, for many years, engaged in physical improvement, he gets up every morning at 5 o'clock and does a set of exercises for an hour. No exceptions to the rule. Neither the state of health, nor well-being are taken into account, let alone weekends and holidays … In those rare cases when he fails to do this, he engages in self-accusation. The Inner Parent of this client does not allow him to relax, controlling, demanding new achievements from him.

Parental traces continue to live in us forever. Their voices sound either loud, imperative, or barely audible. Their influence on our life can be from insignificant, episodic to global. But it is always there! You may know about it, you can guess, but more often you will not know it.

They do not choose their parents … This is an axiom. And their traces in our life are far from always the way we would like to see them. And even physically dying, they continue to make their own edits to our scenario of life.

But you can treat this in different ways on follow up.

You can, when faced with this fact, get upset, take offense and complain all your life that you were unlucky with your parents. That there’s nothing you can do about it!

You can not just get upset and complain, but you can continue to expect that parents should change, become different - loving, giving, respecting, accepting. Finding no confirmation of this (Parents cannot be changed!), Continue to attack parents, take offense, get angry, whine …

The relationships described above are the essence of the child's position. A child who could not be disappointed and agree with such a sad reality of his.

And you can, having met such a truth of life, be disappointed and if you really do not accept it, then at least agree with such a reality of life. And if you do not thank your parents (and in some cases, except for the very fact of the possibility of life, and there is nothing to thank), then at least not waste energy and time of your life on unpromising expectations. Agree and move on. This is the position of an adult.

What is important is not what was made of me, but what I myself made of what was made of me - Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote. And his words are still relevant to our case. You can try to do it yourself, or you can resort to the help of a professional therapist.

I wrote about the strategy of working in therapy with the Inner Parent in the article My own parent.

The path is not easy, but worth it!

Love yourself! And the rest will catch up!

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