2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Can I?
Can I get up from the table and silently leave if a loved one jokes painfully in my direction in front of everyone? Not thinking how he is there, but thinking how I am here. Leave, having trampled all decency, norms, dishes, napkins with cutlery. To leave the noisy company in the dark, because I am not comfortable there, and this is the most important thing for me in the present. To act absurd and impolite, and then breathe in the frosty, fresh air on the street and walk into nowhere, although one could endure it once again. And it would be clear how the evening and life will turn out, and now there is uncertainty ahead.
Can.
Can I be inconsistent and illogical, if on Monday we planned one thing, and on Sunday it became so unpleasant that I lost the meaning of doing something together. Can I suddenly feel indifference instead of tenderness and admiration, betraying my illusions about strength? Can I afford to fall into sadness without trying to "cheer up" an unpleasant sensation right now? Can I look this feeling in the eye and ask why I need it? And allow yourself to hear a bitter answer that will force you to make another, difficult choice.
Can.
Can I not call those who, it would seem, need, but don't want to. Painful conversations as obligatory. I can and I don’t call.
Can I talk about my feelings if I really want to share them, and there seems to be no one hung up a sign "I will listen." I can try at least. Can I open up, get confused in return and accept it?
Can.
Can I wait, try, trust? Go where my feet go and not where the road is paved? Can.
Can I survive the chill and ringing of loneliness turned into anxiety-ridden insomnia? May I assume that this may be so often and agree to it?
Can.
Can I act in this situation as I want, and not as "all normal people do"? Can I accept myself without excuses or shame? Simply because I already exist and the theorem of my value was proved at the moment of my emergence. Can I stop doubting the correctness of this obvious fact without trying to get more out of life than it gives at the moment? Life does not have to prove to me my own worth. They gave me everything a long time ago. May I take?
Can.
Can I continue to be surprised at life every day, and notice the change in my states without trying to stay in any of them? Be grateful for the fact that I have pajamas, a bed and I am in it all.
Can.
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