Do You Need To “understand” The Manipulator? And Is That Enough?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Manipulations arise at the place of unmet need. Manipulation is a roundabout, roundabout way of satisfying some internal need or desire. The method is energy-consuming, exhausting. Often a person has to spend the lion's share of his life energy on manipulation. What for? - And then, that it is impossible for him (either in general or at the moment) any other way.

It is important to distinguish between two types of manipulation.

The first kind of manipulation. Makes the other feel like nothing. This is when a person can achieve a sense of self-satisfaction ONLY by manipulating. For example, his need will be satisfied exclusively through the weakening or humiliation of another. To make others helpless, guilty and humiliated is his need. And, since this is a “perversion of the need for love”, then a person often experiences “humiliation of others” precisely as “care” or “love”.

For example, a boss openly humiliates a subordinate, but declares and sincerely believes that this is how he improves his performance. Although the “need” of the boss is not efficiency at all, but the crushing of the other, which gives the boss a feeling “I am good”. Such a person manipulates the states of others, “proving” their weakness, worthlessness, stupidity and helplessness in order to feel “but everything is ok with me” against their background. He often “comes to their aid”, “stretches out his hand”, “turns on care” - until a new circle of humiliation.

The reason for this behavior is extremely vulnerable pride, an unbearable feeling of one's own weakness and worthlessness. The goal of this behavior is to “make” others helpless and oneself strong, “saving” or “punishing weakness”. "Drown and dunk" others, feeling powerful, not the same as "them."

The catch here is that such a person is not able to admit that he is just as weak and helpless as those whom he “turns” into “weak, worthless, guilty and unworthy”. For him, recognizing himself as the same is unacceptable. After all, it is from this feeling that he “runs”, humiliating others.

What to do? Three options:

Option 1. Agree to be "worthless, inept, scanty and weak." After all, in fact, we all are like that from time to time. Agreeing to be like that and refusing any kind of his "help" will plunge the manipulator either into fury, or he will become "not interested" with you. In essence, it will be “overlapping the supply channel”. If, of course, you are able to recognize yourself as “nobody and nothing”, that is, all those whom the manipulator “makes” you. Examples:

"You are the most disgusting student I have ever had" - "I sympathize with you so much …"

"How can you be such a pig!" - "Imagine, it turns out you can …"

"Have you still not married?" - "Well, you know, I turned out to be a lesbian …"

“You are a unique idiot, everyone has already understood this” - “I'm sorry that I disappointed everyone so much”

Option 2. If you find it difficult to become a “worthless nonentity” that the manipulator “turns you into”, it is difficult to agree with this (which is part of human nature) - run.

Option 3. Direct and overt aggression. A manipulator of this type will fall asleep as soon as it meets an aggressive attack stronger than him. But it is more powerful. This is from the area that there are people who only understand strength.

Possible mistakes in communicating with such a manipulator.

1) Try to prove to him that you are not worthless. You can spend your whole life on this without achieving any result, feeling that you are smoothly “going crazy”.

2) Belief (and not consent, often feigned) that such a manipulator-rapist is still right. That is, the real conviction of their complete worthlessness. In this case, you definitely need the help of a psychologist, as it can cost mental health.

3) Patience with the manipulator, trying to maintain a “good relationship” with him is the same as sacrificing oneself and can end in a “time bomb” or somatic problems.

How to “re-educate or change” such a manipulator?

This type of manipulator needs a non-ecological experience, a constant feeling of superiority over others, and for this reason he “must” humiliate others, feel them “below himself”. And he is extremely far from being able to admit it. Otherwise, he will be "covered" by the unbearable feeling of his own worthlessness and weakness. To be weak for such a person is worse than death (but any person is periodically weak - and this is normal). However, for such an individual his usual human weakness is comparable to the “end of the world”.

I know people who made a decision for themselves to change something in themselves and were able to come to the realization of the problem and solve it. Only the personal desire and personal responsibility of the person himself will lead to a successful replacement of the need to “put others down” with a more environmentally friendly need to “be self-confident”. Without personal effort, internal changes will never happen here - and this is a general rule.

