False Motherhood

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I was inspired to write this article by a book “Lilith complex. The dark side of motherhood Hines-Joachim Maaz, but above all, a growing real global problem in our society associated with narcissistic trauma, which underlies most of the problems of patients seeking psychological help. All subsequent quotes are from the above book.

"In our society, the main maternal values have practically been lost: to give life, feed, satisfy, protect - everything that is significant both for the child and for the existence of society."

Speaking about false motherhood, we are talking about the psychosocial traumatization of the child, with the outward normality of care and upbringing.

"The fatal tragedy of the phenomenon lies in the fact that parents, trying to" do everything possible "in the spirit of their time, do not pay due attention to their children, suppress them emotionally, do not understand their reactions and torment with their overestimated expectations."

The article is written against the oppressive personality of both men and women, the outdated principles of patriarchal society, the purpose of which is power, which is based on pseudo-spirituality, false “theatrical” motherhood, splitting the personality into “good” and “bad”. I want to support every woman-mother, whose personalities make exorbitant demands. The ensuing consequences are constant dissatisfaction in marital relations, traumatization of the child in the process of his development.

False motherhood is, first of all, a manifestation of the "Lilith complex". The Lilith complex includes the repressed, therefore, ugly, socially disapproved qualities of a woman:

- the sexual activity of a woman, which she uses to achieve material wealth and manipulation;

- unwillingness to have children and to admit that one's life is limited by the framework of the household, everyday life;

- a movement for emancipation, in which women demand equal rights with men.

Those. a woman with a Lilith complex can choose one of two extremes. She will either manifest "child free" (ardent refusal to have children), or demonstrate an exaggerated all-encompassing love for children, with the refusal of any other realization.

Christianity divided the image of a woman into Saint Eve and demonic Lilith. The manifestation of Lilith is due to the ban on the natural right of a woman to feel dissatisfaction in family life, longing for the old days, when she was a teenager, an unmarried girl.

I remember a sad lyric poem from the Internet, by Tanya Grigorieva:

“The lady checked in the luggage:

Youth, Freedom

Courage, Lipstick, Lambada, Skirt

And grandma's moonshine.

In the registry office, all the lady congratulated

And she was stamped in her passport.

And new baggage was given to her:

For life with a loved one

Hut, Four charlotte recipes

And a small frying pan."

Yes, growing up, choosing family and motherhood, a woman accepts the restrictions of freedom associated with the new status. But why is she not allowed without condemnation, even to want this freedom? Why is anger and irritation associated with the discomfort of the big abdomen during pregnancy, lack of sleep when the baby was born, sadness over a mini skirt banned? Why SHOULD she rejoice at giving up her freedom and independence?

What are the consequences of the Lilith complex?

The right of women to strength, freedom and pleasure is not recognized by society, while humility, chastity, and care are encouraged, which are part of the collective image of “Eve”. But, each "Eve" has its own repressed "Lilith". With the external obedience and chastity of Eve, Lilith will manifest herself in passive aggression: resentment, high expectations from others, devaluation, rejection and imposition of guilt.

What false motherhood “does” with a child and how healing occurs is described in the book “Words that heal” by Marie Cardinal. The heroine of the novel is a young woman who spent 30 years of her life, and also almost lost her life in order to earn the love of her mother. It took her 7 years of psychotherapy to heal her maternal trauma.

It is impossible to do and not be wrong.

It is impossible to make difficult decisions and not be guilty before someone.

Growing up is, among other things, the acceptance of these things, as well as the ability to process feelings of guilt, shame, fear.

"Lilith" unwittingly passes on to her child a hostile emotionally unrefined aspect in relation to children. The child, in turn, intuitively capturing the mother's attitude towards him, will by his behavior provoke his own weaknesses and limitations (irritation and uncertainty) that are not accepted by the mother, while at the same time he will feel burdensome and annoying. He will experience an unconscious feeling of guilt for the mother's condition. “Lilith” sees in her child only an object of upbringing, which must be taught to order, discipline and control over her emotions by suppressing them. Teaches you to be comfortable and submissive.

