Narcissistic Character: Lecture Notes By Maria Mikhailova

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Video: Narcissistic Character: Lecture Notes By Maria Mikhailova

Video: Narcissistic Character: Lecture Notes By Maria Mikhailova
Video: Grandiose & Vulnerable Narcissism: Which is worse? Is Recovery Possible? 2024, March
Narcissistic Character: Lecture Notes By Maria Mikhailova
Narcissistic Character: Lecture Notes By Maria Mikhailova
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Narcissism is genuine and superficial

Narcissism permeates our entire life; a certain narcissism can be inherent in completely ordinary people. This is a superficial, introduced narcissism. The fact is that we all have to meet public expectations and requirements in order to be appreciated. To be considered beautiful, a woman needs to be more or less consistent with modern social ideas about "what a beauty looks like." You will not be able to go out on the street as you are (cellulite, bags under the eyes, unshaven legs) and for others to automatically consider you a beauty - you need to adjust yourself, at least partially, to the required standards and expectations of society.

A person may be in contact with his self, and society may not share his point of view (“I am beautiful!” - “No, you are fat, old and stooped”).

Therefore, a lot of people are engaged in trying to live up to public expectations, and this will radically shape their lives. For example, a girl who is on a diet devotes all her thoughts to losing weight and dramatically changes her lifestyle. Sometimes for years. Thus, the "narcissistic façade" is often observed not among narcissists, and there is much in this not psychological, but social, dictated by social expectations. This is not true, but introduced narcissism.

And there is genuine narcissism. It is a sincere desire to live up to expectations and an "inner death" from the feeling that "I can be written off if I am not good enough." A person subordinates his whole life to being sufficiently “good” and “correct” - if not in everything, then according to certain criteria. The requirement "to be correct" does not let go for a minute.

Clinical Description of Narcissistic Trauma

Where does the true narcissistic core of personality come from?

The psyche of the child is formed from the psyche of the mother (caring person). A caring figure completes his experiences. At first, the baby can only experience comfort-discomfort, the mother (or a caring adult) teaches the baby what his feeling is called in each period of time, and how appropriate or inappropriate it is.

Initially, the child responds with some kind of his own experience to external stimuli (described, lying wet = yelling). Mom makes it possible to navigate the adequacy and inadequacy of experiences.

It is important to understand that the experiences of a child can be difficult for an adult to bear: they can be annoying, inappropriate, too expressive. A small child generally eats up a terrible amount of nervous energy from parents (yes, some parents sigh with great relief when the child finally has puberty, a teenage crisis and the child sends parents to hell; some mothers, exhausted by upbringing, sigh with noticeable relief when a teenager begins solve the problem of "psychological separation from parents").

So, child experiences are hard to bear by initially schizoid or depressed mothers (for example) - but any child, even the one that went to such mothers, is ORIGINALLY NORMAL! And such a mother, who finds it difficult to endure children's expressiveness and egocentricity, reacts to the child's behavior with irritation and detachment.

Then the child with his childish mind comes to the conclusion: "something is wrong with me" and in general it would be better to put my feelings somewhere. These are the shame and fear in adults - “Didn't I laugh too loudly,” “Did I get too sick?” Irritated parents taught them an initially healthy, adequate and impulsive child.

In general, parents as a whole do not really support us in experiencing expressive feelings - it is not very clear what to do with them in our society, they are just a hassle. Therefore, we grow up and are not very good at managing our own relevance and spontaneity.

It is also difficult for parents in our society to cope with such a natural thing as child sexuality. Units of parents with us can

  • calmly experience child sexuality (without repressing it, not shaming, not humiliating, not suppressing the child)
  • talk about the rules of the hostel and how to deal with your own sexuality (without blushing and finding words - to clearly define when and how it is appropriate to demonstrate sexuality, and when it is not worth it).

It is easier for parents to “stick their heads in the sand” - let the child be told “about it” in the doorway. And we ourselves are ashamed to talk about this.

By the way, narcissistic clients often have tendencies to sexual perversions - they are looking for a way to accommodate their sexuality (“once my mother said that a decent girl shouldn't be with boys, but she didn't say anything about other girls, animals and transvestites!”)

