Inner Child - 2

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Where there is no childhood

there is no maturity either.

Françoise Dolto.

Being fifty does not mean to stop

be forty, twenty, three.

This means that if you are fifty, then at the same time

you are forty, thirty, twenty, ten, five and two years old.

J. M. Robin.

This article is a continuation of the article "Inner Child-1"

Modern theories of development contain the idea that this process (development) presupposes not only consistency, but also simultaneity. Adult life is not applied to childhood as its simple continuation, time lines are layered on top of each other and act simultaneously (J. M. Robin). In the structure of the personality of an adult, there are various Ego-states (E. Bern), internal objects (representatives of the theory of object relations).

Each internal state has its own functions, feelings, attitudes, habitual patterns of action. Each state consistently appears on the “stage of mental life” of a person in certain situations.

Let us consider in more detail two such states - the states of the inner child and the inner adult, hereinafter referred to in the text as the Child and the Adult.

Child - vital, creative, spontaneous, emotional.

The child's functions are play, creativity.

Adult - responsible, aware, balanced, rational … Functions of an Adult - decision making, choice, care, support …

Child - demanding, needy, dependent …

Adult - giving, confident, supportive, calming …

Children's attitude towards life - "wait" and "receive". Expect adults to satisfy their needs and take and receive what they give him.

Adult installation - "act", "take" and "give". Not to expect anything from others and from life, but to act, take for oneself, and give to someone in need.

The ability of a person to be in contact with his internal objects is a condition of his psychological health. Psychological problems arise when some part of the personality turns out to be turned off, non-functioning. This can apply to both the Child state and the Adult state. When does this happen? How does it manifest? I will describe the most typical variants of such manifestations.

Happy child

Happy are those people who had psychologically adult parents. In this case, they had a happy, carefree childhood. “Good enough parents” (Winnicott's term) are capable of performing a number of important parenting functions, namely:

• containment of the child's failures (the parent softens the failures, smooths them out, does not allow them to hypertrophy the child's emotions to a state of panic and horror);
• advance payment (the parent believes in the child's capabilities, provides him with the conditions for independent achievement of goals);
• maintaining a sense of joy in the baby in happy moments for him (parents sincerely rejoice with their baby, feel a sense of pride in him).

Parental qualities-functions (care, support, acceptance, love) are internalized by the child (appropriated, assimilated) and become over time the child's functions - self-support, self-reliance, self-acceptance, self-complacency … and many other “self-”. As a result, a matured person in standard, familiar situations for him no longer needs the support of his parents and is able to work independently in a “self-mode”.

If such already adults have a good connection with their inner child, then there is also an opportunity to feed from this state of energy for life. As an adult, a happy child can confidently walk through life, solve problems, make decisions, make choices. Such people seem to be harmonious, whole, they have more chances to be psychologically healthy and happy.

Only a happy child has the ability to grow up psychologically in a natural way.

Traumatized child

A child may be traumatized as a result of chronic frustration with one or more important needs. Such frustration is the result of the parents' inability, for physical or psychological reasons, to meet his vital childhood needs. Since parental figures are the source of many of the child's vital needs (for safety, acceptance, support, etc.), the nature of the injuries can be different. More details about this can be found in our (written jointly with Natalia Olifirovich) book "Fairy stories through the eyes of a psychotherapist", published this year by the publishing house "Rech" (St. Petersburg).

Frustrated in some vital need for him, the child is faced with the need to prematurely face the harsh reality of life, and is forced to grow up early. Psychologically unprepared for adulthood due to the immature of a number of adult functions, he often resorts to idealizing the world as a defense. Idealization creates the illusion of the existence of a good, supportive, protective world as opposed to the real and unfavorable world. A vivid illustration of this phenomenon is the heroine of G. Kh. Andersen - "Girl with matches". A freezing, hungry, lonely girl imagines the bright world of the Christmas holiday in the light of burning matches.

The traumatized child is forever stuck between two worlds - the world of the Child and the world of the Adult. Outwardly, physically, such people look like adults, internally, psychologically, they remain children. Such people are always psychologically in the position of a child - undernourished, eternally hungry, dissatisfied, needy, dependent, demanding of others. Resentments, discontent, reproaches, claims of such an adult child are initially intended for parents, however, other people, most often their life partners, may fall under these projections. See more about this in my article "Complementary marriages" and "Psychological characteristics of partners in complementary marriages" published on this site.