Later, these are patients with problematic identity, impaired self-esteem and a leading state of fear, which are symptoms of early structural personality pathology. In therapy, such patients describe the image of the mother as demanding, sucking out all the juices, believing that the child completely belongs to her and exists to satisfy her needs.

In a relationship in a pair "Eve" with a complex, Lilith will take a subordinate position, tormenting her companion with her unfulfilled aspirations, expecting the satisfaction of her early needs and feeling hatred of the man because of her dissatisfaction.

What happens to a man with a Lilith complex? This is the formed, first of all, the image of "Adam" who feels the given to him, but in no way deserved superiority over the woman, which he uses in order to feel his power and strength. He needs an "Eve" made from his rib that disowned herself to be tolerated in a relationship.

“Through money, power and a claim to authority, he tries to hide his identity problem. He puts on airs and tries to create relationships with men and women in which he could dominate and control. He considers tenderness and a passion based on trust to be dangerous for himself, so he avoids them."

In a pair of "Eve" and "Adam" rivals who compete with each other, proving that it is his needs that the other should satisfy. It is he who is more in need of care, tenderness, affection, care. Typically, this struggle lasts until both have exhausted themselves in the struggle for attention, the recognition of the possibility of being accepted. Then rage and frustration come to the fore, which are actually directed at the parents who created these deficiencies in the child in childhood.

“No man can become a man with Eve. No woman becomes a woman with "Adam." "Adam" and "Eve" create from their Lilith complex an unbearable life together, poisoning it with growing disappointment in each other and, thus, increasing the completely preventable suffering of their children. As a result, "Adam" becomes a warrior, and "Eve" becomes a witch."

The Lilith complex makes mothers deceitful and hypocritical, denying true human feelings and natural states of anger, fatigue, irritation. Pretending to be martyrs, ready to sacrifice their lives on the altar of motherhood and family. Demonstrating a manifestation of more love than they can actually give.

The way out of this state of affairs for a man and for a woman goes through mourning their lack of a mother, over and over again. Through the awareness of their unconscious identification with the parent. Through painful cutting of the umbilical cord

Recognize the reality in which the past cannot be remade, corrected, as well as the fact that it is impossible to satisfy the unconscious longing for the mother with a hedonistic lifestyle, becoming a voracious consumer of everything that modern marketing offers

Learn to endure and process the pain that rises over and over again from what was not received in childhood. From what we were deprived of and what consequences of this we are now forced to put up with

Be prepared for the pain to burst out, awakened by memories, pictures of happy or unhappy children, with envy of the success of others

A man who has integrated Lilith will see in his woman not a mother, but an equal partner who will complement his life with creativity, challenge, activity. Such a man will not need to seek, humiliate, argue. He is able not only to endure loneliness, but also to enjoy it.

Drawing attention to this large-scale problem of our society is the first step towards changing the situation, but, unfortunately, already in the future. If we now set new guidelines for true motherhood, or rather return to their true healthy sources, where a woman who integrates Lilith in herself, and therefore understands herself and accepts her limitations, will want a man for herself - a partner whose otherness will be accepted as an addition to self. Their relationship will be built on an equal footing.

In motherhood, knowing her childhood deficits, she will be ready for the inevitable discomfort and will be able to adequately express her pain due to the recurring feelings of rejection towards the child, fear, hatred in some situations. Realizing that this is primarily her problem. Realizing that it is quite natural for the child to react to her condition with indignation and anxiety. This means that our children, growing up, will create healthier families, give birth to healthy children who will live good, happy, fulfilling lives. By working through our injuries, we give our children and grandchildren a chance to be happier. By caring for and healing our inner child, we get the opportunity to improve our relationships with the people around us.

“Admitted truth will never have devastating consequences. False love and hidden position will cause conflict, disease and violence."

Natalia Shcherbakova, psychologist.

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