DEPENDENCE. O. A. Shorokhova

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The term "codependency" appeared as a result of studying the nature of chemical dependencies, their effect on humans and the effect that the disease of a chemically dependent person has on others. For example, an alcoholic is dependent on alcohol, or a drug addict is dependent on drugs, a player is dependent on a casino, and their loved ones depend on the alcoholic, drug addict or gambler himself. On the one hand, this is just a general phrase, we all depend on each other in different ways. But codependency is different from other addictions and has characteristics and traits that are painful. Painful, because we are dependent on a sick person and, as it were, become infected with his disease

But infection with this disease, like any other, does not occur immediately, and for each person - due to his character, personal characteristics, lifestyle, life experience, past events, infection and the course of the disease occurs in a specific, only one inherent way. American scientists, who have been dealing with this problem for many years, have come to the conclusion that people who have had a so-called "difficult" childhood, people from dysfunctional families where one of the parents was absent or parents suffered from alcoholism, where children were subjected to violence, people with childhood traumas received not only in the family, but also at school, on the street, from peers, teachers or other significant adults. This also includes victims of sexual, physical, emotional, sectarian violence, themselves chemically addicted to alcohol, drugs, drugs, etc.

So, what is codependency from the point of view of foreign authors? Who can be considered codependent? Broadly, the term codependency is used to refer to spouses, partners, children and adult children of alcoholics or drug addicts, alcoholics or drug addicts themselves, who almost certainly grew up and developed in a dysfunctional family. Any person living in a dysfunctional family with unhealthy rules that fosters a codependent relationship can be considered codependent.

Codependency is a current painful condition that is largely the result of adapting to a family problem. Initially, it is a means of protection or a way of survival of a given person in unfavorable family circumstances, a kind of fixed reaction to the stress of drug addiction or alcoholism of a loved one, which eventually becomes a way of life. According to Sharon Wegsheider Cruz, codependency is a specific condition characterized by intense preoccupation and preoccupation, as well as extreme dependence (emotional, social, and sometimes physical) on a person or object. Ultimately, this dependence on another person becomes a pathological condition that affects the codependent in all other relationships.

This state of codependency is characterized by:

1) delusion, denial, self-deception;

2) compulsive actions (unconscious irrational behavior that a person may regret, but still acts, as if driven by an invisible inner force);

3) frozen feelings;

4) low self-esteem;

5) health disorders associated with stress.

According to Melody Beatty, one of the most famous specialists in codependency, “a codependent is a person who has allowed the behavior of another person to affect him, and is completely absorbed in controlling the actions of this person (the other person can be a child, an adult, a lover, spouse, dad, mom, sister, best friend, grandmother or grandfather, client, he can be an alcoholic, drug addict, mentally or physically sick; a normal person who periodically experiences feelings of sadness) . It is important to understand here that the problem is not in the other person, but in ourselves, in the fact that we allowed the behavior of another person to influence us, and we also try to influence the other person.

Therefore, all codependent people have similar intrapsychic symptoms, such as control, pressure, obsessions and thoughts, low self-esteem, self-loathing, guilt feelings, suppressed anger, uncontrolled aggression, compulsive help, focus on others, ignoring their needs, communication problems, isolation, tearfulness, apathy, problems in intimate life, depressive behavior, suicidal thoughts, psychosomatic disorders.

There are many different definitions, but already from these it becomes clear that a codependent person is not free in his feelings, thoughts and behavior, he seems to be deprived of the right to choose what to feel, how to think and how to act. He seems to be "tied hand and foot." He constantly thinks "he came - he didn't come", "he'll get home - he won't get there", "he stole - he didn't steal", "he sold - he didn't sell", "he spent - didn't spend", etc.

What motivates people with codependency, and what are the features of their behavior?

