METHODS THAT USE THE ROCKER

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Video: METHODS THAT USE THE ROCKER

Video: METHODS THAT USE THE ROCKER
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METHODS THAT USE THE ROCKER
METHODS THAT USE THE ROCKER
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Psychopaths are not just villains from horror films and cautionary tales from Wall Street. We meet with them every day, and at first they seem to us to be ordinary people. One study found that a small but visible proportion of business leaders - 3-4% - fit the clinical definition of a psychopath

The same goes for daffodils. A scientific experiment has shown that a slight touch of narcissism can contribute to business success. But spend some time in any work environment and you will quickly notice that some professionals are unable to control their own vanity.

The crux of the problem is this: In your regular career, you will almost certainly run into some really unhealthy narcissists and psychopaths who will try to abuse and manipulate you. This is why the extremely detailed Thought Catalog article on this subject is so valuable.

Destructive people - carriers of malignant narcissism, psychopathy and antisocial traits - often demonstrate inappropriate behavior in relationships, as a result, exploiting, humiliating and offending their partners or partners, family and friends.

They use a variety of distracting maneuvers designed to misinform the victim and shift responsibility for what is happening.

These techniques are used not only by narcissistic personalities, but it is the dominant narcissists who use them especially often to avoid responsibility for their actions.

So, here are 20 distractions that unhealthy people use to humiliate and silence you.

1. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulative technique, which is easiest to illustrate with such typical phrases: "There was no such thing", "It seemed to you" and "Are you crazy?" Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulation techniques, because it aims to distort and undermine your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and as a result, you begin to question the legitimacy of your complaints of abuse and mistreatment.

When a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath uses these tactics against you, you automatically take their side to deal with the resulting cognitive dissonance. There are two irreconcilable reactions fighting in your soul: either he is wrong, or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the former is completely out of the question, and the latter is the pure truth, testifying to your inadequacy.

To successfully resist gaslighting, it is very important to find support in your own reality: sometimes it is enough to write down what is happening in a diary, tell friends or share with a support group. The value of outside support is that it can help you break out of the manipulator's distorted reality and see things for yourself.

2. Projection

One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person is chronically unwilling to see their own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called a projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to supplant responsibility for one's negative character traits and behavior by attributing them to someone else. Thus, the manipulator avoids admitting his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.

While we all use projection to some degree, clinical narcissistic specialist Dr. Martinez-Levy notes that narcissists often use projection as a form of psychological abuse.

Rather than admitting their own flaws, flaws and wrongdoings, narcissists and sociopaths prefer to blame their own vices on their unsuspecting victims in the most unpleasant and cruel way. Instead of admitting that it would be useful for them to take care of themselves, they prefer to instill a sense of shame in their victims, shifting responsibility for their behavior onto them. In this way, the narcissist makes others feel the bitter shame he feels about himself.

For example, a pathological liar might accuse his partner of lying; a needy wife may call her husband “sticky” in an attempt to make him dependent; a bad employee may call his boss ineffective to avoid talking truthfully about his own performance.

Narcissistic sadists love to play blame shifting. Objectives of the game: they win, you lose, the bottom line - you or the whole world are to blame for everything that happened to them. Thus, you have to nurse their fragile ego, and in return you are pushed into a sea of insecurity and self-criticism. Cool thought up, huh?

Solution? Do not "project" your own feelings of compassion or empathy onto a destructive person and do not accept their poisonous projections onto yourself. As manipulation expert Dr. George Simon writes in In Sheep's Clothing (2010), projecting one's own conscience and value system onto others can encourage further exploitation.

Narcissists at the extreme end of the spectrum tend to be completely uninterested in introspection and change. It is important to break off all relationships and connections with destructive people as soon as possible in order to rely on your own reality and begin to value yourself. You don't have to live in someone else's dysfunction cesspool.

3. Hellishly meaningless conversations

If you hope for thoughtful communication with a destructive person, you will be disappointed: instead of an attentive interlocutor, you will receive an epic brainwashing.

Narcissists and sociopaths use stream of consciousness, circle conversations, personalization, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you when you disagree or challenge them. This is done in order to discredit, distract and upset you, distract you from the main topic and make you feel guilty for being a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to be different from their own. In their eyes, the whole problem is your existence.

Ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist is enough - and you are already wondering how you got involved in this at all. You just disagreed with his ridiculous claim that the sky is red, and now all your childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle are mixed with mud. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is omnipotent and all-knowing, which leads to so-called narcissistic trauma.

