A Shameful Topic. Abuse

Video: A Shameful Topic. Abuse

Video: A Shameful Topic. Abuse
Video: The Problem of Shame 2024, March
A Shameful Topic. Abuse
A Shameful Topic. Abuse
Anonim

In this article I will try to look at the drama of abuse from different angles, I will try to draw a complete picture. I think that this topic evokes strong feelings for many. With my article I am not going to devalue someone's experiences, this is just an attempt to take into account the contribution of everyone. I do not intend to blame the victim or to justify the abuser, although I admit that some of my words may be interpreted that way. I enter this topic with such a preface because it constitutes the core of the abusive relationship: if the other is right, then I am automatically not (the experience of the victim), if I am right, then the other is automatically not (the experience of the abuser). Most often, in these relationships, they both change roles: either the other is totally and in everything is right, then I am. I will try to show the "truth" of each, his picture, and this does not exclude the existence of a picture of the other.

The complex phenomenon of abuse involves not only the aggressor and the victim, but also bystanders (observers). In my opinion, it is they, their presence that are the catalyst for this process.

So, let's first understand what I mean by "abuse". Abuse - this is a demonstration of unimportance, worthlessness, uselessness to significant adults, addressed to a dependent child in various forms: ignorance, devaluation, physical abuse, sexual use. Abuse is the use of a child by an adult for his own purposes, an abuse of the authority of an adult.

I think we can talk about the primary abuse (true) - the experience received in childhood. And secondary - acting out this childhood experience as an adult. There is a significant difference between these types of abuse. In the first case, the child cannot avoid this experience (with rare exceptions) and is forced to change his reality, his perception in order to adapt. In the second case, there are physical possibilities for leaving, but mentally it is experienced as an impossibility. The victims of abuse are often condemned precisely for the fact that they continue to remain in the current intolerable reality, condemned by those who have not had the experience of abuse, which means they perceive the situation in a completely different way, "from their own bell tower." I will write more about this later, when describing the observers.

In what follows, I will describe exactly the primary abuse; in the secondary abuse, all the same mechanisms operate. The only difference is that it is not an adult and an adult who interact in a relationship, but a child-parent couple. The child's experience is activated for the victim, for the aggressor it is also for the child, but as an identification with the aggressor. In the therapy of abuse, it will not be possible to avoid the stage of switching into the aggressor (from the victim), and the return of the victim's feelings (from the aggressor). This aggression is either directed at the therapist (in the first case) or projected onto him (in the second). Resilience in the subject of violent affects is important for the therapist in order to be able to be present when working with this topic.

Coming to therapy at 20 (30, 40, sometimes 50), some people still idealize their parents, for me this is a signal that most likely the relationship with the idealized parent was abusive. It is curious that at the same time the second parent, who is most often the same victim of abuse, is experienced by the aggressor, and the real abuser is the most loving person in the world, only getting angry with him for some reason is in no way possible.

The first strong feelings in therapy are associated precisely with the return of the childhood experience to consciousness. What it really was like with this person next to me. This awareness can be accompanied by an outburst of rage against the therapist, it is designed to protect the reality in which a person has existed for many years, and the mechanism that helped adapt, but now unconsciously interferes with living, and usually entering into close relationships.

Victim of abuse … A child constantly receiving messages:

- your feelings are not important;

- it would be better if you weren't there;

- I am sick because of you (I am very worried, I am experiencing financial difficulties, I cannot get a divorce);

- it doesn't matter what you want, you "must" (there is a long list).

Most of all, reality is distorted by the fact that direct aggression is not always present in the abuse, and the abusers are very fond of saying phrases like: “You have everything, no one beats you, your parents don't drink, what are you still unhappy with ?? Look how others live! " The child believes in this picture in order to maintain the idea of the NORMALITY of the adult's behavior. It is easier for him to experience his own abnormality: “I am bad, therefore it is possible with me!” Than to admit the abnormality of the situation in which he is. Firstly, it is still impossible to get out of it, and to recognize reality - to face powerlessness, which is already very abundant in childhood. Secondly, the concept of the norm comes from the parental family - "it is normal as it is with us." Further, the norm is slightly (and very rarely radically) corrected by the society in the course of crises. Also, the therapeutic process is aimed at a critical attitude towards the learned norms, at trying on rigid norms to the current reality in which a person is.

