How To Tell Your Child About Divorce?

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Video: How To Tell Your Child About Divorce?

Video: How To Tell Your Child About Divorce?
Video: How To Tell Children About Divorce 2024, March
How To Tell Your Child About Divorce?
How To Tell Your Child About Divorce?
Anonim

Mom and Dad decided to divorce … If before that everything was fine in the family and both parents took part in raising the child, then the news of the divorce will not only shock him, but can also cause serious psychological trauma. To avoid this, parents must correctly explain to the child why they will no longer live together, and support him in this situation. I am a parent will tell you how to do this.

How to build a conversation with a child?

A child should only report the parental breakup when the final decision on divorce is made (an application is filed), and not after an emotional quarrel. If divorce is not an intention and not a reflection, but already inevitable, the child must be informed about this, but try not to go into details, that is, give as much information as is necessary and sufficient. The older the child is, the more explanation and discussion will be required.

Children under three years old, first of all, pay attention to emotions and intonation, while words are still in the background for him, so parents will need to make every effort to stabilize their internal state, otherwise anxiety will be transmitted to the child.

After three years, the child already needs an explanation. From three to six (in preschool age), the child is inclined to take the reason for the parents' divorce personally. It is very important in this situation to explain to the child that the relationship has changed only between mom and dad, but they still love him and he is not to blame for the breakup.

It is advisable for both parents to talk to the child at once. And it is better that the position of mom and dad is coordinated. Even if there is no more marital affection between you, you still remain a family, since you are forever tied by common children. A friendly and respectful atmosphere is a necessary foundation for your child's calmness and constructive "digestion" of this news.

The most important preparation is preparing yourself and your partner for a conversation. The child reads the state of the parent primarily at the bodily and emotional levels. Thus, if you, going to a conversation, will worry about how the child will perceive the news, you will be nervous, fiddling with something in your hands, your voice will tremble, then the child's complex experiences will intensify.

There is no need to talk long about the break itself. Try to focus on the information that will reassure the child: "Dad is leaving, but you will see him almost as often as before," "Dad is leaving, but he will call you every day and talk to you for a long time."

Think about what you can offer your child in the new environment, try to be truthful and talk about those obligations that you are confident in fulfilling.

Psychologist Ekaterina Kadieva wrote very well and correctly about divorce and its effect on the child's psyche. According to her, there are rules that must be followed when telling a child about a divorce. And here are some of them.

  • Firstly, a divorce in a family is a mutual, voluntary decision of both parents, no one forces anyone.
  • Secondly, you need to explain to the child that the decision to divorce is final, and no one and nothing can change it.
  • You should also explain to the child that he is absolutely not to blame for the fact that the parents disagree, and none of his actions can influence their decision. Often children think that they were the reason that mom no longer lives with dad.

The main mistakes of parents

1. Pretend that nothing is happening, or hide the problem

The child will still see changes (in relationships, emotions, habitual routine). If the parent behaves as if nothing had happened or come up with fables like "dad went on a long-term business trip," then the child may lose a basic sense of security, trust in the world and parents.

2. Go into details or talk too general / abstract

There is no need to discuss the details of the partnership and the "adult" reasons why you decided to break up. But at the same time, it is worth avoiding vague phrases, like "we do not suit each other." Children need specific indicators of a problem that they understand. For example, "You've noticed that we often quarrel with dad."

3. Insult your partner, swear during a conversation

In a situation of divorce, I really want to throw out the resentment, blame the other half for all sins. But the responsibility for the divorce lies with both parents.

There is no need to denigrate mom / dad in the eyes of the child and arrange scenes with a showdown in his presence. It will bring nothing but harm to the child's psyche.

In addition, there may be the opposite effect: it is the parent who criticizes and blames his partner that will cause a negative attitude. Also, there is no need to compare a child with a partner in a negative context (“you are the same as your father / your mother!”), Because in this situation there is a message of splitting the child's personality into male and female components, where one of them is a negative figure. As a result, the skills corresponding to the given figure are lost: empathy, acceptance, tenderness, if the female figure is denied; decisiveness, progressiveness, achievement, if the male figure is denied.

4. Discuss the issue of divorce in the presence of third parties or spontaneously (on emotions)

The conversation should take place in a comfortable atmosphere for the child, in private. Grandmothers, grandfathers, close friends are not the best company for such conversations. Ask the close circle to be tactful in this situation and not to discuss the issue of the parents' divorce with the child (and even more so before the parents themselves do it).

5. Leave the child alone with the worries

Of course, the divorce of the parents is a great stress for the child, so he cannot be overlooked for this period. You need to try to spend more time with your child - to communicate on various topics, to go somewhere together. But to do this is unobtrusive, very delicate, observing rather than pestering with questions. If the child does not ask questions, it is better not to raise the topic once again, but to wait until he himself becomes the initiator of the conversation. Just be there and be ready to answer questions.

And finally …

As a rule, after a divorce, the child remains to live with his mother, while it is very important that he does not lose his emotional connection with his father, then he will not feel abandoned and inferior. If the relationship between the father and the child has been successful before, then most likely you will not have to look for reasons to meet.

If the dad was not close to the child, the mother does not need to make this gap even more. On the contrary, you need to try to focus on what still united the child and the father. What kind of activity caused a mutually pleasant experience? Maybe playing hockey or collecting coins with cities? Let the child continue to be addicted to what his father infected him.

Another example: the husband valued work more than family relationships, which, in fact, became the cause of the discord. Try to turn this situation around so that it is beneficial to the child. It is necessary to show your ex-husband that your common child needs to acquire such qualities as efficiency, determination, endurance, and that your spouse is the best example of this and will be able to convey this to him. Let the father teach this to the child, and then they will remain close.

Irina Korneeva

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