2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The attraction of men and women to each other is one of the most wonderful forces driving humanity. And humanity manages to do a lot of things in order to make this clear, pure, free striving for each other a muddy, crooked and painful waddling incomprehensible in which direction: either to each other, or further away.
There is such an interesting mini-experiment, which is sometimes suggested to be done in opposite-sex groups: men and women sit in two circles. Move the chairs, and in one circle only men sit and communicate with each other, and only women in the other. Feelings change a lot. In the male circle, the world becomes somehow simpler and clearer, and I myself, for example, significantly “simplify”. In some groups, there is a general male solidarity, dating back to the era of hunting fraternities, in which mutual support and a strong shoulder of a friend are the key to survival. In other groups, participants can share a sense of sharply increased competition, struggle for hierarchy. Who is the leader and who is the outsider …
Most often, these two poles are present simultaneously, but the balance is different - somewhere closer to mutual support, somewhere to suppression and hierarchy … Sometimes, during a conversation, glances are thrown towards the female circle, and there you catch interested glances towards the male.
When the group sits back down, the difference is more clearly felt, and, moreover, this perennial attraction / interest in each other becomes more noticeable after being in same-sex company. But as soon as you try to get closer, you come across rubble and swamps …
Over a year ago, I spoke with a colleague who works a lot with women victims of domestic violence and rape. The topic is extremely difficult, charged with shame, guilt, fear, anger, hatred, despair and powerlessness. We talked about this for a while, after which the colleague sighed and said:
- You know, when you look in one direction for a very long time, everything else just disappears. I hear so many stories about men who rape, beat, mock, ignore, devalue that I have a hard time not to hate all men, not to consider all of them … you,”she turned to me,“some kind of monsters.
- And how do you deal with it?
- Differently. There are two important points. I remind myself of what I have already said: if you look at one point for a long time, then the whole world around you ceases to exist, except for this point. Women who have suffered from men come to me, I have the most difficult life story, but this is still only part of the picture, and I often take part of the picture for the whole … I have to remind myself of this … And I also communicate with adequate men. I'm not surrounded by monsters right now. Sometimes I just greedily start looking for positive images of men in order to somehow balance the imbalance that is in my mind … It's like a breath of fresh air after a fetid cesspool. I re-learn to touch men mentally, to trust, to rely, to rejoice. It's good that there are such people in my environment. I'm warming up.
Yes, that's right … Plunging into the problems of other people, you get a terrible distortion of the picture of the world. Parents are demonized to tyrants and murderers, women are all bitches and bitches, men are rapists and murderers …
An endless string of stories about the pain that men and women inflict on each other supplants everything else. And then you don't see male fathers who are enthusiastically tinkering with their babies - the gaze rests all the time on those who are standing with a bottle of beer at the children's sandbox, interested exclusively in the number of remaining cigarettes in a pack, or mothers who yell at a child who dared to tell a story like a normal living child. You don't see touching elderly couples dancing in the park or walking along the embankment, hand in hand - in the minds only stories about loneliness and painful partings …
It's hard to stay in an ambiguous world; a burnt psyche requires simplicity and clarity, which does not contradict the experience that was received
I remember the story of one woman in the psychological group about her experience of rape. It was extremely difficult to listen to. The women in the group - and there were the majority of them - all leaned forward, towards the figure in the center, while I - like the other two men - seemed to have stepped back, although everyone was sitting in the same circle and no one got up anywhere …
It was concentrated anger towards men, and I felt confusion and a feeling of powerlessness - the powerlessness that a man feels when all his strength is useless. When I didn’t save it, I couldn’t protect it. Such feelings are experienced by husbands and fathers who could not protect their women or daughters from violence, because either they were not there or could not. Somewhere on the edge of consciousness, a shame ripened, similar to what you experience when you are frightened, and then you cannot forgive yourself for this cowardice. A shame that is familiar to so many ordinary non-superman men. Because one of the basic foundations for feeling like a man is the ability to protect …
There is still a lot of anger towards the one / those scum who did this to a woman who is crying next to….
And this anger breaks down on powerlessness, because everything that happened is already in the past … You look, feel and suddenly realize why she always keeps her distance, withdraws when you come a little closer, at a more comfortable distance for you (and other people) …
"I'm afraid of you … And I don't believe you …".
What can you, who never raised your hands to a woman, be able to say to the face of this accusatory: "I do not believe you !!!", uttered by a woman who knew mostly pain from people of my gender? The helpless "I'm not like that, believe me?" She would be glad to believe, but a burnt soul cannot stand touch.
Today I went by public transport. On one of the seats on her mother's lap sat a baby about one year old, in a pink dress and with a funny knitted hat on her bald head. She was a very respectable girl, although she could not help smiling in response to my smile …
Here a mother and a boy, who is two and a half years old, enters the bus. The boy is naughty, he doesn't like something. Mom sits the boy next to this girl, and immediately reproaches her son: “You see - even the girl does not cry, looks at you like a fool, and you cry like a capricious girl! It should be a shame. " How much information is there about these mysterious girls … A capricious girl is bad. "Even a girl doesn't cry" - that is, even such creatures do not allow such weakness, and you, a man (apparently of a higher rank) - certainly cannot afford it! Finally, it seems like the girls can cry …
More and more such examples can be sketched. Whole rubble of prejudice, bigotry, trauma, fears …
But there is this craving of the two sexes to each other. It manifests itself in a lot of little things. When suddenly averted eyes, caught for a second the gaze of a woman. Or when a woman automatically, without hesitation, straightens her hair when she sees a man entering. In a changing atmosphere, when someone from the opposite side appears in a same-sex company. This craving is alive and natural, conditioned by nature, but broken or distorted by hard living experience and rules invented by no one knows when. Because of which, a smooth movement towards each other turns into an obstacle race or a fierce defensive struggle.
Something is wrong. But not with a masculine or feminine nature. Everything is alright with them. And the world is all right. There is something wrong with the perception.
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