Grief Overtook Me

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The death of a loved one can be called in different ways: terrible grief, great misfortune, irreparable loss, bereavement, death, end of the earthly journey, transition to another world. The essence is the same - your beloved, dear and close person is no longer around. And it takes a lot of courage, a lot of effort, time and will to simply accept this fact, the very idea of "never". The figurative meaning becomes literal, “the earth is leaving under our feet” and “we must hold on”. Many helpful articles have been written on how to deal with grief with its stages of mourning, and even the expected timing of mourning. Nevertheless, everything is very individual and everyone lives this test in their own way, gaining a sad, difficult, but unique experience.

Together with grief, a flurry of calls, letters, visits and … curiosity falls upon you. The latter is usually less and thank God! On the one hand, it really supports, the grief is “divided” into dozens of small pieces and seems to become less “swallowing”.

On the other hand, very many people simply do not know how, do not know how to support, they act from the best and good intentions, but their behavior and words of condolence can, on the contrary, oppress, remind, aggravate, annoy and even offend.

Moving away from mourning a little, I wanted to understand and analyze, track my reactions in order to understand which words and actions really give support, share feelings and respond with empathy, and which ones cause a reverse reaction.

Silence, touch, hugs, care, real help, sincere interest, necessary actions (call, go, find out, buy, write, remind, organize, stay close) are a thousand times more eloquent than the highest and most beautiful words.

Most often, people say routine phrases, such as: hold on, be strong, be strong, you need to calm down and live on, life goes on, time heals! It is difficult to find words that can comfort you at such a moment, they simply do not exist. Therefore, they say what they usually say. But a person who is on the other side of grief becomes too sensitive and vulnerable, like a bare nerve, reacts sharply and subtly feels sincerity and involvement or "duty".

Everyone already knows that the word "Calm down" has nothing to do with calmness and balance, but rather raise a counter question: how to do it? The phrase "Hold on" caused me hysterical inner laughter, and my inflamed imagination drew pictures of how a person should literally hold on to something. The advice “Try not to think about it” or “You need to get distracted” provoked strong resistance and acquired an indifferent message “Forget it”. Because memories are the only thing left. I would like to remember, reproduce, keep in memory every moment, every detail associated with the life of a loved one. And vice versa, someone's memories and stories about previously unknown facts, life stories, small details, photographs, favorite jokes, good and kind words about the deceased are perceived with warm feelings and gratitude. All this is eagerly absorbed, as if it replenishes and as if compensates for an immeasurably huge loss.

It is completely inappropriate to pretend that nothing happened, to talk to a grieving person in a cheerful and cheerful tone, to ask how are you and why is he so sad? Trying to "distract" with a funny video, song or comedy will definitely not work, at least at first, it can rather be perceived as a devaluation of your experiences.

“The grief remains in the family” - as you recovered from the shock and began to live a normal and happy life, the grieving person feels grief even more sharply. There are no more tantrums, tears and symbols of mourning, but the awareness of the irreversibility of loss and the collision with another reality becomes even stronger. It is at this time that denial leaves and the stage of despair or depression sets in. Therefore, a tactful and respectful attitude towards a person is still very important for a long time.

In one of the areas of psychology, there is the concept of "scale of emotional tones." You can metaphorically represent this scale as a ladder, where the topmost rung is called "enthusiasm or carefree existence", and the lowest is "apathy and unwillingness to live." At the top of the stairs, you will never be able to reach out and lend a helping hand to those at the very bottom. For real sympathy and empathy, you have to temporarily go down to the very bottom, take the person by the hand and slowly lead him up, overcoming step by step.