An Unhappy Marriage Is Deadly

Video: An Unhappy Marriage Is Deadly

Video: An Unhappy Marriage Is Deadly
Video: Gravitas | Study: Unhappy marriages can be fatal 2024, March
An Unhappy Marriage Is Deadly
An Unhappy Marriage Is Deadly
Anonim

They always look at me with hope, eagerly wanting to hear: "Yes, your husband can be corrected, kept, changed, the happiness of your marriage depends entirely on you, I will teach you how …" and other encouraging dishonest phrases.

I understand how painful it is to hear it (sometimes I have to be a surgeon of human souls): "Your marriage is terminally ill, he (or you) has left …"

They are all a bit alike. Although some of them are like hunted animals with lowered shoulders, and someone is like Kutuzov in full combat armor, but everyone has a dried up spiritual source in their eyes.

Even when she left her husband for the hundredth time and already knows for sure that nothing can be saved in their relationship, a plea still bursts from the bottom of the mental well - to make a deal with her conscience and try to change him …

And no matter how majestic, mannered, well-groomed mask they come, behind it is the whole face of a crying baby, who reaches for the breast of a mother who leaves him, a ghost mother, a cold, mechanistic robot that rejects its child as a stranger. (Many Eastern women will now remember that they grew up with their grandmother, who died when they were still small and they were taken to the house of their mother, who seemed to them to be an absolutely alien woman …)

I see the eyes of an orphan daughter who wanders over and over again in the alleyways among beggars for the love of men. The same screaming boys calling for their mothers who left them. Most often, they are orphans with living parents, because they grew up in a love deficit with a feeling of emotional hunger that does not go away.

It is impossible for two beggars to feed each other, especially if they are children (in essence of their mental development). Unless just give your hand a bite. What happens most often …

They are very upset when they hear that the cure for this incurable disease is amputation - or isolation from the source of the exact poisoning. In fact, after all, the amputation is not of your hand, but of the appendix that you stuck to yourself. After all, a happy marriage is not like the Centipede, its parts are separable from each other. And they are attracted by love. Not that dependent and obsessed love that all works of culture tell about, but that which can only be given by a parent who loves unconditional love. That energy, which, however, we can give ourselves from other filled sources. And then this love attracts like a magnet particles separate from each other, which make up a happy family.

The eyes of women happily in marriage glow, they are calm and soft. These are not lonely girls and not men with sledgehammers, but Women with a capital letter - gentle, wise, kind and cheerful.

How to be? Since no one is to blame that we grew up in a deficit of love, and no one taught us how to be filled with love, did not teach us how to build relationships. How can we live and love not like stupid beasts of burden, blindly obeying the whip of the memory of generations, but as majestic people, the crown of the creation of all life on earth? People who are Creators themselves … How can we live, directing our ability to create primarily on our own life?

Dear friend, I do not force you now to gather your will into a fist and get divorced. My job is to educate you about the dangers of an unhappy marriage. Remember, this is just an article, and you can read it or you can close it, but your life is your main gift, and it’s definitely not for me, but for you to decide how to use it. Throw it out in the trash, bury it in the ground in anticipation of better times. By the way, they may not come … Or take it as a priceless treasure and enjoy it.

1) If your husband is "Golik" or "Man" (alcoholic, workaholic, drug addict, gambling addict …, strongly obsessed with religion to the detriment of your relationship, perfectionist - obsessed with purity, sex addict and other Man …), he simply does not have inside the source of love, he has no mental strength. Therefore, if you feed your relationship all the time, then … you will become exhausted … and then, the second moment - you will not be able to talk about your feelings, about your problem - after all, he will not be able to hear (he is not to blame, just his head is occupied by another - his illness: holism or mania) … and if you do not express feelings (anger, resentment, pain … etc.), then they accumulate in the body and destroy you from the inside (heart attack, cancerous tumors, stroke …) as a result - early death.

2) If you have an unequal distribution of responsibilities in your family, you do everything for everyone, live their lives, you may not notice a car jumped out on the road … after all, your thoughts were occupied by others (how to promote your husband at work, how to drag your son to school …) …

If we talk about Kazakhstani women (among whom there are many of my readers), then … you are generally busy with your numerous relatives, so revered in Kazakhstan, exhausted by receiving guests and solving other people's problems, you had no time to go to the doctor and now you are already in a hospital bed … (The value of family ties is off scale in comparison with the value of the life of a Kazakhstani woman).