The child enters into an unconscious conspiracy with the parent and broadcasts to the environment that everything is fine with them. It is only in adolescence that rebellion can ensue, but most often it is acted out in a behavioral way. A child who suffers everything begins to "bite", but he still does not understand what exactly gives him discomfort. He suffers, those to whom this aggression is redirected (in its outbursts adolescents can be extremely cruel) suffer, and the norm does not change. Here I will turn to the abuser.

Aggressor … If you think that the aggressor is a devil, a kind of monster that does not have a human face, then you are very mistaken. Most likely you are familiar with a considerable number of abusive people and are convinced that they are lovely wonderful people: sparkling and talented. They often go far in the service, knowing how to truly charm others, making others fall in love with their charisma and adhering to strict (often very idealistic) principles. This social mask, or false self, also arises as a result of abuse. Both the abuser and the victim experience a tremendous amount of unconscious shame. More precisely, the abuser transfers his shame to the victim. And the craving for perfection is an attempt to neutralize this shame. But such a game, a game of demonstration, expends so much energy that, having crossed the threshold of the house, the abuser is transformed. I think that this process is often uncontrollable, and the person himself suffers greatly from these switchings. Now all the anger, envy, sadness and other "socially unencouraged feelings" suppressed during the day fall on those who will not leave the aggressor, no matter what he does - on children. It is important for a person to "drain the negative" in order to go again tomorrow and charm everyone who meets on his way.

The affect sooner or later subsides, the shame and guilt that come after the realization “what have I done again” are so strong that they do not allow us to take responsibility for what is happening. For example, say to a child: "Forgive me please, I behaved inappropriately, I am very sorry about my behavior, it is not your fault that I could not control my emotions." If a person is capable of this, then the child may remain traumatized, but he will not associate the behavior of another with himself in the future, and this is an opportunity to build his own relationship in a different way.

But, more often than not, these words are not there, one's own behavior is amnestied and is intensively smoothed out by sometimes rather strange manifestations. For example, "behind the eyes" the parent is very proud of the child, speaks warmly about him, and "in the eyes" the opposite is demonstrated. Often at the funeral, the victims of the abuser are surprised to learn how much the deceased loved them, respected and proud of them. This further increases the block on negative feelings towards him, his own insignificance is lived even brighter.

Quite briefly, I will add that in a relationship the abuser in a state of passion does not see other people, he projects his own wounded part and “wets” it. Such a projection is also the easiest to create on a child, since it was as a child that the abuser himself was injured.

Witnesses … Witnesses are an important link in this vicious circle. It is in front of them that a performance about an ideal family is being played out. They are perplexed how such an ungrateful rude child grows up with such caring parents. With a limited amount of information, they make their own judgments. The child remains in real loneliness. Few will believe that what is happening in the family is true. As far as I know, even experts are inclined to explain such stories as children's fantasies. This is influenced by several mechanisms: admitting the truth and not doing anything about it is to face your own shame. To admit the truth is to finally notice that the world is unfair, and this is something that many people diligently avoid.

The witnesses by their inaction normalize this reality for the victim. Only he experiences vivid feelings in response to what is happening, which means he is abnormal. All rays converge to one point: to the victim.

Later, this person will grow up and will think that his "bad" thoughts cause cataclysms, that his existence is an unfortunate mistake. He will thoroughly uproot his "insignificant self", and reach out to the powers that be, identifying with them at least slightly weakening the experience of his own insignificance. "For the sake of the fact that this respected person is next to me (and therefore I am worth something) you can endure a lot from him, this is not such a big price, and besides, it is very familiar." Such a choice often becomes the cause of death: at the hand of this respected person in another passion or suicide with the threat of losing him. Abuse is very scary. Humiliated people are terrible, someone who once took away their honor and dignity, someone who was supposed to protect them. Humiliation will be transmitted as if along a chain, only the vector changes: myself or others.

Not only are the victims traumatized, reality is distorted in all three. In my opinion, the way out into humanity is possible only through recognition and sharing of this experience with others. “I was humiliated”, “I was humiliated”, “I ignored humiliation next to me!”. By meeting the honest feelings of others towards such a self. Through pain, shame, bitterness. Through an apology or an accusation. Through the truth.

Author: Tatiana Demyanenko

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