Aggression: How To Stop Getting Angry And Hitting Your Child

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

This is a very intimate topic. Most of the people who have done this are not recognized by others, do not discuss it with friends, do not consult psychologists about this. He tries to forget, not to remember. This is taboo in society. Doing this is embarrassing and unacceptable.

You cannot beat children. It is impossible to beat children who are not capable of adequate full-fledged protection. No point.

However, for many, as the children grow up, the period turns into a comma, and the phrase continues: "You can't beat children, but I do it." After the action - soul-tearing guilt and shame. Promising myself that never again, but after a while - again …

Of course, there are others for whom it is normal to beat children, this is a natural process of upbringing, without torments and pangs of conscience. This article is not for them, but for those who suffer from their actions, who want to understand and change something in their lives.

“I am married, my daughter is 11 years old. Very often I just break at her, get angry, I can hit, shout. The husband sees and does the same. Vicious circle. And we ourselves were punished in childhood and we understand that this is impossible. But in different situations I simply do not control myself. Then I worry, I hate myself and my husband for it …"

How can we change this vicious circle?

How to change the circle that was closed in your own childhood?

Let's try to figure it out.

Aggression is energy, without which human life is impossible.

Sometimes people are surprised by the fact that aggression is the necessary energy for human well-being. You may be surprised now, but this is so. Aggression is very necessary for all of us.

Otherwise, how can we defend our rights, our personal boundaries, understand that we do not like something or someone has crossed the line of what is permitted? No way. All this is possible only thanks to aggressive impulses within us, which push us into thoughts and the understanding that something is not going according to plan.

If there is an understanding of his internal aggressive feelings, if a person knows how to differentiate irritation, anger, rage, anger, if he is taught to control them, then aggression will not accumulate to the limit and be released at once by an outbreak of uncontrolled rage, and when the first irritation appears, it will be expressed in cultural and form accessible to the child.

For example, a child came home late. You can tell your child: “You and I had an agreement that you would come home at eight, and you broke it. This is not the first time I have violated it. It makes me angry. After all, if you violate the agreement and do not keep your word, it means that our agreement is no longer valid. It will be terminated by you. How can we be in such a situation?"

Thus, knowing your aggressive feelings, recognizing them in time, understanding the cause of their occurrence, you can find ways to express aggressive feelings in words that are accessible to the child's consciousness, and not by beating.

But this - if there is understanding. If there is no such understanding, then aggressive unconscious impulses are expressed in uncontrolled outbursts of rage and anger.

Why do children get hit?

In a family where parents do not know how to handle their aggressive energy, the child becomes a punching bag. He is weaker, he cannot give back. With children, you can afford what you cannot afford with your husband or colleagues at work - give vent to your feelings: yell, hit, insult. And all this is unpunished.

Why is this happening?

Although this happens unconsciously and uncontrollably, this action has a meaning. This happens in order to release the steam of aggression, to release your discontent, irritation, disagreement that has accumulated inside. If this steam was not released, and the tension would not pass, then there would be a stomach ulcer or quarrels in other places.

It is important to understand that often by beating a child, a common steam of aggression is simply released, which has accumulated in different places: at work, with her husband, with parents. A child is the simplest and most unpunished way to defuse the discontent that is created and accumulated within the parent, but is culturally incapable of expressing itself. Therefore, irritation, anger accumulates in different places, and splashes out with rage on the child, on the most safe object for this.

How can this be changed?

If this happens in order to let off steam and it is impossible to cancel this steam, then it is necessary to learn how to let off steam in a different way - culturally. Without whipping the child.

First, admit to yourself that you are suffering from bouts of uncontrollable and uncontrollable aggression and want to change that.

Most likely, as a child, you were treated the same way you treated your child. Or, on the contrary, there was a very explicit prohibition on aggressive feelings. In any case, you were not taught to timely manage aggressive impulses within you, you were not taught to express them in a form acceptable to our culture, you were not taught to understand them and use them for your own good. You are far from alone with this problem in our society.

Secondly, think about it and understand if the child is the only cause of such outbursts of rage. What are you still unhappy with in life? Review all areas of your life, relationships with all people. Write down all situations with all people that cause negative emotions and that you would like to, but cannot yell, beat, etc. Think of how you can express your negativity to them in a socially acceptable way. Try it in life.

Third, analyze how the outbursts of your aggression against the child develop. Step by step rewind the situation and remember how the cup of rage began to fill drop by drop. Get to the point where irritation has just begun to tickle your nerves. Analyze many situations. Get to know those triggers that turn you on. Try to change your attitude towards them.

Fourth, try to imagine how the situation might develop without hitting the child. Anger is a reaction to the fact that something did not happen as we would like. How can you make it clear to a child without assault? Try this in life.

Summarizing all of the above, I want to say that uncontrollable outbursts of rage can destroy any relationship. The parent-child relationship will certainly not become strong and trusting if one hits with impunity and the other endures meekly.

Therefore, parents who suffer from this form of behavior need to rethink their forms of life, learn to manage the emerging aggressive impulses, understand the reason for their occurrence and create new ways to express such violent and overwhelming feelings.

Of course, it will take a lot of effort to acquire such skills. You may have to seek additional help from a psychologist, because everyone's situations are different and it is impossible to fit all the nuances in one article.

The main thing is that the acquisition of the ability to express your dissatisfaction calmly with the help of words, the development of the ability to build relationships with a child not on threats and intimidation, not on corporal punishment for disobedience, but on mutual understanding and a life without guilt and shame for what you have done are worth the effort spent on it.

Do you agree?

With wishes for a calm family life, psychologist Svetlana Ripka