Remember: destructive people are not arguing with you, they are, in fact, arguing with themselves, you are just an accomplice in a long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live for it. Trying to find an argument that refutes their ridiculous claims, you are only throwing wood on the fire. Don't feed the narcissists - better feed yourself the understanding that the problem is not with you, but with their abusive behavior. Stop communicating as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism, and spend that time doing something enjoyable.

4. Generalizations and unfounded statements

Narcissists do not always boast outstanding intelligence - many of them are not used to thinking at all. Instead of wasting time and sorting out different points of view, they make generalizations based on whatever you say, ignoring the nuances of your reasoning and your attempts to take into account different opinions. And it's even easier to put a label on you - this automatically negates the value of any of your statements.

On a broader scale, generalizations and allegations are often used to devalue phenomena that do not fit into baseless social prejudices, schemes and stereotypes; they are also used to maintain the status quo. Thus, one aspect of the problem is inflated to such an extent that a serious conversation becomes impossible. For example, when popular personalities are accused of rape, many immediately start screaming that such accusations are sometimes false. And, although false accusations do happen, they are still quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while a specific accusation is ignored.

Such everyday manifestations of microaggression are typical of destructive relationships. For example, you tell the narcissist that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response he immediately makes an unfounded statement about your hypersensitivity or a generalization like: "You are always unhappy with everything" or "You are not satisfied with anything at all," instead of paying attention to the actual problem. Yes, you may be hypersensitive at times - but it is equally likely that your abuser is numb and callous most of the time.

Do not deviate from the truth and try to resist unfounded generalizations, because this is just a form of completely illogical black and white thinking. Behind the destructive people who scatter unfounded generalizations, there is not all the richness of human experience - only their own limited experience, coupled with an inflated sense of self-esteem.

5. Perversion of your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity

In the hands of a narcissist or sociopath, your differences of opinion, legitimate emotions and real experiences turn into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.

Narcissists make up all sorts of fables, paraphrasing what you say so that your position looks absurd or unacceptable. Let's say you point out to a destructive friend that you don't like the way he talks to you. In response, he twists your words: "Oh, and we have you, then, perfection itself?" or "So you think I'm bad?" - although you just expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to revoke your right to thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you try to set boundaries.

This common distraction is a cognitive distortion called mind reading. Destructive people believe they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of listening carefully to you. They act accordingly based on their own illusions and delusions and never apologize for the harm they cause as a result. Great masters of putting words into someone else's mouth, they present you as carriers of completely wild intentions and opinions. They accuse you of considering them inadequate before you even comment on their behavior, and this is also a form of proactive defense.

The best way to draw a clear line when dealing with someone like this is to simply say, “I didn't say that,” ending the conversation if he continues to accuse you of things you didn't do or say. As long as the destructive person has the ability to shift the blame and divert the conversation away from his own behavior, he will continue to instill in you a sense of shame for the fact that you dared to contradict him in something.

6. Nagging and changing the rules of the game

The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the absence of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called "critics" don't have the slightest desire to help you become a better person - they just enjoy nagging, humiliating, and making you a scapegoat. Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths use the sophism called game-changing to ensure they have every reason to be constantly unhappy with you. This is when, even after you have provided all sorts of evidence to support your argument or have taken all possible steps to satisfy their request, they present you with a new demand or want more evidence.

Are you having a successful career? The narcissist will find fault with why you are still not a multimillionaire. Have you satisfied his need to be coddled around the clock? Now prove that you can remain "independent." The rules of the game will constantly change and can easily even contradict each other; the sole purpose of this game is to get you to seek the attention and approval of the narcissist.

By constantly raising the bar of expectations or even replacing them with new ones, destructive manipulators can instill in you an all-pervading sense of worthlessness and a constant fear of inadequacy. By highlighting one minor episode or one of your mistakes and inflating it to gigantic proportions, the narcissist forces you to forget about your own merits and instead worry about your weaknesses or shortcomings all the time. It forces you to think about new expectations that you will now have to meet, and as a result, you go out of your way to satisfy any of his requests - and in the end it turns out that he still treats you badly.

Do not get fooled by nagging and changing the rules of the game - if a person prefers to suck on some insignificant episode over and over again, while not paying attention to all your attempts to prove that he is right or satisfy his demands, then he is not motivated by a desire to understand you. He is driven by the desire to instill in you the feeling that you must constantly strive to earn his approval. Appreciate and approve of yourself. Know that you are a whole person and do not have to constantly feel ungrateful or unworthy.