Initially, any negative experience of a person is a reaction to frustration. Parents need to teach their child the “I can handle the situation” approach. Parents need to adaptively frame their child's bubbly expression. But it’s not easy. To do this, you have to deal with the child's anger. He needs this anger to help

  • realize
  • present
  • give the opportunity to "wrestle with the parents"

Not every parent has the strength to do this. It is easier to prohibit testing and presenting anger. Therefore, a child who has grown up (into a narcissist) often cannot understand exactly where he is frustrated - which means that he simply cannot present his anger and adequately deal with it. A child can maintain self-esteem only if he remains "good" in his mother's eyes. Good, competent conflict resolution (in which the child will not be humiliated and depressed) will give the child a sense of his own competence, which will support him throughout his life. “I can handle the experience; experiences are a marker of the process, not a sign that everything is lost!"

Narcissists lacking the experience of “butting” have no idea of the value of relationships. The offended narcissist will prove his innocence with all his might - he does not save the relationship, he believes that the relationship will stand it anyway. They will save their righteousness.

The therapist is required to make them understand that it is necessary to save the relationship (while “saving yourself”, yes). Discuss with the narcissist: tell me, here you are now in conflict and fighting to the death for your innocence. Are you not afraid that you:

  • trample and destroy your opponent
  • make him blame
  • and in general, will you be satisfied with the contact that you will achieve by proving to the interlocutor that you are right?

Maybe it makes sense to let the interlocutor "save face" and not seek your total righteousness in the relationship, eh?

If the mother never understood the child's experiences, but totally suppressed any of his discontent and negativity ("why are you being capricious? Well, stop it!"), Then the child will be left with ideas that:

  • To be angry is ashamed
  • Offended - ashamed
  • It is necessary to suppress any negative experiences and always remain on a solid positive, otherwise it is not good

Narcissists have no idea that life is long and consists not only of radiant happiness. After all, the experience of happiness is most likely a rare period; the life of any person consists of many routine and habitual actions. We all go to work for years; the baker gets up at 4 am daily to bake bread; the seller opens a shop every day to sell tights and the like. It's great if daily activities are enjoyable, but they cannot (and should not) bring daily bouts of excitement. In general, this is a huge infantile idea - to be happy every minute; and narcissists are susceptible to it and are very upset that they "fail to comply."

What they say about daffodils ("daffodils are empty", "daffodils do not know how to love") is from childhood. They have no experience of how to stay loved and good even in a conflictual relationship, when I am unhappy or my mother is unhappy with me. There is an experience of how to stay good when everyone loves me and everyone is happy with me. There is no experience of relationships that persist despite the conflict.

He was always scolded and shamed when he was not what was expected, was wrong. Generally, shame looks like this: there must be contact, but there is no contact. Shame always isolates (the one who is shamed). The ashamed one gets out of contact and leaves the one who is ashamed there. For a child, this is a difficult experience: "I will be bad, they will leave me and I will be left alone." And he grows up, not being able to experience his difficulties and problems in contact with a supportive loved one. Nobody ever stayed with him, did not sit, did not support him.

This habit persists over the years: if something is bad, if something went wrong, a person isolates himself from society, does not take support (even if offered), tries to figure out loneliness, not to show himself to anyone "black" - to cope on his own with everything and "go out in white." Sometimes, especially when problems of a personal nature, it is a slamming trap: I cannot cope with the problem myself, but it is unbearable to present it to people. So I sit alone, tormented by the fact that I am lonely … Thus, the narcissist stops himself from going to people and receiving support and love from them (he needs so much). This comes from the conviction: "others do not need me except as good." The narcissist does not believe that others do not see me, if I do not bring them my achievements, that in myself I am not needed and valuable.

Shame is healed by trusting, being closer to other people. They will help explain what my mother had to (and did not): what happened to me, why I feel so bad, how to get through my hard feelings.

By the way: often for daffodils there remains the only refuge in the world instead of a mother - AESTHETICS. Therefore, they are often neat, well-groomed, fit, dressed in brands and in general, it is a pleasure to look at them.

Adaptive strategies for narcissistic trauma:

  1. Behavioral (perversions, addictions, delinquency)
  2. Psychological

Behavioral strategies:

Perversions (sexual "perversions"): BDSM practices, "second" secret life. All this is not about sex, but about the ability to appropriate attractiveness and sexuality. For the narcissistically traumatized, being ordinary is not resourceful, they do not know how to get strength and support from there. Therefore, they are experimenting with the unconventional.

