2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There was a time when I didn't know how to get angry. That is, people. In a rage, kick a jammed door or yell at a cat - you are always welcome. But how you should defend your boundaries in a relationship with another person with the help of anger - no way. Feelings boiled in me, eaten away at me from the inside, but, alas, as a rule, remained unexpressed. Now everything is different, but in order to change the situation I had to go through a very difficult path. And the first step on this "yellow brick road" is admitting that I have the right to be angry. This is probably the hardest part. The fact is that in our culture, one way or another, there is a ban on the so-called "negative emotions". Many of my clients are absolutely convinced that anger is a bad feeling, and only bad people experience it. Or, for example, that in a good relationship there is no place for conflict and people who truly love each other should not swear. Because of these attitudes, many of us deliberately forbid ourselves to get angry in order to maintain a positive self-image. It took me a lot of time and effort to form the belief that I can feel anger, anger, irritation, and this does not make me a terrible person.
But this is just the beginning, albeit a very important one. The fact is that as a result of the early ban on "negative" emotions, a kind of psychological block arises, which does not allow to be aware of the feeling experienced or makes the awareness delayed. For example, when, in the process of interacting with another person, something happened that touched me, I could not adequately respond, because I did not even realize that I was angry right now. But there were many manifestations that it was difficult for me to understand and name in one word: my hands were trembling, my head was splitting, my heart was pounding, and in the end I felt completely exhausted. This is due to the fact that two differently directed processes were simultaneously taking place in me: I was angry and restrained my anger. Imagine that your faucet is ripped off and water under pressure is whipping upward, and you are struggling to stop it. It takes a lot of effort, doesn't it? So it is here - a colossal amount of energy is spent on containment. It is noteworthy that I was not even aware of this inner struggle, just after some conversations I felt crushed or felt that for some unknown reason I want to meet with some people less often. Accordingly, the second step is to start tracking your anger in real time. Observe yourself, notice how your anger manifests itself, what it does with your body, thoughts, learn to recognize it. If you cannot do this on your own, the services of a psychologist will be very useful. During consultations, he will be able to help you stop at the moment of emotional tension and identify actual feelings. After that, it will be possible to move on to the third step - reacting.
A person who openly expresses his anger often causes condemnation, he can be called intemperate, inadequate and even nutty. This attitude is generally manipulative and aims to induce guilt for the "inappropriate" reaction and self-shame. It is these feelings that most often block the expression of anger. Moreover, many sincerely believe that by being openly angry with a loved one, they will ruin and then lose their relationship with him, so they continue to hide feelings inside themselves. However, the trouble is, if anger is not expressed, this does not mean at all that it is not there and it does not affect the relationship. Remember your experience when you perfectly saw that someone was angry with you and did not understand why. Or a mountain of claims accumulated over months and years suddenly fell out on you, about which you had no idea. Not very nice, right? That is, I want to say that you were probably on the other side of hidden anger and you know from your own experience how it can create tension in relationships between people.
It is important to remember that anger is a natural reaction of our psyche to violation of boundaries. This is a kind of signal that what is happening is unsafe for us and it is time to defend ourselves. By ignoring these signals, any of us runs the risk of being in a situation of violence. It took me a long time to learn to look at anger as a natural part of my life. And, here's the paradox, the better I manage to express dissatisfaction, irritation and even anger in time, the less they remain inside me. Because they no longer accumulate, forming impassable heaps of toxic emotional waste, ready at any moment to fall on the head of some unfortunate person. Frankly, it helps a lot in relationships)) And most importantly, by openly expressing my feelings, I allow people to get to know me better. And I no longer need to be afraid of exposing my "evil essence", which I sincerely wish you too;)
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