3) Cheating, constant scandals, quarrels, chronic tension in relationships, sexual dissatisfaction, groundless, chronic criticism, dissatisfaction with you, emotional coldness, emotional violence, ignoring you, your husband's dissatisfaction with the fact that you are his wife, and not another - real or imaginary woman) - you are in conditions of constant stress, pressure, your body cannot cope with the load and gives a bunch of diseases to the mountain. I'm not talking about those cases when a woman does not want to go home, be a woman and even live. How many years can you survive like this? An example is Mereline Monroe, who did not live to be 40, in such a poisonous, poisonous relationship.

4) If you yourself chose someone you don't love, don't respect, maybe you didn't choose at all. The choice was made by your sudden pregnancy. And suddenly you woke up after a certain number of years and realized … NOT THAT ….. If you cheat - I have already described the result of such a relationship above - this is unambiguous stress, even though you can deceive yourself, saying: "But my eyes lit up." But you and I know that deep down in your soul you are unhappy, because you want to live with the man you really love … And if you don't cheat - oh, oh, oh …. You understand that you have lost…. You are not living your life filled with happiness and mutual love, but playing a fake role in the next act of an endlessly dramatic performance of women of your kind. Drama, intensity, sacrifice, the sacred altar of belonging to women who suffered and gave you this bitter cup. This cup will poison you too. Because the soul does not want to be a puppet of the ancestral fate hanging over it, a puppet of your wounded heart. A heart that tries to earn the love of a mother by repeating her cultized destiny. What do you think, in fact, what would they say to you, all women of your kind, if they had the opportunity to stand in front of you and see what you have turned your life into? They would say: “Dear you are our girl, we suffered, but you let it go … we have all drunk this cup to the bottom, live happily. Live not as we lived … Find your happiness, live your happy life, and we will support you and give you generic strength "… I think you would have heard something like this … wouldn't you?

5) And finally, domestic violence. Humiliation, insults, neglect of your needs, disrespect…. A huge percentage of family deaths in the CIS are precisely for this reason. I think there is no need to tell you that if your husband puts his hand, then one day he will not calculate the blow and then your family will have to put their lips to your cold forehead …

Forgive me, my dear, that I am writing to you about such patients, but truthful things … I think that your mother did not talk to you on such topics … But now I am acting as a surgeon of human souls, as you remember … To save you from mortally - a dangerous disease that led to an unhappy marriage. A disease called "love addiction" (even if you are a narcissistic narcissist and live with a loving but not beloved husband - all the same because … your "narcissism" is a protection from the childhood deficit of unconditional love, otherwise, loving yourself for real, you would not allow herself to live in empty, false relationships). If not her (addiction), then what makes you cling to this marriage killing you, like a wet board near the sinking side of the Titanic?

Why don't I urge you now to start calling yourself a weak-willed rag, incapable of making decisions and acting like an adult, self-confident woman? Because if you find yourself in such a relationship and hold on to it, then most likely you do not have the resource to end it. Therefore, the first step is to seek help. Options are support groups, a psychologist, crisis centers for women, online schools that address this issue. I will warn you that trainings are contraindicated for you: "How to keep a man", "How to return a loved one", "How to change a man and improve a marriage" … Of course, I can advise you to try to talk with your husband about what if he does not … then you will leave him … or take him forcibly to a psychologist … perhaps he will be a unique case and will strongly want to change, having never wanted to change his comfortable life before. But I don’t think you should count on it too much….

What prevents you from taking this step, reviving your life? All types of fears (fear of disappointment in oneself, a man, fear of loneliness, fear of criticism and condemnation by society, relatives, fear of poverty, fear of failure - to regret later, fear of success - to suddenly become a beloved successful woman, this is what a betrayal of the family, and fear of losing love loved ones for being successful unlike them) and other reasons. These are all normal feelings in your situation. Remember that all brave people are afraid, but jump … into the abyss … with a parachute … It will be easier for you to go this path not alone, but with the help of other people.

But that's not all. You still have to work on yourself and learn a different behavior, a different choice of men. That is, you will have to learn behavior opposite to what you had. Since yours led to an unhappy relationship, you need to master what leads to a happy one. Is it possible? Yes, people are trained, if they want it - they are capable of great deeds, great destinies, just as they can live miserable, like plants in a dungeon without care, dry, crooked, weak and lifeless. Miserable not for us, although our hearts also shrink at the sight of your sad eyes, it will be a pity later … for you … to live such a life when everything was in your own hands …

Although I encourage unhappy wives to get divorced, you might think that I am a feminist who devalues marriage. In fact, marriage and family are of great value to me, HEALTHY AND HAPPY. A family based on mutual respect, love, tenderness and cooperation. For the sake of the appearance of such families in our society, I consider it a necessary step to end unhappy marriages. After all, you can even start your life anew and happily at 50, having met a good person who suits you, capable of nourishing and giving wings to relationships. Read about what a healthy relationship is - in my other articles.

(All examples in the article are based on the real lives of women)

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