Addictions (addictions): The narcissistically traumatized are quite prone to addictions, but rarely to alcohol. They usually hardly drink, because intoxication involves the loss of control over the body and mind, and this is unpleasant for them. Sometimes they drink alone, but more often they do not drink too much.

Delinquency (antisocial behavior, violation of public order): psychological regression, "child protest", rebellion.

Psychological strategies

For the narcissist, any object that "adds points" is always external. Therefore, all behavioral strategies of narcissistic trauma are about relationships with an external object, manipulating with which the narcissist tries to "become better." Types of strategies:

  1. Subordination
  2. Grandeur
  3. Depreciation
  4. Idealization
  5. Compulsive attachment

Submission: This is the internal willingness to communicate with an external object in accordance with the desires of the object. It's about parental approval. Thus, the narcissist is trying to "replay" the relationship of children and earn a positive assessment of the mother, which was not enough in childhood. But they can only “buy” this positive assessment, exchange it for their “correct”, “good” behavior. This allows

  • maintain self-esteem through external approval ("I'm good");
  • “Avoid failure” (narcissists constantly expect failure and exposure, so even a temporary respite is very valuable for them);
  • “So they don’t guess that I’m an idiot” - narcissists constantly think that they are impostors and will be deprived of a good attitude in shame and shame; any achievements soothe them only for a while;
  • save relationships - for narcissists, relationships are always a subject of sale and purchase: I will be “good” to you, and you don’t reject me;

Grandiosity: The narcissist believes that people will appreciate and notice him only for his achievements. Therefore, he collects achievements, sometimes "walking over corpses." At the same time, the connection with reality is lost, the person "moves" into the fictional world. The inner person swells and ceases to contact people around. This is how narcissists save their fragile and vulnerable self.

Devaluation: you have to be great against someone else's background. To do this, you can "lower" and humiliate others. Not for the sake of sadism, no - so as not to fall into nothingness. Because other people's achievements are perceived as belittling their own and destroying their own value. Therefore, you need to constantly "hit on the head" of others in order to be higher than them.

Idealization: attachment to an object that can confirm its status. Narcissists who choose this strategy are drawn to leaders, tall persons, to secular circles, to famous personalities. In any role, just to be present in the "high circle", to communicate with celebrities. "I mean something if he chose me."

Compulsive attachment: a romantic and unattainable ideal is chosen, with which a relationship is impossible (Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling, Angelina Jolie). Then either you can completely deny yourself a relationship, or fundamentally choose "something simpler", against which background you will look better. This is how a beautiful and intelligent girl chooses a disabled person as a partner - not out of great love (of course, possible with a disabled person), but because "he will always appreciate me for having condescended." An object is valued not for its quality, but for the fact that you can look amazing against its background.

Theoretical Views on Narcissistic Trauma

Heinz Kohut: A child has a grandiose phase where he truly believes that he is the navel of the earth. For example, a baby - he is full of rage when something goes wrong, he gets angry and screams, if he had strengths, he would punish those who bring him inconvenience (does not give his breast on time, prevents him from falling asleep, etc.). NS.). But the child is faced with a limitation and the experience of his impermeability (when the baby is teething, no one can help him; and if the mother is busy, then the child can be angry and yell for a long time in wet diapers, and he also cannot do anything about it). Parents need to help the child cope with this trauma and the feeling of his own non-grandeur.

Otto Kernberg: it's quite the opposite, the child is full of envy and aggression, but there is no grandeur at all. The child experiences a huge, all-encompassing envy of adults, of a mother who is so big and beautiful, she has high-heeled shoes and a whole shelf of lipsticks !!! Narcissistic pathology is expressed in the fact that the child cannot experience these feelings, cope with them - this is how narcissism arises.

Summers: There is no envy or aggression, but there are autistic experiences. Blocked feelings lead to narcissism.

Recommendations for therapeutic work with a narcissistic client

The instinctive needs (true self) are very childish in the narcissistically traumatized, roughly corresponding to the age of 3 years. Very infantile own needs.

It is important to make it clear how valuable their feelings are. By maintaining the value of the individual and showing support and respect, attack their experiences (dysfunctional). Teach the client how to conflict without destroying the relationship (start with conflicts with the therapist, discuss grievances and contradictions, and emphasize how to maintain the relationship at the same time). The general strategy for dealing with a narcissistically traumatized client is to “create a happy childhood” in a single therapy. Where he is loved and accepted, where he can remain “good” and always be supported, regardless of any disagreements.

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