The psychotherapist V. Moskalenko, who has extensive experience working with codependent people, writes that “low self-esteem is the main characteristic of codependency, on which all others are based. This implies such a feature of codependents as an outward orientation. Codependents are completely dependent on external assessments, from relationships with others, although they have little idea of how others should treat them. Due to low self-esteem, codependents can constantly criticize themselves, but do not tolerate when others do it, in this case they become self-confident, indignant, angry. accepting compliments and praise properly may even increase their feelings of guilt, but at the same time, their mood may deteriorate due to the lack of such a powerful boost as praise. feeling guilty about spending money on themselves and indulging themselves in entertainment. They may not do the right thing for fear of making a mistake. In their minds and expressions, the words “I must”, “you must”, “how should I behave with my husband, with my son?” Prevail.

According to experts, codependency is a mirror image of addiction, since the same symptoms are observed as described above. The phenomenon of codependency is no less insidious and destructive for loved ones than chemical or other dependence in their loved one. A codependent person is one who is completely absorbed in an irresistible desire to control the behavior of another person and does not care at all about satisfying his own vital needs. When asked by a psychologist to tell about her own health, the mother of a drug addict or alcoholic again and again gives examples of the ugly behavior of her son or husband.

It is as if she herself does not exist, “she does not know about herself,” she cannot describe her feelings, sensations, her thoughts revolve only around one problem, drug addiction and alcoholism, making it impossible to switch to something else. a wife sees that her son or husband does not control her behavior, she tries to do it for him. The desire to keep her son from drugs and her husband from alcohol becomes the main goal and meaning of her life, but trying to control them, she ceases to control herself.

According to observations, codependent relatives, as a rule, show symptoms characteristic of alcoholics and drug addicts: frequent headaches, depression, gastric ulcer and duodenal ulcer, diseases of the cardiovascular system. The only exception is that codependency does not lead to liver cirrhosis.

What do codependents have in common? How are they similar?

Codependents are similar to a constant desire to control the lives of those close to them, chemically dependent people. They are confident that they know best how everyone in the family should behave, do not allow others to show their individuality and events go their own way. The more difficult the situation at home becomes, the more control it becomes on their part. It is important for them to "seem, not to be", that is, they try to impress others and are mistaken, believing that other people see only what the "controller" presents them. To strengthen control, they use threats, advice, persuasion, coercion, pressure, persuasion, thereby aggravating the helpless state of their relatives even longer "the son still does not understand anything in life," "my husband will disappear without me," they say.

They are similar to the desire to save others, to take care of others, transcending reasonable limits and regardless of the desires of other people. “I am saving my son,” “I want to save my husband,” they justify themselves. More often than others, this position is taken by representatives of professions whose purpose is to help people: teachers, health workers, psychologists, educators, etc. They are convinced that they are responsible for the well-being and fate of a loved one, for their feelings, thoughts, behavior, for their desires and choices. Taking responsibility for others, they remain completely irresponsible to themselves, to how they rest, what they eat, how they look, how long they sleep, and do not care about their health. An attempt to save never succeeds, but on the contrary - only contributes to the continuation and aggravation of alcoholism and drug addiction in a person close to them.

Saving another, codependent people cease to understand and realize their actions. They say yes when they would like to say no. They treat their loved ones like little children, doing for them what they can do for themselves, and ignore their protests. They are not interested in the desires of those close to them; trying to cope with the problems of another person, they think for him, make decisions, believing that they can control the thoughts and feelings of this person and even his whole life. They take on all the responsibilities of the house, give more than they receive in return. All this makes it possible for codependents to constantly feel their significance, need and irreplaceability, thereby further emphasizing the helplessness and incapacity of a chemically dependent person. They do this unconsciously, protecting themselves, their mental pain, their tormenting feelings. It is easier for them to save someone by being distracted outside than to suffer from unresolved problems around and within themselves. They don't say, "It's a pity you have such a problem. Is there anything I can help you with?" They believe that they have to solve this problem for another and say: "I am there. I will do it for you." Thus, codependents themselves exacerbate their already difficult situation as a victim, which leads to an excessive role of a rescuer.

