Sex With Ex

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

This text is an attempt to understand on a psychological level why men and women prefer to resume relationships that have ended in the past. Step on your favorite rake again and again

The author warns that any coincidence is accidental, but non-coincidence is natural

A young man, twenty-six years old, walks down the street with a package, hums a song. In the space of the author's fantasy, everything is possible, and we, armed with a myelophon, will listen to his thoughts:

“I bought a bottle of champagne, a box of chocolates, a pack of condoms. Gentleman's set. Today we agreed to meet with the ex. We parted with her six months ago. He left himself. I'm tired of it. Boring with her. A beautiful, tall, slender blonde. The sex is great, but after that there is nothing to talk about. I thought that something would change over time, but …

Actually, I never loved her. I met for the sake of sex - for the sake of his beloved and I am returning now. I haven't found anyone for the last four months. I was afraid to approach the beautiful, I thought they would send it off, but the ugly ones were not my level. There were a couple of acquaintances and sex lately, but it's not that … I missed my "old lady". And yet the intrigue - will it fail or not."

What does the beautiful girl to whom our hero rushes thinks?

"My good. I thought about it. Come back to me today. All the time we met, he was dissatisfied with something. There must be something wrong at work. After all, he said that he did not like her. Now he changed his job, "VKontakte" saw, such a joyful one against the background of the company's brand, worth smiling. He is so sensitive, gentle and kind. I feel so good with him. He figured out himself and will now return to me forever. We will get married and go on vacation to the sea. Stop, and if he quits again. He will come, play and leave. I don’t want to. It hurt so much when he left, cried for a month. I could not work - I was almost kicked out. Couldn't understand why everything was so unfair? After all, he told me that he loves, that he likes me. True, we did not go anywhere, neither can you drag him to the cinema, nor to dances. She loves to come to me, eat, have sex and go home to her parents. My mother also constantly puts pressure on me, she says, they say, leave this Artyom, find yourself a normal guy. I don't want to look for anyone. No strength. A month ago, a friend was dragged to a disco, and there was one drunk. They climb to squeeze. Ugh. Disgusting."

After a month of passionate dates, our hero finally broke up with a beautiful girl. Sometimes, due to an old friendship, he dropped in once a month, but his chosen one was sluggish during the pleasures, he abandoned and they completely parted.

So, the sketching of the topic is over, and now let's look at the psychological phenomena that occur in it.

Depreciation - a man treats a woman as an object, a thing created to satisfy his basic needs (food and sex). It is easier to create an image of a pleasure doll in your head than to recognize a living person in another, to see a woman who is in pain, who suffers and loves.

Lack of contact - everything looks as if random people met and have sex for relaxation. It is absolutely not clear what common goals, values and interests unite the couple. What is attractive about it? Emotionally cold, calculating, self-centered. What are the prospects for the development of relations? It seems that communication with each other does not go beyond the formal level. Where did she get such naivety? Why does she agree to such a relationship? The only way to feel intimacy in this couple is through sex. But alarm bells sound in the mind - not that, not so, not that …

Victim and Aggressor - roles are assigned. She suffers and experiences pain in this relationship, and he seems to be pleased. Although, if he felt so good, he would not break off the relationship. It may well be that he is angry with her because he cannot answer love with love, for his "market" position in relationships. And then he already turns into a victim, and she, with her innocent love, into an aggressor. It remains only to wait for the rescuer for the Karpman triangle to work in full force.

Fear of a new relationship. Of course, it is very painful to part and start a new relationship, it's like jumping from one train to another. Pain, awareness of one's own inferiority, failure can immobilize and not only get to know, but also deprive the strength of getting out of bed. If we return to the title of our topic "Sex with the ex," then laziness, inertia whisper in his ear - why look, because here is a beaten track, you can return and be accepted, treated kindly.

A blurred personal line. “But let your word be:“yes, yes”,“no, no”; and anything beyond this is of the evil one”(Bible, Matthew 5:37). In this story, from the side of the heroine, one can see "sticking" on the object of affection. There is an apt metaphor for such a relationship - "my hands will not be torn off." Something neurotic is seen in this attachment, similar to the dyad - mother-child.

Conclusions and recommendations

Everyone has the right to dispose of themselves as they please and to enter into relationships with exes as often as they want. There is a possibility that the relationship will change and reach a new level. But at the same time, it is important to take into account that a person changes very slowly, or even does not change at all. Chances to change something appear when someone who is unhappy with a relationship takes responsibility for the situation in their own life and changes their behavior. By doing this, he starts the mechanism of changes in the pair.

Sex is not a prerequisite for the relationship of ex-partners. It is important to try to feel, and then what? What feelings will I experience after intimacy? Am I ready for pain, disappointment?

Alternatively, you can meet and try to establish contact at a deep level - emotions, values. Tell about how the breakup was experienced and that you don't want to. Assume in another a living person who also experiences pain, suffering, sadness.

To make it easier to get over the breakup with a loved one, try to fill the resulting void and vacuum with new values and meanings. Pay attention to areas of potential development such as friends, interests, work, health. Start with small steps - morning exercises and reading books (10-20 minutes a day), gradually capturing more and more new areas of life. You can do this on your own or with the help of a “mentor”.

Three to six months will pass and life will again sparkle with bright colors.