Multi-layered Trauma

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A couple of days ago, I didn’t shake like a child. And despite the tremendous amount of personal therapy and supervision that is a prerequisite for the practitioner, I realized that the underlying trauma was still there. We either dug it badly, or dug it not, or, having dug it up, forgot to bury it properly.

You see, no matter what they say to you in therapy about your individuality, we are all guided by certain algorithms in our work. That is why memes about toxic parents, attachment theories, abusers and self-esteem are circulating on the Internet. At the first meeting (depending on the modality of such meetings, there may be several), the psychologist conducts diagnostics by "palpating" the client. And of course, we do not poke at random, but start with the most typical problem areas. And here lies the danger for both young specialists and experienced psychologists: having immediately felt one injury, they stop looking.

It is categorically impossible to do this, but I really want to. Because, firstly, it flatters us (colleagues, they will not deny the obvious) - "I am so cool that I immediately found where and why it hurts." Secondly, we are afraid to injure the client by opening more than one "boil" at a time. Actually, these are basic safety rules. Only painful shock was not enough for us. Thirdly, often the client is so painful and scared that he falls deeply into the groped trauma, and the specialist throws all his strength into “pulling” him out of the swamp. And in the future, he stupidly forgets that he did not research everything and not everywhere (notes, colleagues, a great thing - do not neglect). Well, and the fourth, but not the last reason, the client "jumps off" before the therapist gets to other pain points. Therefore, many superficially investigated injuries are hastily sealed with a plaster, leaving the true cause of the pain to rot deep inside. And the first time the client is good. But do not doubt that sooner or later the deep trauma will remind of itself - and with such force that the process of retraumatization (re-injury) will not leave a stone unturned from previous therapy.

One of the most common injuries for girls is an absent or unavailable father. There can be many options - he died, left, left his mother, did not communicate with the children after the divorce, communicated, but rarely, wanted, but did not let them in, let them in, but did not want to, loved madly, did not love at all, well, the absolute bottom of the type of drank -beat-molested. The bottom line is that any of these types of trauma does not go unnoticed for a girl (for a boy, too, but this is not about them). And as a result, the girl is looking for her father all her life - for various reasons: to say that she needs him, to give him in the face, to take revenge, to love, to forgive, to look into the eyes - the list is truly endless. And since the girl rarely finds a real father, she transfers her emotions to other men in her life. If you're lucky, your partner. If you're unlucky - for a child. If you are not at all lucky - on a life scenario. (By the way, there is still an equally harsh scenario of resentment against the mother - as the culprit of what happened, but more on that next time).

And what does the therapist see when he hears that the girl does not have a father? He rubs his hands gleefully and ticks the box. Because this is a very convenient explanation, which fits almost everything that the therapist wants to fit into it - relationships with older men, polyamory, inability to build serious long-term relationships, difficulties with communication in a couple, problems with trust. Well, think for yourself - a woman comes to therapy (no matter with what request), you ask her about her parents, and then such a gift of fate - everything on a silver platter: clear, understandable, standard. Unfortunately, a huge number of specialists will work with obvious trauma without even thinking to dig deeper and see what happens next.

In my case, the first couple of psychologists didn't even bother to look further, let alone dig something there. Everything I talked about fit comfortably into the already existing explanation of the “absent father”. Believe it or not, no one asked me if my stepfather later appeared in my life, or, perhaps, another significant adult appeared (spoiler - both appeared). No one asked if I even remember my biological father well enough to be traumatized by his absence. I was not even asked what age I was when he "disappeared" (spoiler - died). Well, you get the idea. I say this not to dance on the bones of incompetent "specialists", but often to illustrate - a real case, so to speak.

So what about the little lost girl in the body of a woman? And the girl, of course, subconsciously continues to look for her father. And when he finds him, for example, in a partner, he begins to accept and evaluate himself exclusively through the prism of these relations. She plays out a script that has formed in her own head over the years. Alternatively, he may start to be capricious, demand proof of unconditional love, refuse to make decisions and take responsibility for his own actions, and sometimes just take revenge for past traumas (most often unconsciously). And there is another side of the coin. After all, what needs to be done so that this time the "father" does not leave? That's right, control everything. Including myself. If you are flawless, ideal, correct - then this time "he" will remain. Right? Wrong. Because although the scenarios may be different, there is one common factor in them - the man assigned to the role of the father's figure does not at all know what is expected of him.

And sooner or later, a second injury occurs in the injury. This is the betrayal of the "second father". Most of these scenarios end in rupture. Or, in the worst case, a long exhausting codependent relationship with elements of violence. And what does a person who has been "dumped" twice feel? Moreover, both times - both in childhood and in marriage - he behaved ideally (by the way, this is an initially incorrect message in a relationship, because in such a picture of the world there is a priori no place for a second person). Quite right, the girl begins to suspect that it is she who is to blame for everything.

Here is your third trauma - a collapse of self-esteem and a complete loss of orientation. A person who has already assessed himself through the prism of what is happening is convinced that the root of evil is in himself. Why do you think women from single parent families or families with toxic parents are so easily targeted by abusers? Yes, because in any case, they are completely fixated on themselves - on their responsibility to what is happening, control, impeccability and the everlasting need for love, which is intensely suppressed. It only seems from the outside that in front of you is a strong, successful independent woman, tightly buttoned up. In fact, a little frightened girl is hiding inside, more than anything in the world in need of love and safety. There is no greater pain than the realization that there is no one else to take care of you. While this is true, there is a long way to go before accepting this fact - preferably through personal therapy.