About Intimacy And Sex

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Video: About Intimacy And Sex

Video: About Intimacy And Sex
Video: The One About Intimacy | Couple Things 2024, March
About Intimacy And Sex
About Intimacy And Sex
Anonim

Author: psychologist Ksenia Alyaeva

The level of arousal from intimacy and the level of sexual arousal are about the same.

But many of us know what to do with sexual arousal, but not how to stay intimate. Therefore, the realization of the need for spiritual closeness can be expressed through sexuality. However, having received sexual or erotic satisfaction, there is no feeling of satisfaction and spiritual satiety - the need for something was not in the eroticization of relationships and not in sex.

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In my opinion, this happens for a number of reasons

Firstly we are nowhere taught to recognize our feelings, especially their fine lines. Moreover, in some communities, sensitivity is assessed as weakness, and this quality can generally be considered a shame. Especially for men. Which reduces the chances of developing this skill, which, in my opinion, is necessary for psychological well-being.

Secondly, we have a very developed sex industry. There is a ton of information about sex. This topic is not as taboo as talking about feelings and their facets - talking about sex, with all the taboo on this topic, is now much more familiar, it seems to me, than about feelings.

And, accordingly, when the need for closeness arises and it is necessary to somehow realize it, but it is not clear how, the absence of this skill causes such tension that “shoots out” what looks like closeness and where it is clear what to do. That is, arousal from intimacy is recognized as sexual arousal.

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If you constantly substitute one for the other, then sooner or later something like an imbalance will happen. For example, if I am thirsty, but eat instead, and do this thousands of times, then sooner or later my body will fail - I will either gain excess weight, or dehydration, or some other dysfunction.

Accordingly, a living and rich in all facets relationship between two people is possible only when both clearly feel about themselves - what at a particular moment each of them wants. Direct and calm presentation of your “want” and “don’t want” implies in some places a conflict of interest. But this does not mean at all that the word "conflict" means "scandals, intrigues, investigations." Being in conflict without hurting or hurting is another skill that is worth writing a separate post, but for now I will focus on intimacy.

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obyatiya1

So, closeness. Actually, what is it?

I understand closeness as the approach of two people from the very core of existence. When two meet from their central essence experience and can safely remain in that experience. Simply put, they are found without masks and protections.

This is a very exciting experience at first, because not only bright feelings are concentrated in it, but also one's own vulnerability.

After all, when you come so close to someone, then if they decide to spit, they will get it. And since many of us were spat on at such moments, the rapprochement with our vulnerability is, in my opinion, a very courageous step.

I know that some, after childhood traumas, do not dare to take it at all. It's easier to go into cynicism, cleverness, humor, clownery, reject, run away … in defense, in short. In order not to risk reliving that experience again, when the one who is so needed did not just reject my offer or my act, he rejected ME, me in my essence, blaming along the way for some of my badness.

Therefore, in order for intimacy to happen, it is important that trust is formed in the relationship.

And so, two lovers meet … no, two people who love each other meet, and at some point their love begins to break out, unable to remain covered by some chatter on abstract topics or some other occupation, and a moment comes, in which both (or only one) are "covered" by this joy of approach and acceptance in this approach, seasoned with tenderness, love, joy that this meeting happened … share it, pass it on.

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Actually, at this moment, the substitution of arousal from intimacy for sexual arousal usually occurs.

It also happens in another way - along with the experience of the value of these relations, there is an experience of one's own badness for these relations and, as a result, an escape from the relationship in general, or from the experience of the value of the relationship.

And it also happens that sympathy and desire for intimacy can only occur through sexuality. And so, for example, the need to be friends can revolve around sexuality and be embodied as communication under the pretext of sex and related topics. But this is somehow socially acceptable.

It is much more alarming if the need for intimacy with a same-sex partner is interpreted by oneself as homosexuality and causes shame.

Even more devastating are the consequences when the interpretation of their need for intimacy is confused at the root with sexuality and a person falls into a poisonous and paralyzing shame when in contact with children. And he limits his intersections with children to the maximum in order to protect children and himself from alleged pedophilia.

How else?

I don’t know how to do it right and I don’t have recipes suitable for everyone.

But from my experience and the experience of my colleagues and clients, I know that you can just consciously stay in proximity, experience it. This experience can be manifested by tears from the touching of what is happening, and by speaking out your feelings to your partner, and by speaking out your fears that may appear at such moments. That is, this experience can mature and develop into action, into the expression of this experience, sharing it with a partner, sharing this experience of intimacy with a partner. And that's all.

I reread the paragraph, it seems that everything just sounds as usual. But not everything is so simple, because there is no thing more fragile in a relationship than intimacy.

Closeness is reinforced by separation, acceptance. This means that in proximity there is no place for “correct” and appropriate responses to it. Intimacy is fueled by spontaneity and sincerity. Which, too, may not always be easy.

Therefore, I am suggesting, perhaps, here harmful advice on how to kill this very closeness. And then I thought for a long time where to hang this video. And here he belongs, it seems to me.

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