2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Behind neurotic guilt lies the fear of disapproval, judgment, criticism, and exposure. Guilt is not the cause, but the effect of these fears.
Fear of judgment and disapproval can come in different forms
1. In constant fear of irritating people. (for example, a neurotic may be afraid to refuse an invitation, fear to express their opinion, express disagreement with someone else's opinion, express their desires, not meet the set standards, be noticeable).
2. In constant fear that people will learn something about him. (to prevent your exposure and fall).
Why is the neurotic concerned about his exposure and disapproval?
1. The main factor that explains the fear of disapproval is the huge discrepancy between the facade (Jung's persona) that the neurotic shows to the world and himself, and all those repressed tendencies that remain hidden behind this facade. Although the neurotic himself suffers greatly from this pretense, it is vital for him to hold on to it. Because this pretense protects him from hidden anxiety. That which he has to hide is the basis of the fear of exposure and disapproval. There is a strong shame there. It is insincerity that is responsible for his fear of disapproval. And he is afraid of discovering precisely this insincerity.
2. The neurotic wants to hide his "aggressiveness". Not only anger, desire for envy, revenge, desire to humiliate, but also all his secret claims to people. He does not want to make his own efforts in order to achieve what he wants, instead, he wants to feed off the energy of others. This can happen either through the use of force and power, by exploiting people. Or through attachment, "love" and obedience to others. If his claims are touched, he feels intense anxiety that there is a threat not to get what he wants in the usual way.
3. He also wants to hide from others how weak, helpless and defenseless he is. How little he is able to defend his rights, how strong his anxiety. For this reason, it creates the appearance of strength. He despises weakness in himself and in others. He considers any discrepancy to be a weakness. Because he despises any weakness, then assumes that others, finding it in him, will despise him. Therefore, he lives in constant anxiety that sooner or later everything will be revealed.
In this regard, the feeling of guilt and the accompanying self-accusations are not a cause, but a consequence of the fear of disapproval and at the same time serves as a protection against it. On the one hand, they help to achieve tranquility. On the other hand, get away from seeing the real state of affairs.
A good example is given by K. Horney in his book "The Neurotic Personality of Our Time". The patient constantly rebuked himself for being a burden to the analyst, who takes him for a low pay. At the end of the conversation, he suddenly remembers that he forgot to bring money for the session with him. This was one of the testimonies of his desire to receive everything for free. And self-accusations here were just an excuse to get away from the real situation.
Self-incriminating functions:
1. Self-blame leads to reassurance. If I blame myself for something that others turn a blind eye to, then I'm not such a bad person. It boosts self-esteem. But they rarely touch upon the real reason for his dissatisfaction with himself.
2. Self-accusations do not allow the neurotic to see the need for change and serve as a substitute for such changes. It is difficult to change something in an established personality. And for a neurotic it becomes extremely difficult. This is due to the fact that many of his attitudes are generated by anxiety. And if you start to touch them, it causes the strongest fear and resistance. And self-accusations then seem to lead to change. Immersion in guilt indicates avoiding the difficult task of changing oneself.
3. Self-blame also provides an opportunity not to blame others, but only yourself, which seems safer. It comes from the family. And in the family from culture. Principle: It is a sin to criticize parents. When a relationship is based on authoritarianism, there is a tendency to prohibit criticism because it tends to undermine authority.
If the child is not very intimidated, he will resist, but he will be lodged with a strong sense of guilt. A more timid child will not even have a thought that the parents may be wrong. However, he will feel that someone is still wrong. If not parents, then he. And the fault lies with him. The child will take the blame instead of realizing that they are being treated unfairly.
How a neurotic escapes disapproval:
1. Self-blame.
2. Preventing any criticism by trying to be always right and impeccable, and in this way do not leave vulnerabilities for criticism. The problem is that for such a person, a difference of opinion, a difference in preferences is tantamount to criticism.
Searching for salvation in ignorance, illness or helplessness. You can pretend to be a little understanding, helpless and harmless person, thus it is possible to avoid punishment. If helplessness is ineffective, then you can get sick. Illness as a way to cope with the difficulties of life has long been known. But in the case of a neurotic, this also makes it possible not to solve the situation properly. For example, a neurotic who has problems with his boss may experience an acute attack of intestinal upset. The disease in this case enables the neurotic not to meet with the boss. And he has an alibi instead of realizing his cowardice.
3. Seeing yourself as a victim. The neurotic will never admit this, that he has a need to use others, he will consider it an insult. He will resent others and thus avoid acknowledging his own proprietary tendencies. Feeling like a victim is a very common strategy. It is an effective method of protection against disapproval. Allows you not only to divert accusations from yourself, but also to blame others at the same time.
4. How else is it possible to hinder the awareness of the need for change? Intellectualize your problems. Such people find great pleasure in obtaining psychological knowledge, but leave it without use.
Conclusion: When a neurotic accuses himself, the question should not be about what he actually feels guilty about, but what functions of this self-accusation can be?
Main functions: manifestation of fear of disapproval, protection from this fear, protection from accusations.
(based on the theory of neuroses by Karen Horney)
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