7. Change of topic to avoid responsibility

I call this maneuver the "What-I-Syndrome?" This is a literal digression from the topic under discussion with the aim of shifting attention to a completely different one. Narcissists do not want to discuss their personal responsibility, so they lead the conversation in the direction they want. Do you complain that he does not devote time to children? It will remind you of the mistake you made seven years ago. This maneuver knows neither time nor thematic framework and often begins with the words: "And when did you …"

At the public level, these techniques are used to disrupt discussions that call into question the status quo. A conversation about gay rights, for example, can be thwarted if only one of the participants raises a question about another pressing issue, diverting attention from the original dispute.

As noted by Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, specificity is needed for proper consideration and resolution of issues - this does not mean that the topics raised along the way are not important, it just means that for every topic there is its time and its context.

Do not be distructed; if someone tries to substitute concepts, use the "stuck record" method, as I call it: keep repeating facts persistently without leaving the topic. Move the arrows back, say: “I'm not talking about that now. Let's not get distracted. " If it doesn't help, stop the conversation and channel your energy in a more useful direction - for example, find the interlocutor who is not stuck in mental development at the level of a three-year-old.

8. Latent and overt threats

Narcissists and other destructive individuals feel very uncomfortable when their belief that the whole world owes them, a false sense of superiority or colossal pride is questioned by someone. They tend to make unreasonable demands on others - and at the same time punish you for not meeting their unattainable expectations.

Instead of maturely resolving differences and seeking compromise, they try to deprive you of the right to your own opinion, trying to teach you to fear the consequences of any disagreement with them or non-compliance with their requirements. They respond to any disagreement with an ultimatum, their standard reaction is "do this, otherwise I will do this."

If, in response to your attempts to mark the line or express an excellent opinion, you hear an ordering tone and threats, whether they are veiled hints or detailed promises of punishment, this is a sure sign: you have a person who is sure that everyone owes him, and he will never go to compromise. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist that you are not joking: document them if possible and report them to the appropriate authorities.

9. Insults

Narcissists preemptively inflate an elephant from a fly, as soon as they sense the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their understanding, only they are always right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise, inflicts narcissistic trauma on them, leading to narcissistic rage. According to Dr. Mark Goulston, narcissistic rage is not the result of low self-esteem, but rather a belief in one's own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.

In the lowest of this type, narcissistic rage takes the form of insults when they fail to otherwise influence your opinion or emotions. Harassment is an easy and quick way to offend, humiliate, and ridicule your intelligence, appearance, or behavior, while simultaneously depriving you of the right to be a person with your own opinion.

Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. A well-founded point of view or convincing rebuttal suddenly becomes "funny" or "idiotic" in the hands of a narcissist or sociopath who feels hurt but has no substantive objection. Unable to find the strength to attack your reasoning, the narcissist attacks yourself, seeking in every possible way to undermine your authority and question your mental abilities. As soon as insults come into play, you need to interrupt further communication and make it clear that you do not intend to tolerate it. Don't take it personally: understand, they only resort to insults because they don't know any other way to get their point across.

10. "Training"

Destructive people teach you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disappointment, and disrespect. To this end, they, as it were, accidentally make derogatory statements about your qualities and properties, which they themselves once admired, and also sabotage your goals, spoil your holidays, vacations and weekends. They can even isolate you from friends and loved ones and make you financially dependent on them. You, as Pavlov's dogs, are essentially "trained", developing in you a fear of doing everything that once made your life rich.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and other destructive individuals do this to divert all attention to themselves and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely and completely controlling your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be in the spotlight all the time. During the idealization phase, you were the center of the narcissist's world - and now the narcissist should be the center of your world.

In addition, narcissists are inherently pathologically jealous and cannot stand the thought that something can shield you even a little from their influence. For them, your happiness represents everything that is not available to them in their emotionally meager existence. After all, if you find that you can receive respect, love, and support from someone who is non-destructive, what will keep you from parting with them? In the hands of a destructive person, "training" is an effective way to get you to tiptoe and always stop halfway to your dream.

11. Libel and harassment

When destructive individuals cannot control how you perceive yourself, they begin to control how others perceive you; they take on the role of a martyr, making you destructive. Slander and gossip is a preemptive strike designed to destroy your reputation and tarnish your name so that you have no support left in case you decide to end the relationship and leave a destructive partner. They may even stalk and harass you or someone you know, ostensibly to "expose" you; this “exposure” is just a way to hide your own destructive behavior by projecting it onto you.

Sometimes gossip hardens two or even entire groups of people against each other. A victim in a destructive relationship with a narcissist is often unaware of what is being said about her as long as the relationship lasts, but usually the whole truth comes out when it falls apart.

Destructive people will gossip behind your back (and in your face too), tell nasty things about you or your loved ones, spread rumors that portray you as an aggressor, and they will be a victim, and ascribe to you exactly such actions, accusations of which on your part most of all feared. In addition, they will methodically, covertly and deliberately offend you in order to then cite your reactions as proof that they are the "victim" in your relationship.

