Two Traps In Which A Relationship With A Desired Partner Perishes

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Recently I wondered why it is very easy to be friends with men who are not interesting to me as partners for relationships:

“I’m not at all offended if they cannot take me to the airport or go to the cinema with me when I’m bored.

- I'm not angry if they do not answer my SMS for a long time or forgot to call back. I am not tormented by the thought that they are completely indifferent to me, or that they do not take me seriously.

- I do not feel ashamed that not everything is perfect for me, that the manicure has already grown, or that I arrived by subway, and not by my own car.

- There is no alarm that I will suddenly do something wrong, and I can freely talk about what I like, or make a joke on my companion.

- I don’t bother to make him understand me correctly, and therefore I don’t chew in detail what I want to convey to him. And in general, I behave in a relationship easily and naturally. And for some reason, friends like that fall in love easily and want a relationship.

BUT, if I liked a man, then the level of feelings immediately jumps, and I already think about every little thing - from the appearance to the word order in SMS.

Why is this happening? Because a man I like acquires supervalue in my eyes, and it is important for me to do everything right so that he wants to be with me, spend time, make plans, etc. AND at this moment a trap appears, which can destroy any relationship, because I cease to be myself and become someone else, whom I myself do not really know, but I think that he needs a personal one. Where does that other self come from, which is not me at all? She comes from clever books on how to build relationships competently and interesting women's novels, from vivid images of films that try to combine the predatory Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct and the sweet Jennifer Lopez from The Maid, from our upbringing and bitter experience of mistakes. Therefore, the behavior becomes unnatural and there is a lot of tension in the relationship. It may not be realized, but it necessarily affects the course of events, and such relationships turn into stress - they either become painful or quickly end.

The Bible has 2 commandments, which says - do not create an idol for yourself because he subordinates other needs and values of a person to his interests, and a person ceases to be free and reasonable, since all his actions are performed in order to get the approval of his idol.

As I write these lines, I have a lot of anger at these idols, whom we ourselves put on a pedestal! So what if a sports figure, an eventful life, a broad outlook and a successful career? I also have a lot of reasons to be proud of myself ?!

Of course, I want a partner in a relationship to evoke admiration, butterflies in the stomach and romantic fantasies. But where am I?

After all, my needs are not at all to meet other people's expectations, but to love and be loved, to receive attention, warmth, affection and care. Why is the substitution happening?

It turns out that when a small child is born, he is completely dependent on his parents, on how much they can understand and accept him as he is. In the traditions of the post-Soviet space, there is a cult of conditional love education. The child is praised for good behavior, high marks and achievements, for obeying parents and following the rules. Moreover, these rules are often dictated not by the principles of healthy relationships, but by the comfort of the parents. “Do not climb”, “know your place”, “grow up, then you will receive” - all these words are aimed at ensuring that the child does not create unnecessary trouble. Well, it is vitally important for a baby to receive the approval and attention of parents, so from childhood he learns to be comfortable with others, even if this is to his own detriment.

In childhood, we did not have the choice and opportunity to change the situation, but in adulthood we ourselves can create our own destiny. But why, logically understanding what will be best for us, we still do what we do?

Our consciousness affects only 2% of human behavior, the remaining 98% is in the power of the subconscious, and all attitudes and scenarios lie there. And no logical analysis and decisions made that "never again …" do not work. What is the way out? This is where therapy is very helpful. Just as you can't see your face without a mirror, you can't deal with your cockroaches without a competent therapist. Therapy provides an opportunity to look inside yourself, question the postulates of our subconscious and restore your personal integrity and support.

When a woman really loves and accepts herself, she does not need to adjust and play roles, in order to be appreciated, she herself already values herself and values highly. Her thoughts and desires are more important to her, and not the expectations of others and the rules. And such a woman radiates strength, self-confidence, good mood and a desire to be with her, to get to know her. A strong and successful man also wants to admire his woman …

There is another trap, in which happy relationships are dying and it sounds like this - if I love you, then you must:

- to call on time;

- Take care of me;

- guess my desires;

- want me, but do not insist;

- to be friends with my friends and respect my family, and many, many different "must", which are not in simple communication with another person.

Where does this trap come from? Again, from smart books and "Mom said …", our ideas about how relationships should develop correctly, and what signs of behavior in men in love with serious intentions (it sounds like what symptoms are needed to make a diagnosis)))))) … And when something goes wrong, there is a lot of anxiety inside, because thoughts appear that everything is crumbling. And indeed the relationship begins to deteriorate, but not because of the wrong algorithm, and because of the female tension.

As experience shows, in wildlife there are no straight lines and ideal order, as in a museum. Living relationships are always creativity and new discoveries. They are not "white and fluffy", but alive and real. These are ordinary people, not gods. They have a whole range of feelings (negative ones too), they have their own needs and desires, their own opinions, which they do not hesitate to express. They allow themselves to be wrong and to be wrong to their partner. Here it is important to work not on relationships, but on your own perfectionism.