2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The trauma of rejection in an adult is not exactly trauma, and not quite rejection. As a child, such a person was unlucky, he was not unconditionally accepted, this is how the circumstances developed. And in the past, the child was able to withstand what was happening to him, only thanks to fantasies about a world in which everything will be as he wants. He agreed with himself to be patient, betraying himself, on the condition that he would receive everything, everything, everything, but later.
The child grew up, became an adult, and he had no opportunity to revise his unconscious. That dream remained his guiding star and the meaning of life, and now, as an adult, he has to pay dearly for it, dooming himself to a life without joy and individuality. All forces are thrown into the embodiment of a child's illusion, and she is like a bottomless abyss, always hungry and unhappily embittered, because, when thinking up to correlate a dream with reality, the child, of course, could not. Everything is bad, but there is no understanding of what is bad in comparison with that very dream.
In this dream, there is always one and the same fatal mistake, for its embodiment another person is vital, who must behave as written in the script. This is what makes a person so dependent on others.
The "trauma of rejection" creates bizarre mind games, distorting the perception of the world and other people. It is difficult for a person to realize that he is dreaming in reality, some other, alternative reality. A person wounds, suffers, is disappointed, but continues to fight against the corners of his own distorted perception, delegating responsibility for pain to other people or considering himself insufficiently sacrificing. If he accidentally finds out that he is "traumatic", then this gives him the right to less auto-aggression and blame himself, although life does not fundamentally change. The pain is the same.
Why can't a person wake up? Because he cannot give up faith in his ideal world, where all his suffering will finally be compensated for by finding what he wants. And then he will be able to exclaim: “Well, I told you, it happens! My pain hasn't been meaningless all these years."
So what is perceived as rejection over and over again, already almost an adult?
1. Refusal to merge.
Most often, it is not the desire of the other to enter the merger that is perceived as rejection. A person has unconsciously already set up a net, in order to seize power over another, he is trying with all his might to please, to be nice, and the other does not want to open his arms to him and gladly accept.
- Are you rejecting me?
- No, I want to keep the space between us.
- What for?
- So that you don't have to cancel yourself and play the role.
- You're lying, I was rejected again.
2. Refusal of admiration.
One can only admire the implemented activity, moreover, the whole thing and enthusiastically. If the other does not do this, then he rejects, since he does not give the opportunity to receive the expected joy from the perception of his deed as overvalued, and therefore himself as "non-denying."
- Don't you like the ordered restaurant?
- The restaurant is not bad, but I'm cold here.
“You always devalue what I do.
3. Refusal to instantly satisfy the arisen need.
It takes time to get what you want, that is, you need to learn to wait. If the request is not satisfied instantly, then this is perceived as a refusal and devaluation of the applicant, and therefore, as rejection.
- Kiss Me.
- A little bit later.
“You always have better things to do than me.
4. Refusal to give an answer to the question posed.
This is similar to the situation with instant gratification of a need, but I took it out separately, because many people have no right not to say what they do not want to go public. Because their interlocutor can instantly be offended. Therefore, you have to reject yourself, so that they do not reject you, because you feel rejected, if your interlocutor does not want to confess.
- How much do you earn a month?
- This question seems a little out of place to me.
- Is it really so difficult to answer.
5. Refusal to be in a relationship.
There can be many reasons for refusal, ranging from a mismatch in life values, to the similarity of another to a parent. Most often, a person is not very aware of how he looks from the outside, how he manifests himself, he wants to please with all his might, it seems to him that everything is ok with him. And it is precisely this willingness to sacrifice himself in advance that he perceives as his undeniable goodness. An intelligent other quickly recognizes manipulative behavior and an attempt to seize power in such behavior.
- Let's meet, I'll buy you coffee!
- I, unfortunately, I cannot.
- Is it difficult for you to meet me?
After a person feels rejected, he can choose several options for behavior: aggression outside or auto-aggression.
Above described the variant of "resentment", that is, aggression, which becomes the last attempt to influence another in order to get what you want. Sometimes the other cannot withstand this resentment, since he himself is afraid of rejection, and he, moreover, is forbidden to cause discontent in the interlocutor. Therefore, the other enters into a discussion, trying to explain his position, makes concessions, thereby only confirming the conviction of the “outcast” in the correctness of the chosen strategy. If the other decides to cancel himself in order to give what he wants to the rejected, then the conflict is only postponed, because the compulsion to be as it should be will grow. The dream must be realized, otherwise everything was meaningless before.
Another option for responding to imaginary rejection is auto-aggression. In all the examples given, you need to erase the third line and instead add "Gone to spread rot yourself." Moreover, auto-aggression will definitely not help a person understand the causes of the pain felt and how to change the situation the next time, realizing the errors of perception. At best, he will conclude that he should not be liked by everyone, completely ignoring his affective reaction to the alleged rejection behavior of another.
Stored memories of pain that have been compensated by a dream, attempts to fulfill which lead to repeated retraumatization.
The wheel of Samsara, you say? I call this cyclical errors of the mind.
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