The second type of manipulation. Makes the other feel guilty. This is when a person wants an ordinary and environmentally friendly thing, the feeling “he loves me and I’m good” - but he “does not believe” that this feeling can be obtained easily and simply without manipulation. Such a person is “confident” that love can only be achieved. That the feeling of spiritual comfort, acceptance, sympathy, completeness, saturation is something difficult to achieve, inaccessible and without "efforts" there is no chance. And this is unconscious. Moreover, in theory, a person understands and agrees that being loved, respected and accepted is natural, real and simple. But when he finds himself in a close relationship with another or when a painful or disturbing situation arises for him, the feeling of “impossibility of satisfaction” plunges him into intense anxiety (which he knows and therefore does not alarm him) and forces him to “act” out of this anxiety. A person finds himself inside his usual stach and does not realize that he is fighting with the mill, manipulating for the sake of feelings that can already be or simply are. Literally, it begins to seek fruits that grow freely on trees. And all because inside such a person has EXPERIENCE, that all these “fruits” are not for him, that he is actually “bad” and that he just does not deserve anything.

In fact, this is a completely unconscious experience (or confidence) in the impossibility of “love without effort”. And when there is a source of love, it will definitely “disappear” if you relax even for a second … The reason for this manipulation is the child's experience of constant dissatisfaction with elementary needs. To be well-fed, contented and happy is difficult, it takes effort, you need to “earn,” “get it as a prize,” “deserve it,” you need to have the right to do this.

We need something all the time, warmth, safety, food, contacts. And it’s impossible to get enough once and for all, even once for a long time. And when “hunger” arises - hunger for contact, warmth, for the feeling “I'm okay” - we all have to satisfy this hunger, make contact, seek warmth and consolation, create warmth, feed ourselves. But the child cannot do it on his own, he needs “another” for this.

Just imagine, the child is hungry. He screams and his mother gives him food in response to his scream. An older child wants a toy, asks, the mother hears and gives the toy. Even older, the child says that he is scared or in pain, and the adult consoles, protects. Even older, the request sounds “hug me”, “be near”, say that I am “the most-most” or “the most-most” - and this request is satisfied, there is a feeling “I have everything ok” But. After all, the baby's request may be CHRONICLY not fulfilled. Food is not provided on demand. If you want something, then it is always impossible. Fears are not replaced by a sense of security. The pain remains uncomfortable. The alarm remains unreleased. And a stable EXPERIENCE is acquired: “my desires do not mean anything”, “if I want something, then I have to beg, hysteria, beg, conquer, compete”, “if I don’t get something, then this is the most delicious, the most interesting "," to become satisfied is difficult, for this you need to look for ways, dodge, persistently demand "," the one who wants something will be humiliated and abandoned because of his desires "," to want is to run into a the anger of others”,“to want is to be weak and needy”… and thousands more options. It is then that methods of manipulation arise - to achieve their goal, but not directly, but "bypassing". After all, the needs for food, warmth, knowledge, security, tenderness, sympathy, acceptance - they do not disappear. These needs cannot dissipate like smoke, they can only “perverted”, as in the first type of manipulator, or “become an obsession that requires a certain approach to its solution”, as in the second type of manipulator.

If simple needs are not met easily and simply (and many years of experience of such people proves this), then the child adapts to receive it in a roundabout, “cunning” and manipulative way. And what kind of manipulation “worked steadily” becomes the main way of satisfaction in life. For example, a woman may need to “win”, “beat back”, “defeat rivals” - because this is what gives her the feeling “I'm okay”. She is satisfied only with “victory”. And then it turns out that the man himself, his feelings for her - this is absolutely not what she wants to get by entering into a relationship. That is, in order to feel satisfied, she does not need the relationship with a man itself (the direct path), but such a "roundabout" path in the form of a "war for relationships and victories in this war."

The reasons for manipulations of the second type boil down to the fact that there is a PROHIBITION on the direct need and the need takes on a bizarre and strange appearance. Prohibitions arose in childhood and sound something like this: - you can get something only if you feel very, very bad;

- you do not have the right to love, gifts, tenderness, because you “behave badly”;

- you ask too quietly and therefore you will receive when you yell loudly;

- you are not entitled to anything at all;

- love and tenderness are weaknesses, if I give it to you, then I will make myself and you weak;

- love is an inaccessible luxury, I haven't had it in my life and you won't get it … And many other options.

