Don't Be A Victim

Table of contents:

Video: Don't Be A Victim

Video: Don't Be A Victim
Video: DUB INC - Don't be a victim feat Naâman (Official video) 2024, March
Don't Be A Victim
Don't Be A Victim
Anonim

1. How to recognize the victim in yourself and others

Victim psychology is a certain behavioral stereotype developed under the influence of fear. Fear can become entrenched as a result of psychological trauma from any situation experienced in childhood, not necessarily a consequence of parenting.

How does the victim behave? For example, if a girl walks alone through a quiet night courtyard and is afraid and hears footsteps from behind, clearly not female ones, then she begins to turn around and accelerate her step. Our "animal mind" often, regardless of our upbringing, perceives such a gesture as a signal to "catch up with me."

When you are asked to sit down and you say, "Thank you, I will stand," you behave like a victim. When a woman lives with a boyfriend who is not only not going to get married, but is not even eager to take her to the movies, but comes only at night, and she does not like it, but she endures - she is a victim. For this reason, he does not want to marry her.

When you are yelled at at work, and you have a loan, three small children and your wife is unemployed, so you are silent, clinging to work with all your might, you behave like a victim. The victim's behavior consists of unconscious, almost uncontrollable little things that provoke the opponent to aggression.

If you delve into a person's childhood with the psychology of a victim, then, most likely, it turns out that they did not reckon with him, did not pay attention to his merits and achievements, but poked at his shortcomings. In addition to fear, a person with the psychology of a victim feels resentment and humiliation.

Sometimes this leads to the fact that with weaker people he can behave rather harshly: he needs to win back on someone, get satisfaction. The main problem of the victim is that she lives without getting pleasure from life: she has the philosophy of a survivalist, she constantly thinks about how not to run into problems. But when a person thinks about possible problems, he "attracts" them to himself.

At school, they usually stick to those children whose insecurity is betrayed by gestures and posture, they walk hunched over, with their socks inward, clutching a portfolio to themselves. Another distinguishing feature of the victim is that she often tries to please everyone, never refuses to anyone and does a lot to her own detriment.

I will tell you one scene in which the victims recognize themselves. You are a young healthy man and you are on the subway. You are very tired, travel far, and you want to sit. You sit down, but a grandmother stands in front of you, who with her bag starts literally poking you in the face. After a while, you give way to her. “Why am I a victim in this case? - you object. - I may want to give her a place, because I am decent and I was brought up like this - to give in to the elderly.

If you really want to give in to your grandmother, then you are not a victim, I will not even argue. The victim is the one who does not want to give in because he was tired, but in the end he got up. The first thing that woke up in you is a feeling of guilt for the fact that you are sitting, and she is standing.

Second, being dependent on the opinions of other people, you begin to look at yourself through the eyes of these people traveling with you, and think: "Here is a bastard, I, young, am sitting, and a poor woman is dying right before our eyes." You feel ashamed. And now you give way to her.

How could you have done otherwise? - you ask. That's how. The old woman is hardly deaf and dumb, and if she needs to sit down, she will say: "Make way for me." But the old woman does not ask, she is proud and believes that they themselves should yield to her. However, no one owes anything to anyone. Therefore, she should have asked - after the request, few people refuse.

But if, without waiting for this, you yourself run ahead of the locomotive and, even being mortally tired, fly out of your place like a traffic jam, catching the eye of a disgruntled old woman, then you are a victim, this is a fact.

2. How to communicate with the victim

- How to behave with a person in whom the victim is clearly guessed in order to help him?

- You have to behave the way you want. No need to help him. If you start doing something to the detriment of yourself, then you have the same problem as his. It is worth accepting a person as he is. Don't criticize. You can support him. It is worth remembering that people are animals. They often provoke to behave with them in a certain way.

You have probably heard the story about the tiger Amur and the goat Timur: the goat, which was thrown into the tiger's enclosure as live food, was not used to being afraid of someone and calmly went to the predator to get acquainted, and then took his house. That is, he behaved like a leader. And for several days the tiger did not touch him.

Victim's vocabulary: “Oh, forgive me, please, won't I bother you? Nothing, will it be convenient for you? I don't take up a lot of space? It is these constant apologies from victims that encourage people to behave aggressively with them.

3. How not to grow a victim out of a child

- How to behave with a child if you notice signs of victim behavior in him? For example, does he apologize too much and hesitate to take the last candy from the table? How to explain that there is polite behavior, but there are excesses?

