Other Shores: New Meanings

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“All my life I have been indecisive. Clever, independent, did not cause any trouble or inconvenience to anyone. But very insecure. I always had to be put in some conditions, frameworks, forms of existence.

I was born and raised in Altai. My parents themselves are not from there, they were brought to Altai by chance, by distribution. There I went to school, the grades were excellent. Everyone told me that I had to go to Moscow State University. So I came to Moscow, passed the exams at the Faculty of Sociology. I got a job in a hostel. Everything was going well.

A few months later I met a serious man, older than me. Creative, from a good family, making good money. He chose me! It was so amazing. On his offer to move to him, I answered with consent. And I didn’t cross my conscience. I thought I was really in love with him. I really felt very good with him, calmly, reliably. No money or housing problems.

But, towards the end of the university, I felt more and more sharply that I did not correspond to him. As if I shrink in his presence, and when his friends from the art world gather around - artists, writers, musicians … I also studied music, also drew - but for some reason I hid all my skills deep in myself.

I was afraid to show them, I was afraid to “do not correspond”. Who am I when there are so interesting people around me ?! I closed myself off from him, although this relationship was very dear to me.

One day I packed my things, calmly talked with my ex-lover and left. We continued to communicate and make friends. I understood that I had made the right decision. Strange, but no worries or scandals on his part followed. Rather, he was at a loss …

After a while, I had other men. Famous artist. He also offered to move in with him. And again there was no doubt in my soul. Someone has appeared again, ready to take responsibility for me! I studied (got a second degree) and worked. But again it seemed to me that I could not realize myself - although, in appearance, I had a lot of achievements. Success came, my works were published, I was often invited to professional conferences.

And one day I was offered to apply for a grant for postgraduate studies in one of the European countries. I was still very insecure. But all the same, she responsibly reacted to the task. I did the research, painstakingly worked everything out, meticulously prepared, applied and … received an invitation to study in Paris!

It was a salvation for me. After all, it was already clear that the matter was in me, and not in the men next to me. They were reliable, decent, tactful, generous, intelligent. But I felt my "inadequacy" all the time. Constantly being in the world of creative people, I stifled, ruined creativity in myself.

I settled well in Paris. I came across an excellent supervisor who knew how to clearly set a problem and give feedback. Strange, isn't it? I have such luck in life - meeting good people all the time. But such a life is like an undeveloped film: dreams and hopes about one thing, but in reality everything is completely different. Back in Moscow, at some stage, I realized that I was afraid to live, I was afraid to feel, I was afraid to "turn on" - or rather, turning on requires from me enormous expenditures of energy, suffering, and inhuman efforts. I wanted and was afraid of it. She wanted love - but ran away from her into a reliable parent-child relationship.

You know, I am writing a work in French and English. I often go to seminars all over Europe - everything is close there. I realized one thing: no matter how well you know the language, different conceptual meanings are embedded in certain language formulas in different countries and cultures. Most likely, I ran away from emotionally sensual meanings - and switched exclusively to informational meanings. For example, the word "road" in the Russian sense includes development, and movement, and bumps, and descents with ascents, and fellow travelers - see how many are stuck on? And in French, I diligently pronounce the word "road" in order to simply designate a certain segment that must be driven between two points. I fled to Europe in order to completely lock up my feelings …"

Before me is a beautiful, surprising, discreet beauty, touching, very intelligent and noble young woman in her ability to express herself. She came to me because of the feeling of panic that arose in her, while passing through Moscow. She feels bad, her eyes are wandering and she says that she has lost control.

“In Paris, European communication fell on me - interesting, tolerant, accepting. I tried to communicate not only with my compatriots, but also with people from different countries. I liked to be involved through people in their culture, emotions, self-expression. And then love fell on me!

It was SHE. A future actress who trained at one of the theater schools in Paris. An unusually bright, creative person. At first I did not understand at all what was happening to me. I have never had any experience of intimacy with a woman. The initiative belonged to her …

Our relationship lasted for several months. She left me. Abruptly, unexpectedly. No, she did not refuse to meet with me after everything that happened. She led long conversations, explaining that, as a creative person, she "must be in love all the time." Love is her "fuel", her fuse, this state allows her to soar.