A way out of this situation is possible only through a conscious renunciation of this role. And if someone needs to be saved, then one must start, rather, with oneself. All codependent people experience approximately the same feelings: fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, suppressed anger, turning into rage. Codependents live driven by fear. Fear for the future, fear for the present, fear of loss, abandonment and uselessness, fear of losing control over oneself and one's emotions, over life, fear of colliding with reality. Fear fetters the body, freezes feelings, leads to inaction and … frustration, deprives of freedom of choice. The world of a codependent person is uncertain, unclear, full of negative premonitions, anxious expectations, pessimistic thoughts. This world is devoid of joy and optimism, it puts pressure on the codependent with a mass of insoluble problems.

In such circumstances, fearing to face the truth, codependents struggle to maintain the illusion of a world they have built and hold, further strengthening their control inside and outside themselves. They constantly control their feelings, fearing that they would break out. By preventing negative feelings from manifesting, they gradually stop experiencing positive feelings. First, a kind of emotional pain relief occurs, since feelings cause unbearable pain, and then emotional dullness, when a person gradually loses both the ability to rejoice and smile, and the ability to show mental pain and suffering. Such people, as it were, cease to feel themselves, having submitted themselves to the constant satisfaction of the desires of others, they believe that they have no right to rejoice: when there is such a misfortune, such grief in a family, it is not up to joy. They think that they have no right to show anger towards their loved ones, but are obliged to be caring, kind and loving mothers and wives, since their loved one is a sick person, not realizing that this disease has seized them too. In this case, suppressed anger can be transformed into self-confidence, this happens on a subconscious level. Suppressed anger does not lead to relief; on the contrary, it aggravates the painful condition. The fear of losing a loved one is often hidden behind attempts to suppress negative emotions. In this regard, codependents can constantly get sick, cry a lot, take revenge, show violence and hostility. They think that they have been "pissed off", forced to get angry, and therefore they are punishing other people for it. Guilt and shame are mixed in their state and often replace each other. They are ashamed of the behavior of another person, and of their own incontinence, in order to hide the "shame of the family", they become unsociable, stop visiting and receiving people, isolate themselves from communicating with neighbors, employees at work, and relatives. Deep down, they hate and despise themselves for cowardice, indecision, helplessness, etc. But outwardly, this manifests itself as arrogance and superiority over others, resulting from the transformation of shame and other intense negative feelings suppressed in themselves.

Codependent people are alike in denying and repressing the problem. They pretend that nothing terrible is happening, as if persuading themselves: "Tomorrow, perhaps, everything will work out by itself, he will take up his mind, pull himself together and quit using drugs (alcohol)." In order not to think about the main problem, codependents constantly find themselves some things to do, believe in lies, deceive themselves. They only hear what they want to hear and see only what they want to see. Denial and repression help them live in a world of illusion, because the truth of life is simply unbearable for them. Denial promotes self-deception, and self-deception is destructive, it is a form of spiritual degradation, the loss of moral principles. Codependents constantly deny that they have painful signs of codependency. Denial makes it difficult to ask for help from people, to turn to specialists, delays and aggravates chemical dependence in a loved one, allows codependency to progress, aggravating personal and family problems.

Codependent people are similar in their illnesses caused by prolonged stress. These are primarily psychosomatic diseases, gastritis, stomach and duodenal ulcers, headaches, colitis, hypertension, neurocircular dystonia, asthma, tachycardia, arrhythmia, hypertension, hypotension, etc. They get sick from trying to control someone's life, then there is something that cannot be controlled. They become workaholics, neat and clean. They spend a lot not to live, but to survive, hence various psychosomatic disorders appear, which indicates the progression of codependency.

According to the doctor V. Moskalenko, "neglected codependency can lead to death due to psychosomatic illness, inattention to one's health, ignorance of one's own needs." Thus, although the manifestations of codependency are quite diverse, people suffering from these diseases have a lot in common. This applies to all aspects of human life, human mental activity, behavior, worldview, upbringing, belief systems and life values, as well as physical health.