When It's Not Safe To Forgive. Narcissists And Clarifying Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I ask you to forgive

As if to let the bird go into the sky.

I ask you to forgive

Today, once and for all.

"I love," you said to me, And they heard this in the garden flowers, I will forgive, what if flowers

They will never be able to forgive.

And memory is sacred

Like a reflection of a high fire

Forgiveness, forgiveness

Now don't ask me … (c) Robert Rozhdestvensky

Now the topic of forgiveness is being raised more and more. Many psychology resources publish articles, the main idea of which is to “forgive and let go of the offense”, and then it is promised that many problems will resolve by themselves, chronic diseases will heal, and in general “the wolf will lie down next to the lamb” and everyone will be fine. Orthodox Christian publications are not lagging behind either. Forgiveness is generally described there as “forgiveness is the most resourceful and productive direction of our soul, it allows us to heal relationships that have deteriorated due to our weakness,” that is, the blame is shifted onto the person who was offended - “such a muddlehead, turned out to be weak and allowed the insult to enter soul.

Many years ago, when I was just starting to study psychology and was not quite psychologically mature, this topic of forgiveness helped me a lot. Forgive the girlfriend, from whom I was waiting for a call, or the shop assistant, who did not immediately hear the question. Over time, it became clear that there was no point in being offended in such stories. Respect for the interests of oneself and others has come, everyone has the right to do their own thing, or they can think about it and not hear the question.

At some point in my life, I began to analyze my deep traumas and began to try to forgive offenders and build healthy boundaries. I was young and optimistic. Forgiveness seemed simple - "sit on chairs opposite each other, talk and everything will resolve and there will be no scar", then build respectful and even boundaries and that's it! As Lewis Smedes wrote, "When we sincerely forgive, we release the prisoner and then discover that the prisoner that was released was ourselves."

Everything worked fine until I came to the analysis of the narcissists who hurt me with this theory. First of all, it turned out that the daffodils happily enter into the conversation, but the clarification of the relationship and forgiveness, well, certainly does not come. The conversation becomes hellishly endless. I talked to the daffodil for three to four hours, almost approaching clarification. In the conversation, there was some kind of excitement, it seemed a little more and I could clarify, but no - almost reaching an important moment, the narcissist slipped to another or more often … switched to personal. "Well, what kind of psychologist are you if you have an extra kilogram and your eyes are not brown." I was losing the thread of the conversation, literally suffocating from the desire to prove that it had nothing to do with it, that there were no extra pounds. And when my strength and patience were almost exhausted, he skillfully inserted something that especially hurts me and everything ended in tears.

It was also very convenient to "twist" my words in the course of a conversation, to unfold them in a different angle, the words lost their meaning and this was said to me with a mockery, undermining my emotional state.

Others have embraced such attempts to clarify as new superb entertainment. The narcissist can hardly bear the boredom of loneliness, the emotions of others are a wonderful emotional "food" for him. As one friend of mine, a narcissist, confessed, “Seeing that I brought a person to tears and sobs is better than an orgasm. I am strong and able to influence others. " Over time, the narcissist's victim gradually becomes accustomed to his attacks and does not react to him as sharply and the narcissist has to be more and more violent in order to deprive the victim of his composure. When I tried to clarify the relationship, the narcis happily agreed with my suggestion to "communicate like adults and respect each other's boundaries and forgive each other." My joy was very great. My joy lasted for several days, just as long as it was necessary for me to relax and believe. Further, my boundaries were violated suddenly and harshly.

And of course, gaslighting was added. All my words about respect for borders were reformulated, twisted and imputed to me. At the slightest attempt to clarify what I said wrong, and it "seemed" to me. And the very idea of asking each other for forgiveness led to the fact that attacks on me became more frequent. An attempt at clearing up ended in even more trauma.

Forgiveness and clarification didn't work. So what works with daffodils?

First, awareness of your boundaries and strength. I collapsed very sharply when these people tried to push my boundaries. The pressure stopped only when they realized that I was strong and that I could reflect the blow at any moment.

Secondly, it helped a lot to be or pretend to be a "gray stone" - not to react to attacks, even if it clings emotionally. The narcissist becomes uninteresting with the victim, with whom it is impossible to drink emotions.

Of course, it is best to cut off any contact with the narcissist. This is the only thing that can stop emotional attacks. At the same time, when parting, daffodils may ostentatiously stop communicating, but they will periodically "ping" the victim, check whether it is possible to attack again. To do this, narcissists can periodically write to the victim, reminding them of themselves. A picture or someone else's pretentious verse from the Internet, a call with silence, some may "accidentally" end up in places where the victim often happens.

Narcissists are good at reading other people's emotions, they clearly calculate that they can return the victim and behave that way. Therefore, the victim is waiting for just such a "hook" of emotions that can influence her: a verse about love, a meeting on the street, in extreme cases a bouquet and an orchestra awaits the victim, in extreme cases there is also an "attempt" of suicide. Tears and strong emotions come as a bonus.

But what about forgiveness? How to forgive a narcissist? All this hellish talk, attacks and unthinkable illogical cruelty? Awareness can help: the narcissist is who he is and cannot be changed. You can try to convince the cobra not to attack you, but the words will be useless. The narcissist's feelings cannot be reached. The option "I will tell him how it hurt" will be perceived by the narcissist with great pleasure. That means he "managed" and will be the best tactic.

It is important to realize that the narcissist does not need clarification, he is fine anyway. Clarification can lead the victim to understand and slip away, so the narcissist will try to leave things as they are.

Forgiveness does not work in its Christian version of “both forgive debtors and forget”. A person who has forgotten about the characteristics of a narcissist is waiting for the next attack. Instead of the standard forgiveness, you can simply accept that the narcissist is like that and just move on, live your life, if possible, exclude the narcissist from it.

Psychotherapy will be of great help. Narcissists are well aware of what feelings to hook on, so that it was. Shame, guilt, insecurity can be their attack zone. And it is these zones that will be useful to work out in psychotherapy.