And I already looked at the world differently. I was rejected. I had no experience of rejection at all! I always left on my own, delicately warning my partner. And, to be honest, it seems to me that my men themselves were waiting for me to leave. Indeed, in both cases there was no "spark" between us, the fire of love. There was understanding, calmness, acceptance, but there was not that … the most important thing. And so I constantly felt frozen. And here they froze me - and put me in the refrigerator again! With the verdict that I cannot be "fuel" …"

- Tell me what you want, Alena?

- I want to get rid of this state. I want to understand everything. Surprisingly, in Moscow I met my first man who remains my friend. He listened to me very calmly, supported me and, by the way, recommended to come to you. But, you know, I flew to the conference, literally a few days later. And you also need to go to your parents: they have moved and now live in the Tver region, bought a house there with a plot.

- Do your parents know about what happened to you? About your breakup?

- No. They do not know. You see, for them I am the light in the window. As a visiting card of the family. They are proud of me. I cannot load them with this. They will suffer, and I will have to think not only about myself, but also about them.

- Because of what they will suffer? Because their daughter was left alone? Or because your daughter had a relationship with a girl?

- I think the second. They won't be able to accept it. Therefore, it is doubly difficult for me: it is bad for me, and it is impossible to rely on the support of my relatives.

- Alena, answer this question: do you consider the experience with this girl just an "experiment" and will you return to heterosexual relationships? Or did he greatly disturb you? And for you, the topic of orientation now sounds different?

- It scares me too. I would really like it to remain just an experience that I will forget about. But at the same time, in this "experiment" I sensually opened up. I am afraid of losing my mentality, those parenting positions that my parents have been working on for so long. I do not give myself rest. Perhaps all those feelings in me that have not found a way out for years are now banging against the locked door and do not allow me to live as before …

- Let's start talking about them! Let's start releasing them and try not to evaluate ourselves, but to accept everything that happens as a fact.

Further, our consultations moved to the plane of communication via Skype. Alena felt better when she began to talk about what had happened and her emotions and feelings. And she stopped looking at herself with the eyes of her mother, frozen in mute horror and the condemning eyes of her father, who, by the way, called Europe "Gayrope."

There is such a method of psychotherapy: if the problem is too painful for the client, it is better not to press on it. Instead, they work with "neighboring topics" around a sore point. This method was perfect for my client. After all, Alena was smart, well versed in the topic, and she just needed time to accept what happened, without condemnation, without internal pressure, without cliches, with the possibility of a conscious choice.

We talked about her freedom of self-expression in creativity, about the ability to navigate in human relationships, about life position, spontaneity, about interests, about the people around, about social problems, about employment …

Each time Alena confessed to me that she felt better. She still had panic "kickbacks", but overall her condition stabilized. Moreover, the girl began to feel differently, began to understand herself deeper, her body and her desires.

After some time, Alena decided to change the role of a wanderer living in a hostel for the existence of a city dweller. She rented an apartment with a French girl, a musician. The neighbor turned out to be a very interesting, extraordinary person, with a wide circle of friends and good company. Her many friends from the world of music often held jam sessions in their apartment. Once Alena told me:

- You know, this has already happened in my life: I watched, I liked it, but something inside did not allow me to turn on. And then somehow the guys encouraged me, I began to play myself - and I liked what I was doing, how I got involved in what was happening. The fact that I improvised spontaneously, that I “lived in music”. I understood what I want from life: to feel, to love, to give myself permission to be who I am. I don't know who I am yet …

Anticipating possible questions, if someone has them: no, Alena had no relationship with her neighbor.

And recently the same actress came to visit her. She said she was bored, that their separation was a mistake, and she would like to renew their relationship. Alena very calmly, listened to her warmly. And she said that she was grateful to her for the experience of knowing herself, for new sensations - but she would like to leave all this in the past …

Illustrations: Me and A Cup of Hot, watercolor