- The border between polite behavior and the behavior of the victim is easy to detect: the second begins when a person does something against his will. For example, when a child wants the last candy, but refuses, this is bad.

If a child has normal self-esteem and considers himself good, he does not see anything reprehensible in taking candy. He thinks he is right. It is important for yourself to be right, and not in comparison with the norm of social behavior for evaluating other people.

Parents do not have to indulge him at the table, they can correct his behavior, say that there is no more sweets today or that he could share this candy - this is normal. The main thing, again, is that the child does not run in front of the locomotive and does not give up in advance what he wants. This is the psychology of the victim, and you have to explain it to him.

Once I was visiting a relative from Canada, there were three children at the table, and just the last piece of candy was left. The father of the family without a twinge of conscience took it and said golden words: "They will still eat their own, we will die before."

You cannot frighten children with a policeman who will take them away and other nonsense. No need to pull them back in the spirit of "oh, what have you done, because of this, such a horror can happen!". You should always take their side, even when they are wrong.

But the most important and most difficult thing is not to be a victim yourself. The fears of adults are transmitted to children, so if you do not want your child to be a victim, behave confidently around him. Imagine what children see and hear of people who are constantly complaining. After all, they listen to telephone conversations, see how their parents communicate with other people in public places, and believe that this is how it should be.

My daughter somehow wanted to go to Disneyland, I promised her, and we drove off. There I saw a huge scary "roller coaster" on which the trailer hangs for a few seconds in a loop and the passengers find themselves upside down. I looked at him and thought: "Why did I come at all …", then I decided that we must take a ride, since we came, because if my daughter understands that dad is afraid of something, she will also start to be afraid.

Don't let fear take over. If you are involved in an accident, by all means, as soon as you can, get behind the wheel and go to the scene. Was there an emergency landing? Take a new ticket immediately and fly. In Israel, when a bus is blown up again, a huge crowd of people gathers at the bus stop after a while - they all want to take the bus again to overcome the panic.

- My daughter is 14 years old. Probably, I was too categorical with her, and I see the features of a victim in her, there is no self-confidence in her. But I raised her the same way my mother raised me. When I asked my mother to evaluate my work, she said that I could have done better, and I notice the same thing in myself. Is there anything you can fix now?

- You behaved as best you could. You make mistakes in communicating with children, not because you did not go to my lectures before giving birth, but because you are such a person and you have such a psychology. And your mom is also not to blame for her parenting style.

As for this “you could have done better” - keep in mind: a parent criticizes a child, a husband, a wife, and so on for only one reason: when we belittle the successes of a neighbor, we strive to raise our self-esteem. When we say “you can do better,” we position ourselves as if we can definitely do better.

The problem is not how to behave with the child, but how to change your psychology in order not to behave like that anymore. This is a separate complex topic. Everyone wants a quick recipe, but there isn't one. It is not so easy to get rid of your neuroses, your insecurities, ambitions and complexes that make you tell your child that he can do better.

You need to strive for a state of unconditional love, that is, to such a state when you love your child, regardless of how well he is in school, what he is and how he behaves. So that the child is not tied to your assessment, so that there is no situation in which, if he received a deuce, he is bad and you do not seem to love him, but if there is a five, then everything is fine.

Because this addiction is entrenched and leads to problems in adulthood. You can be happy or worried about his grades and talk about it to your child, but grades should not be the yardstick of your relationship. In general, take care of yourself first, break the behavioral stereotype that your mother developed in your childhood.

4. What to do if you are a victim

- From early childhood, I had a difficult relationship with my parents, and although now communication with them is minimized, when interacting with them, I instantly begin to behave like a victim. That is, I try to do whatever I want to be good. I have similar behavior in dealing with other people. How to get rid of this?

- The most important thing is to solve the problem with the parents. Once you do this, it will be much easier to correct communication with others. First, you must outgrow your parents. Because while you communicate with them the way a child communicates with an adult, you drag children's stereotypes with you and react to your mother's call as if you are five years old and events are taking place in the senior group of a kindergarten. No matter how much time passes, these stereotypes will persist.

And if you meet a man who will evoke "childish" emotions in you, he will evoke childish behavior in you. The same will happen with colleagues and with bosses at work. In order for your parents to start reckoning with you and perceive you as an adult, you must begin to communicate with them as an adult - with older people, and not as a child with a mother and grandmother. It is not simple. It is necessary to force them to communicate on their own terms: "I love you, but I will not talk to you about this and this."