In a situation of psychotherapy, such clients complain, take offense at others, life, world, fate. The psychological reason for this behavior is the fear of being left alone, the lack of trust in a loved one and in the world in general. They are like small, anxious, chronically hungry, insatiable children cannot believe that the Other person will not leave them, will not leave, will always be available. In fear of being lonely and defenseless, such people "cling" to partners, creating codependent patterns of relationships.

The main therapeutic task in working with the client "Traumatized child" will be his growing up, "growing up". The essence of psychotherapy in this case is to create such a psychotherapeutic relationship in which the client would have space for the additional formation of his interrupted developmental processes. The therapist here will have to be patient and, at the beginning of the therapy, conditionally become for such a client his parent - reliable, sensitive, understanding and accepting - in order to satisfy his frustrated childhood needs and create the foundation for the client's growing up. The method of such work (“transformative internalization”) was most fully described by Heinz Kohut in his books “Transformation of the Self” and “Analysis of the Self”.

In addition to the cases of chronic frustration of early childhood needs described above, any person in a situation of mental trauma can also fall into such a “childish” position of a defenseless, disorganized child, when the adverse impact of the external environment is prohibitive for his adaptive resources.

However, such cases of forced regression are easily recognized due to their obvious connection with the traumatic factors that cause them. These are examples of acute psychotraumas that immediately follow traumatic circumstances and, as a rule, disappear after their deactualization. If, in such cases, psychological assistance is needed, then it is not of such a long-term nature and solves other problems than in the case of the above-described injuries resulting from the frustration of early needs in parent-child relationships.

Forgotten child

There is a certain category of adults who have lost touch with their inner happy child. This can cause adult problems: loss of the meaning of life, depression, loneliness, alienation, apathy, boredom, loss of joy in life, its stereotypical nature, "freshness", meaninglessness.

The ultimate variant of such alienation from your inner child can be crises in the life of an adult.

A crisis is a kind of regression to early ways of behaving and understanding the world, the loss of the usual attitude. At the same time, this is the only way to change and move to a new stage in your life. In a crisis, there are two alternatives for a person: to survive or die. Here we are not necessarily talking about real, physical death. Death is viewed as a stop in development, stagnation, following habits, patterns and stereotypes, while life is seen as creative adaptation, the ability to see and choose, to be open to the outside world and the world of one's experiences.

Getting into a crisis situation, an Adult each time faces the need to meet with his inner Child, and successful overcoming of the crisis presupposes a dialogue between the child and the adult part, as a result of which it is possible to "cleanse the husks" - everything superficial, external, secondary, and acquire a new level of integrity. depth, sensitivity, inner wisdom.

The most difficult situation arises when an adult with an inner traumatized child is in a crisis state. Its adult part cannot take anything from its childish part - neither spontaneity, nor spontaneity, nor joy - it simply is not there. The person may be deeply depressed, often with thoughts of death. In such cases, the help of a professional psychologist / psychotherapist is needed. The focus of professional attention here shifts to the condition of the traumatized child. It is impossible to get such a person out of the crisis without working through their early childhood traumas.

Briefly about therapeutic strategies of work

In conclusion, I would like to draw your attention to the general and the excellent in working with clients-traumatic and clients in crisis.

The common thing for them will be the creation in the process of therapy of the possibility of the Meeting of two internal states - the Child and the Adult.

For clients - traumatics, the main psychotherapeutic task will be to "nurture" the inner traumatized Child, which is necessary for the emergence of the function of an Adult who is able to rely on himself and cope with the challenges of life.

For clients in crisis, the therapeutic task will be to "reanimate" the forgotten Child, with the restoration of sensitivity to their desires, feelings, experiences.

In therapy, I use a number of specific techniques to solve these problems, including copyright ones, such as an empty chair, a letter to my Child, a letter to my Adult, work with projective cards, an identification toy, and others.

For nonresidents, it is possible to consult and supervise via Skype