The best way to counteract libel is to always be in control and stick to the facts. This is especially true for conflicting divorces with narcissists, who can deliberately provoke you in order to then use your reactions against you. Whenever possible, document any form of harassment, intimidation, and abuse (including online), and try to communicate with the narcissist only through your lawyer. When it comes to harassment and intimidation, you should contact law enforcement; it is advisable to find a lawyer who is well versed in narcissistic personality disorder. Your honesty and sincerity will speak for themselves when the mask begins to creep from the narcissist.

12. Love bombing and devaluation

Destructive people take you through the idealization phase until you fall for the bait and start a friendship or romance with them. Then they begin to devalue you, expressing contempt for everything that initially attracted them to you. Another typical case is when a destructive person puts you on a pedestal and begins to aggressively devalue and humiliate someone else who threatens his sense of superiority.

Narcissists do this all the time: they scold their exes in front of new partners / partners, and over time they begin to treat new ones with the same disdain. Ultimately, any partner of a narcissist will experience the same things as the previous ones. In such a relationship, you will inevitably become another ex, whom he will vilify in the same way with his next girlfriend. You just don't know it yet. Therefore, do not forget about the love bombardment method if your partner's behavior with others is in stark contrast to the sugary sugaryness that he displays in his relationship with you.

As personal growth instructor Wendy Powell advises, a good way to resist love bombing from someone you think is potentially destructive is to take your time. Keep in mind that the way a person speaks about others can portend how they will one day relate to you.

13. Preventive defense

When someone strenuously emphasizes that he (s) is a "good guy" or "good girl", they immediately start saying that you should "trust him (her)", or for no reason at all assures you of his honesty - be careful.

Destructive and abusive individuals exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you must "trust" them without first creating a solid foundation for that trust. They can skillfully "disguise" themselves, portraying a high level of compassion and empathy at the beginning of your relationship, only to then reveal their true identity. When the cycle of violence reaches the stage of devaluation, the mask begins to creep, and you see their true nature: terribly cold, callous and dismissive.

Truly good people rarely have to constantly boast of their positive qualities - they rather exude warmth than talk about it, and they know that actions are much more important than words. They know that trust and respect is a two-way street that requires reciprocity, not constant suggestion.

To counter preemptive defenses, consider why the person emphasizes their good qualities. Because he thinks you don't trust him - or because he knows he isn't trustworthy? Judge not by empty words, but by deeds; it is the actions that will tell you whether the person in front of you matches the one for whom he claims to be.

14. Triangulation

Referring to an opinion, point of view, or the threat of attracting an outsider into the dynamics of communication is called "triangulation." A common technique for asserting the correctness of a destructive individual and devaluing the reactions of his victim, triangulation often leads to the emergence of love triangles in which you feel defenseless and unbalanced.

Narcissists love to triangulate mate / mate with strangers, coworkers, ex-spouses, friends, and even family members to create jealousy and insecurity in them. They also use the opinions of others to validate their point of view.

This maneuver is designed to divert your attention from psychological abuse and present the narcissist in a positive image of a popular, desirable person. Plus, you start to doubt yourself: since Mary agrees with Tom, it turns out that I am still wrong? In fact, narcissists are happy to "retell" the nasty things to you, supposedly told about you by others, while they themselves say nasty things behind your back.

To counter triangulation, remember that whoever the narcissist triangulates you with is also triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist. Essentially, the narcissist is in charge of all roles. Answer him with your own "triangulation" - find the support of a third party beyond his control, and do not forget that your position also has value.

15. Lure and pretend to be innocent

Destructive individuals create a false sense of security so that it is easier for them to demonstrate their cruelty. It is worth such a person to drag you into a meaningless, accidental quarrel - and it will quickly turn into a showdown, because he does not know the feeling of respect. Small disagreements can be bait, and even if at first you hold back as a matter of courtesy, you will quickly realize that it is driven by a malicious desire to humiliate you.

By "luring" you in with a seemingly innocent comment disguised as a rational argument, they begin to play with you. Remember, narcissists know your weaknesses, unpleasant phrases that undermine your self-confidence, and sore topics that open old wounds - and they use this knowledge in their wiles to provoke you. After you swallow the profit whole, the narcissist will calm down and will innocently ask if you are “okay”, assuring that he “didn’t want” to resent your soul. This feigned innocence catches you off guard and leads you to believe that he was not really going to hurt you until it starts happening so often that you can no longer deny his apparent malice.