- When I try to control my behavior and not "slide down" to the victim, I notice that it is impossible to control for a long time. How to be?

- It is useless to control, because a person has two hemispheres, and together they do not function: you either worry or think. The victim's behavior is behavior that is brought to an automatic state. An example from school: when a rabbit sees a boa constrictor, it has a muscle spasm, it becomes numb, and the boa constrictor eats it.

This is because, through the ancestors of the rabbit, the brain's reaction to the outline of the snake was transmitted. If at that moment someone could stick a needle in the rabbit's leg, he would die and run, but only there is no one in the forest. Likewise, no one can stick a needle in a person when he begins to behave like a victim, so he works out a child's behavioral stereotype from beginning to end. Trying to control it means trying to rationally solve emotional problems.

There are several rules to help you overcome victim psychology: try to do only what you want, not do what you don’t want, and you should speak up right away if you don’t like something.

Because victims never speak right away, they love to cherish this feeling of resentment inside so that they explode in a year. If you start to follow even the first rule, your behavior will already begin to rebuild. But for this you will have to stop thinking, for example, about what people will think if you will lose loved ones if you start doing what you want, but this is your life and you decide.

- If a person was raised in childhood as an “exemplary” victim, what can help him? Psychotherapy, auto-training, pills?

- You can try to help yourself on your own, if it doesn't work out, then you should contact a psychotherapist. I am skeptical about auto-training, because, as you know, no matter how much you say "halva", your mouth does not become sweeter.

Tablets should be used only when psychosomatic symptoms appear: hand tremors, sweating, flushing of the skin, arrhythmia, tachycardia, hypertension, gastritis, pancreatitis and other problems with the pancreas and stomach, irritable bowel syndrome, hormonal changes, problems with neurotransmitters, etc. Further.

In such cases, when your behavior is already pathological, that is, it begins to interfere with the work of internal organs, it is worth going to a psychiatrist for pills.

As long as the problems are only at the behavioral level, you can train yourself to overcome your fear. For example, at one time I taught myself to walk in dark courtyards at night.

My daughter served in the Israeli army and one time they had a meeting with a woman who went through the camps. She began to tell them about gas stoves, and suddenly the soldiers who were listening to this interrupted her and began to say: “Why did you behave like sheep - they cut you, and you yourself fell into a ravine? You dug your own graves, undressed yourself and went into these gas chambers - why are you telling us all this?"

To be honest, I was taken aback, because I am a Soviet person, for me this topic is sacred, and I did not understand how it was possible to enter into an argument with such a woman. But Israeli youth, unlike this European Jewess from Germany, have a different psychology: they have no fear. They said that if this happened to them, they would certainly have taken two or three fascists with them on the way to the gas chambers, because even with your bare hands you can kill several people until you yourself are killed.

These people have a completely different psychology than those who dutifully went to death. When you live and are not afraid, you are freed up a lot of emotional resources, because 90% of the victim's emotions are spent on guessing whether to expect an attack from a potential executioner, and trying to figure out how to avoid possible problems.

Many people have paralyzed not only their will - they do not even have the idea that something can be corrected.

- What to do for those in whom the psychology of the victim is expressed through authoritarian, aggressive behavior? I was born in a small Siberian town where everyone, even girls, fought, and I was always afraid of being beaten.

Childhood passed, and I began to notice that in business negotiations, God forbid anyone to enter into an argument with me - I immediately have a desire to bite and crush my opponent. I am worried that I have many chances to marry a henpecked or raise a henpecked child.

- Many people take a defensive position, worrying in advance that they will be humiliated. In Russia, in principle, people do not smile on the streets for this reason: everyone has become accustomed to aggression since childhood and, just in case, make a “brick face” so that no one pesters.

Although people experienced in street fights, on the contrary, believe that such a facial expression is a sign of weakness, confident people behave in a relaxed and very calm manner. People who are aggressive in advance are also trying to control everyone.

To get rid of this, you must again get rid of fear, learn to let go of the situation and not speak until you are asked. It’s hard to keep silent at the same negotiations until the word is given, but as a result, you will be released.

Try, as the athletes say, skipping a beat that you may not be responding to. The more you can skip, the longer you pause, the more confident you will respond. We shout at children for fear that they will cease to obey, and at work we shout, because until you take all subordinates by the throats, they will not start working, right?

People who are not afraid of anything, do not try to build anyone, they know that the situation is under control, and if something does not go according to plan, they will be able to deal with it.

5. Victim and family relationships

- Does a man raise his hand to a woman only if she behaves like a victim?

