2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There is a hackneyed phrase "all problems from childhood."
Based on psychological language, in this case, we are talking about developmental trauma.
Developmental trauma is based on chronic dysfunctional relationships within the family. To better cope with unfavorable living conditions, the child creates characteristic psychological defenses that help him to survive in them.
It is the living conditions, the specifics of the emerging relations with the first significant objects, the characteristics and methods of communication in the family that form the character, consolidate the habitual ways of behavior and reactions that a person uses all his life, as a result of adaptation and adaptation to these conditions.
The so-called shock trauma - physical or sexual abuse, an accident, the death of a loved one and similar unforeseen situations - is experienced much more acutely, may have more intense symptoms (depression, emotional limitation, fears, phobias, mental disorders).
These types of psychological trauma and reactions to them can be compared with the impact of a traumatic object on the body: severe intense pain, unbearably loud sound, light - activates the reactions of the nervous system, mobilizes all the body's resources for an instant reaction aimed at getting rid of this irritant - to jump back, pull back hand from boiling water, get ready to run away or attack. All activity and resources are spent on overcoming the situation, there is an opportunity to cope with it.
Not so intense, tolerant, but long-term and systematic impact - makes you adapt to it. For example, to reduce sensitivity to an irritated stimulus, to stop noticing discomfort. Stop getting injured by "building up" the callus on the delicate skin. Adapt to adverse conditions in order to survive.
So, more often than not, people come to the psychologist's office, bringing with them "tools of their survival" in the form of symptoms that have become traits of his personality, character, and which they do not associate with the history of their development.
It will be about developmental trauma, or rather, in what client requests we are looking for its origins.
I will try to describe the reasons and conditions in which this or that problem was formed.
It is worth noting here separately the fact that the same conditions DO NOT ALWAYS form a certain symptom or character traits. As the saying goes: "Every drunk driver is a criminal, but not every criminal is a driver."
In each case, there are INDIVIDUAL FACTORS: peculiarities of the nervous system, age, resources of the client and his family system, which determine the intensity and stability of symptoms. And, nevertheless, the similarity of life contexts in the stories of clients with similar requests allows us to see certain patterns.
So, common query # 1
Self-esteem problem:
- attitude to yourself, your own appearance
- abilities, talents
-belief in yourself and your strength
-recognition of one's own value.
Collective image of the client:
A person is not able to positively assess their skills, achievements, goals. A sense of self-worth, uniqueness has not been formed. Devaluates himself and achievements, is not able to appropriate them, ascribe to himself, is always not good enough. The question of his strengths, merits, baffles, answers that they are not.
Very dependent on someone else's opinion, self-assessment. Attitude towards oneself is determined not by personal opinion, but by the assessment of oneself by others. Therefore, he is not guided by himself, his own desires, not sensitive to his own needs. A lot of effort and resources is spent on seeking the approval of others.
I don't like myself. It is very difficult to accept compliments in your address. He does not give himself the right to make a mistake, since at the slightest "misfire" he spreads rot, scolds and blames himself. Not able to support and motivate himself. This factor reduces initiative and activity - the motivation of activity is aimed at avoiding failure. As a result, he is passive, afraid of undertakings and changes.
In a relationship, constant feelings of unworthiness for a partner, doubts about attractiveness for the opposite sex
Own attitude towards himself requires confirmation, therefore such a client unconsciously chooses for himself such interaction partners, "reflecting" from which he is affirmed in his own attitude towards himself, reinforcing low self-worth.
Symptoms of low self-esteem are manifested by perfectionism, an increased need for attention, manipulativeness, inability to defend one's rights, say no, conciliation, and conformity. They are accompanied by the habit of complaining about their life, circumstances, their bad luck. All this has a very negative effect on the quality of relationships in the client's life and life in general.
The client's childhood, the reasons for the formation of the symptom:
Human self-esteem is shaped by and depends on the quality of early object relationships in childhood. Parents are a mirror for the child, reflecting in which he draws information about himself - Who am I? What am I? What is worthy? What can I? The child forms an attitude towards himself, through the prism of evaluation and attitude towards himself of significant adults.
In fact, the client has introjected the attitude of the surrounding environment towards him. The developed ways of reactions and behavior in response to such an attitude towards oneself are fixed, they really become character traits, confirm and affirm this status.
Living conditions, features of upbringing and early relationships:
- Emotional coldness in a family where it is not customary to hug, kiss, praise each other, talk about your good feelings, share emotions. As a result, the child does not have the resources and tools to form knowledge about himself as “good”, “beloved”, “unique”.
-Systematic comparison of the child: with other children, with siblings (brother / sister) who have any achievements, with themselves at this age. The child is always compared with a certain "standard". To which he never reaches, because, despite the fact that parents give messages reflecting the conditions of their parental love, in fact, parents are simply not able to accept him ANYONE, regardless of efforts and achievements.
- Too high level of claims of parents, inadequate to the real capabilities of the child: the child is urged on, drilled, forced to exert excessive efforts, where he does not have abilities and talents. Constant criticism, exactingness, the child is not given the right to make a mistake, any mistakes and failures cause a super-emotional reaction, in contrast to real achievements, when “I did better today than yesterday” - they are simply not noticed. Getting used to criticism and devaluation, perceiving them as the norm, the child does not expect a positive attitude towards himself from others. Strengthening his own perception of himself as a failure, he tries not to "stick out", not to show himself, not to declare himself.
- A too high level of responsibility is imposed on the child, with which he, due to his age, is not able to cope. For example, for the actions and safety of younger children in the family, caring for an old or sick family member, for the reactions of an alcoholic father. The constant fear of not coping, doing something wrong, with full confidence that you have to is unbearable for the child's psyche, leads to emotional constraint: "If I have to, but I cannot cope, something is wrong with me!"
- Non-compliance with parental expectations as a result of chronic, congenital diseases, disappointment with the child's appearance, dissatisfaction with his weight, figure, dissimilarity to himself, inevitably lead to their demonstration of their rejection. Both in direct verbal ways and indirect, hidden, non-verbal messages.
It should also be said here that an overestimated self-esteem is a continuation of an underestimated one. Having different symptoms, they are a manifestation of the same psychological problem. They have the same prerequisites and are accompanied by similar emotional experiences. They have one reason - the inability to assess themselves adequately.
One of the main therapeutic challenges in dealing with this request is to give the client a “different mirror”. "Reflection" of him to others, real, with the right to make mistakes and imperfections. The client gets an experience of acceptance without fear of rejection. As a result of working with a psychologist, he gets the opportunity to introject a different attitude towards himself. Particular attention is paid to finding resources, key competencies, strengths, their recognition and acceptance.
In the next article, I will consider a request regarding a relationship with the opposite sex.
If you think that you are worthy and can live better, feel discomfort and dissatisfaction in important areas of life - contact a specialist! After all, stopping thinking, enduring and starting to do is the first essential and most important step in the chain of positive changes!
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