And when an adult is faced with “violations” of these prohibitions, this is where the problems begin.

If you “explain” to a child for a long time that he is just not worthy of anything good, then as an adult, he will either look for those who will confirm this, or will “break” those who question it

Intellectually, a person may well admit that, of course, love is given “just like that”. But deeper, in those layers that control reactions in close relationships and in stress - there will be a different "picture".

Only if I am terminally ill, then will I have the right to sympathy and love for me.

Relationships are “difficult” and unbearable for me, I am definitely “not ready” for them.

Relationships should only be correct and these rules are like this …

A significant person needs to be “attracted” and “retained” all the time.

Feelings are never enough, I must always be hungry to feel that I have a relationship with another.

I am not scared with another only when I can be angry with him.

My needs are “bad” and cause discomfort to others.

For a relationship, I need to be different, such as I am, no one will love me.

If a person showed attention, warmth and sympathy to me, it means that I behaved correctly and did everything in the “necessary” way.

If they don't sympathize with me, then I am behaving "wrongly." And thousands more options.

Each manipulator of the second type has a host of such "certainties" deep in their souls.

What to do? If you sincerely love a manipulator, but instead of simply sharing your love, he falls into ecstasy, then into depression, or dodges, like "already in a frying pan" - have patience. You will have to patiently and again patiently just be there, often feeling that you are forced to “prove that the sun is shining” You will have to “persuade” such a person for a long time that you will not leave, that you will not “betray” that you stable and reliable. But, on the other hand, can anyone promise this “responsibly”? Quite exhausting process, but other partners succeed, especially if the other gradually warms up, calms down. In fact, sincere sympathy, which we used to call love, is exactly what will give a chance here.

Possible mistakes in communicating with such a manipulator.

1) It is a mistake to believe that you are not faithful enough, you are not trying hard enough, that you are “loving wrongly”. Uncertainty in the reality of warmth, love and security in the manipulator himself - makes his partner begin to doubt the reality of his feelings. This is not an easy test. And to succumb to manipulation: “I knew that, you will leave me too, like everyone else” - this is precisely to succumb to manipulation and just play the well-known negative experience of the manipulator. Often the energy of such a manipulator is so destructive that it becomes simply impossible not to succumb. And you should give in and agree that yes, they destroyed it. Alas.

2) The second mistake is “to turn on the grandeur”. That is, to believe that you can easily cope with the emotional hunger of the manipulator. And that you will become the “doctor” who will “heal” him. Belief in this can cost years of life and the failure of this very grandeur, along with self-respect. The truth is that only the manipulator can cope with the emotional dissatisfaction of such a manipulator. And no one else. Believing it will be you is a costly mistake.

3) And the third mistake is to start explaining to such a manipulator that he behaves like a capricious child, that he is ungrateful, that he himself “does not know how to love”, that he “needs a psychologist” (actually a great idea, but for him it will sound like a “blow to the face”) that he himself destroys the relationship (and he really destroys them). All these explanations are a completely useless waste of energy.

How to “re-educate or change” such a manipulator? I will repeat, in essence, the previous one. It is possible to improve the condition of such a manipulator. Sincere and stable sympathy and warmth for him in the presence of infinite patience and calmness, since he will constantly “convince” you that you love him “wrongly”, “not enough” and do not love him at all. He will constantly “ruin the relationship”, and you just have to be around and endure these “ruins”, feeling either guilt or anger at him. So if you do not have sincere and unselfish love, as well as royal patience for such a person, then you will face the futility of everything and you may suffer yourself. No words, no self-restraint, no effort and no gifts, no “heroism of a rescuer” will help such a person to believe that warmth, love, security and acceptance are real and possible. Only time, stable emotional warmth (which is extremely difficult) and the determination of such a person to take the risk and believe you will give her a chance. And here the MAIN IMPORTANT is not to deceive and not be deceived …

Sincerity and honesty are the only things that can become and be a real support here. But whether we can “promise another love” is a different question.