It is advisable to immediately understand when they are trying to lure you in order to stop communication as soon as possible. Common luring techniques are provocative statements, insults, hurtful accusations, or unsubstantiated generalizations. Trust your intuition: if a phrase struck you as something “wrong”, and this feeling did not go away even after the interlocutor explained it, perhaps this is a signal that you should take your time to comprehend the situation before reacting.

16. Checking the boundaries and tactics of the vacuum cleaner

Narcissists, sociopaths, and other destructive individuals constantly check your boundaries to figure out which ones can be violated. The more violations they manage to commit with impunity, the further they will go.

This is why people who have experienced emotional and physical abuse often face even more abuse whenever they decide to return to their abuser.

Abusers often resort to “vacuuming tactics”, as if “sucking” their victim back with sweet promises, fake remorse and empty words about how they can change, only to subject her to new bullying. In the sick mind of the abuser, this check of boundaries serves as punishment for trying to resist violence, as well as for returning to it. When the narcissist is trying to start from scratch, strengthen the boundaries even more, rather than retreat from them.

Remember, manipulators don't respond to empathy and empathy. They only react to consequences.

17. Aggressive injections disguised as jokes

Hidden daffodils love to tell you nasty things. They pass them off as "just jokes," as if they reserve the right to make disgusting comments while maintaining an innocent calm. But once you get angry with rude, unpleasant remarks, they accuse you of a lack of sense of humor. This is a common technique for verbal abuse.

The manipulator gives out a contemptuous grin and a sadistic gleam in his eyes: like a predator playing with prey, he takes pleasure in the fact that he can offend you with impunity. This is just a joke, right? Not this way. This is a way to convince you that his insults are just a joke, a way to shift the conversation from his cruelty to your supposed oversensitivity. In such cases, it is important to stand your ground and make it clear that you will not tolerate such treatment.

When you draw the attention of the manipulator to these hidden insults, he can easily resort to gaslighting, but continue to defend your position that his behavior is unacceptable, and if it does not help, stop communicating with him.

18. Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone

Denying and humiliating others is a destructive person's forte, and tone of voice is just one of many tools in his arsenal. Making sarcastic remarks about each other can be fun when it’s mutual, but the narcissist uses sarcasm solely as a way of manipulation and humiliation. And if it bothers you, then you are "overly sensitive."

It's okay that he himself throws tantrums every time someone dares to criticize his inflated ego - no, it is precisely the victim that is hypersensitive. When you are constantly treated like a child and challenged every single one of your statements, you develop a natural fear of expressing your feelings without fear of reprimand. This self-censorship saves the abuser from having to silence you because you are doing it yourself.

When faced with a condescending demeanor or patronizing tone, be clear about it. You don't deserve to be spoken to like a child, and even more so you don't have to keep silent for the sake of someone's megalomania.

19. Shame

"Aren `t you ashamed!" - a favorite saying of destructive people. Although it can also be heard from people who are quite normal, in the mouths of a narcissist and a psychopath, shaming is an effective method of combating all sorts of views and actions that threaten their undivided power. It is also used to destroy and nullify the victim's self-esteem: if the victim dares to be proud of something, then shaming her for that particular trait, quality, or achievement can lower her self-esteem and stifle any pride at the root.

Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths love to use your wounds against you; they may even make you feel ashamed of the hurt or abuse you have suffered, causing you new psychological trauma. Have you experienced childhood abuse? A narcissist or sociopath will tell you that you somehow deserve it, or brag about your own happy childhood to make you feel inadequate and worthless. What better way to offend you than to open up old wounds? As a doctor, on the contrary, a destructive person seeks to deepen your wound, not to heal it.

If you suspect that you are dealing with a destructive person, try to hide your vulnerabilities or long-standing trauma from him. Until he proves that he can be trusted, you should not give him information that can then be used against you.

20. Control

Most importantly, destructive people seek to control you in any way they can. They isolate you, manage your finances and social circle, and control every aspect of your life. But the most powerful tool in their arsenal is playing on your senses.

That is why narcissists and sociopaths create conflict situations out of the blue, so long as you feel insecure and unstable. That is why they constantly argue over little things and get angry over the slightest reason. That is why they emotionally withdraw, and then again rush to idealize you, as soon as they feel that they are losing control. That is why they oscillate between their true and false selves, and you never feel psychologically safe because you cannot understand what your partner really is.

The more power they have over your emotions, the harder it will be for you to trust your feelings and realize that you have been a victim of psychological abuse. By studying manipulative techniques and how they undermine your confidence in yourself, you can understand what you are facing, and at least try to regain control of your own life and stay away from destructive people.

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