2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A fragment from the book " What do we confuse love with, or Love is …" We are responsible for the health of our teeth, for example. Therefore, we take care of oral hygiene every day, even if you don't want to. If we stop doing this, then we will have dental health problems.
Likewise, we do a lot of routine, not always interesting and pleasant things, just to keep our life in order.
Also, for example, we take care of indoor plants and trees in the garden - in order to enjoy their flowering and fruits, we must invest something in their growth. We service the car, etc.
Relationships also require an investment of energy in their maintenance and development. In order to enjoy closeness, mutual understanding, joint joy for a long time, you have to do some kind of routine. If we do not invest in relationships, but only wait for joy and pleasure from them, then the relationship will quickly wither.
This does not mean that you need to force yourself and do what your soul despises. But if the partner and the relationship are important, then the contribution to the relationship is also necessary, although sometimes this does not cause delight.
Mutual interest in a relationship
It is difficult to talk about security, about the opportunity to open up when one is interested in a relationship and the other is not.
Love, friendship, and other long-term relationships are formed when both are equally interested in the relationship. Yes, there may be periods when someone is a little more distant or has a slightly more desire for contact than a partner. But in general, the desire to maintain and develop relations should be comparable.
One of the common mistakes in relationships is trying to build a relationship with someone who is less interested in it. Then all the tasks of building relationships are taken on by the one who is more interested. The one who is less interested does not take responsibility.
Keeping an interest in a relationship is also an element of mutual responsibility.
Yes, on the one hand, relationships are pleasure, ease, play, spontaneity.
On the other hand, we ourselves organize this pleasure for ourselves. It is our mutual task to make it interesting and enjoyable. Do not expect that everything will happen by itself or that the partner will do everything, but also bring something of your own so that interest is maintained.
If interest fades away, then it is also a responsibility to notice this, discuss it with your partner and, if there are no other options, then end the relationship, and not let everything take its course.
Stable contact
It is important that there is stability in contact.
Regular attempts or threats to break contact or demonstrative detachment - destroy the security in the relationship.
It is important to determine initially what might actually cause the relationship to end. And in the process of the relationship itself, confirm that everything is good in the relationship and nothing threatens intimacy. In case of problems - discuss constructively and seek a solution.
Emotional work
Emotional work is what we do to maintain and develop relationships.
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Taking care of yourself in a relationship. Understand in time what you want, what you don’t want, what you like, what you don’t like - and convey this to your partner. Doing so that you feel comfortable in the relationship. Introduce what is interesting and pleasant for yourself.
Take an active position. In order not to suffer, not to be a victim, not to explode at one moment, that “everything is bad, enough is enough, we have had enough”.
- Taking care of your partner. Be empathetic, show attention and interest, get to know your partner, remember (or write down) important things, show care and love in the format in which the partner perceives it. Asking “how was the day” and really hearing and understanding, remembering about the birthday of the partner's parents (putting a reminder on the phone), offering something pleasant for the partner, etc., etc.
- Caring for relationships. Noticing what's going on in a relationship. Are both comfortable. Relationships develop or wither. What can improve them. Etc. This is to talk in time, and not to brush it off. And take the initiative in something in time. And make concessions on something.
It is important that the emotional work is mutual. If one goes to meet, and the other does not, one shows concern, and the other does not, one is interested, and the other does not, then the relationship will not be comfortable and happy.
Take-give balance
Among other things, it is important to maintain a take-give balance. If there is a significant bias - someone invests more, someone less - then it is difficult to talk about safety and satisfaction with the relationship.
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