- Not necessary. But if a woman is not a victim, this will be her last experience with this man.

- Over the past few years, I have met the same type of men who tell me the same thing - about how their wife nags them, how hard it is at work and how she eats their time, how everyone around them offends them, but, when they met me, they realized that this was fate, now their problems will be solved and I will save them. Moreover, such a man can be quite successful, look good, his name in society can be significant. What's the catch?

- Many boys had a cruel authoritarian or cold authoritarian or controlling mother. Growing up, men are drawn to women who remind them of their mother - this does not mean that you are, but men definitely read something in you.

Such men toil because they need a "tough female hand", but the women they like need a partner with whom they can be weak, this does not happen, and this is unnerving. The only way to protect yourself from a relationship with the wrong partner is to disappear after the first disturbing phrase like "I feel so bad …".

- My husband tells me that I have victim behavior: I am constantly trying to get attention and get care. Am I a victim?

- If you constantly complain, then your husband is absolutely right. This way of communication also exacerbates the situation. Some neurotics have a big problem: for them love is combined with a sense of self-pity.

Let's say a little girl loves her dad, and he behaves aggressively, always comes home drunk, but she still loves him and at the same time is afraid. She feels sorry for herself, because her beloved dad communicates with her like that, and this self-pity for her is love.

When such a child grows up, he builds relationships with other people in such a way that, as a result of their behavior, one can feel offended and complain - and complaints are the essence of the relationship with the husband.

- You say you need to do only what you want so as not to be a victim. But how then not to turn the family into a sports school in which everyone is fighting for the last candy? Where is the line between generosity and conformism and the moment when you begin to yield to another, not because he has the right to defend his interests, but because you began to behave like a victim?

- Maybe I am a maximalist, but I am for you to do it based on your own need. For example, there is one candy, and I adore my wife so much that I really want her to eat it - in this situation, there is simply no line beyond which the victim's behavior begins. Either you want her to eat it, and you give in to her, or you just got married unsuccessfully.

Another example: at home there is a pile of unwashed dishes, you both come home from work tired. You can agree in advance about who washes the dishes, or you can love your husband so much that your hands will reach for the dishes themselves. Of course, no one wants to wash the dishes - they want their husband not to wash them. You will say that this does not happen. It happens if your family is an equal relationship between two adults.

Another thing is that the victim is very rarely in such a relationship, because she will be looking for her “soul mate”. In fact, when a person is self-sufficient, he understands that independence is also happiness, only without love.

When both partners feel completely complete, they do not need anything from each other, and they understand that it is just good for them to live with each other. Then the dishes are washed together. But when a person has psychological problems, the relationship with the spouse is skewed.

- A person has a wife and children, but in marriage he is not very comfortable, and there is a relationship on the side. But he does not leave because of the children. Is the decision to stay a fatherly duty or a sacrifice gesture? If you act like “not a victim,” that is, only the way you want, will not all families fall apart?

- This rule - to live as you want - is applicable to any area of life. I feel sorry for my wife, I feel sorry for the children - people with neuroses always try to rationalize their ideological choices and come up with explanations for themselves.

The tragedy is that children live in a family in which mom and dad do not hug, do not kiss, the situation in the house is tense. This situation is humiliating for everyone: for a man who keeps in the family only because of an ephemeral sense of duty, for a woman who lives with a man who does not love her. So trauma awaits children in any case.

It's not for me to decide for you, but after a divorce, the condition of the children may be different. They can also feel relief, because their parents are no longer spouses, but simply mom and dad, and now they have nothing to share.

- I have a beloved woman, and during the time that we are together, we have accumulated a certain amount of claims to each other and a feeling of mutual fatigue. I don't know whether I need to part with her, or stay, because I really love her very much. How can I solve this problem by removing the fear of losing a loved one from the equation and understanding what I really want?

- It is necessary for three months to clearly follow the following scheme: do not have sex (with others - please, with each other - no), do not discuss relationships - neither past, nor present, nor future - and not discuss each other. Everything else can be done: go on vacation together, go to the movies, go for a walk, and so on.

A period of three months is given in order for you to feel if you are better together or apart. So you can tell your girlfriend that you went to a psychologist and he gave you a recipe that can solve the problem.

If we talk about your situation in more detail, then your psychological instability is obvious. You are so psychologically arranged that, as Lenin wrote, you have one step forward - two steps back. Therefore, in order to get rid of problems in relationships globally and forever, you need to attend to the issue of your mental stability.

Recommended: