HOW I DIVORCE MY MOTHER

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In my early youth, at my first job there was a man, about 40 years old, and he lived with his mother. At that time, I somehow condemned him and did not understand how you can live with your parents at such an age.

Over time, life has shown me one interesting law. I noticed that the situations for which I judged other people - inevitably happened to me. The Universe seemed to say - you condemn, then you don't understand and don't accept a person. Then experience for yourself what it is like to be so and so.

A simple example. As a teenager, I despised people who smoke and drink and even made a vow to myself that I certainly would not be like that. However, years passed and imperceptibly I myself became so and already in this dependent state I understood how these people suffer, how their soul hurts. And alcohol with cigarettes (like other drugs) is the only way to become even a little happier, relax and escape from painful reality. Only then I perfectly began to understand people who suffer, and I was able to turn this page of my life. This experience taught me to accept people with addictions and myself.

And, of course, since she condemned adults living with their parents, she did not avoid such an experience herself. Here I am over 30, no family, no man, and I live with my mother. Internally, I justify this state by economic benefits. It's easier for two, the money for renting a second apartment goes to our expenses. My mother is a wonderful woman and I love her very much, we communicate with her sincerely, and we understand each other. We lived very comfortably together. But, of course, both understood that something was not right about it and could not go on like this forever.

Somewhere on the Internet I found an article about separation from parents. At that time, I was just beginning to be interested in psychology and met my future husband, but it was very difficult for me to tear myself away from our heated cozy nest with my mother. This article offered a test - how ready you are for marriage. The bottom line was that they take any figures that represent themselves, parents and loved ones and place them around their figure. It is important not to know before starting how this test works and what is the point. Having placed the figures of mom, dad, future husband and brother around her, she began to read the interpretation. My mother stood close to me, my future husband was a little further away, my father was very far away, and my older brother was not far ahead.

The test result shocked me! A person is ready for marriage if the distance between him and the figures of his parents is about the length of an elbow! And my mother and I had a distance of 2 cm. Dad was far away, he let me go a long time ago, even when he divorced his mother. I took hold of my head! It turns out that the place of my potential husband was taken by my mother, and while this place is taken, no one can stand on it.

Further, it turned out that my mother and I were a family - something like a husband and wife. I was a psychological husband for her (I worked, earned money, communicated), and for me she was a wife who cleans, prepares food and creates comfort. And we lived quite harmoniously with her, except for one moment - none of us had a personal life. And how should she be? All the men’s seats are taken!

It also indicated at the time that a girl often cannot get married out of solidarity with her mother. Let's say mom and dad divorced. Dad cheated and went to another. Who's Daddy Now? Of course - a goat, a scoundrel, a traitor, and in general all men are like that. Mom, unconsciously from pain, begins to broadcast her life experience in all possible ways. The daughter, out of solidarity and love, shares her mother's pain and suffering. Although the betrayal of a man is not her own experience, she adopts her mother's experience and begins to avoid serious relationships with men. It was a story about our family. Thus, family scenarios begin to form. An even greater influence on the girl's life can be exerted by the fact that the same stories quite often happen to her friends and relatives (grandmothers, great-grandmothers).

When I threw off the article about separation to my mother, I was a little afraid that she would react negatively. But my mother was so moved by all this that she began to cry. She said that she had already begun to wonder why all the women of our family by their mothers (she, grandmother, great-grandmother) lived out their lives alone, did not love and even hated men. And that this trend worries her very much, because she wants me to live happily in marriage, and she also wants to improve her life.

We talked about this for a long time and came to the conclusion that we must part. But not in the sense of forgetting each other and turning away. This is simply impossible! We love and appreciate each other very much. Just bring our relationship to a new level - the level of freedom, respect, taking responsibility for our own lives.

The next day, my mother wrote me a letter by hand, in which she let me go and gave me the right to live my life, and herself - her own. The letter was large and very personal. It contained forgiveness, gratitude and blessing of our new life. Mom read aloud, and we cried, hugged. Then they took a pen and put the date and their signatures. After some time, I moved with peace of mind to my future husband. And my mother took over her life.

However, this was only the first step of awareness, separation and letting go. Since our habits, reactions, behavioral patterns change rather slowly, then for several more years we periodically had to analyze and work out the emerging unpleasant moments.

For example, my mother, who was used to receiving money from me for life (as from a man), completely relaxed, and then it suddenly became clear that she had to provide for herself. "The man left" the family. From her side, manipulations and playing at the poor thing started, first with me, and then with my husband. She tried to convince her son-in-law that if he loved her, he would support and pay for everything, otherwise he does not love her and is bad. However, in the opposite direction, this belief did not work. There was resentment and jealousy on her part, and on my part, a sense of guilt and shame. I realized that I was being used and devalued by everything I had ever done for her. As they say, no matter how hard I tried, I still remained bad and should - everything turned out to be not enough. My husband and I conveyed our feelings to my mother, she shared hers, I worked with a psychologist, she read articles on self-development, sometimes we swore, but then we made up.

As a result, step by step, in about three years, we came to the conclusion that everything fell into place. Mom finally realized that she herself is responsible for her life, and we will definitely help her if necessary. Her claims against us have come to naught. Our relationship with her has become even better than it was! I love her with all my heart. This is how my mother and I "divorced". We have become two free individuals who share our experiences and our most intimate, while respecting each other's path and choices. At the same time, I did not lose her, but found an even more loving, understanding, caring and independent mother. She developed her own personal interests, acquaintances, her own life and dreams. It wasn't easy, but our relationship has changed a lot.

Now I can say that I fully understand and accept adults living with their parents. After all, there is a reason for everything, they act in the best way for themselves at this moment in their lives. And I apologize to that man from work, who once did not understand and condemned him.

In order to grow and develop, it is very important for a person to be himself, to live separately, to build his life according to his own scenario. And parents can provide support, love, acceptance and also be happy, live their lives.

Thank you to the universe for such an interesting experience of knowing yourself! After all, all my difficult problems and situations led me to study psychology, coaching, RPT, Emotional-figurative therapy, methods of diagnosing purpose, inner growth and development, as well as the opportunity to share my difficult experience, and help people achieve the desired results much faster. Now in my arsenal there are many more effective tools that allow me to resolve such issues much faster.

If you do not have a personal life, or you are stuck in incomprehensible relationships with men, parents, I recommend that you draw your attention to generic and family scenarios, to your roles that you play with parents and partners, to background feelings and emotions with which you live a lot. part of life.

Recognizing scenarios, accepting and changing them is sometimes difficult. But they affect us very strongly. The first and most important step is awareness. Further, a desire is usually born to change the situation as quickly as possible. In order not to get stuck in the problem for years, seek help from professionals, this will save precious life time and start breathing deeply in the near future, and not in 5-10 years. Give it energy and attention, it's worth it.

By changing the subconscious programs, inner peace comes to life and the understanding that you and I are creating our own life. It's real, you just have to want and make an effort. By my personal example, I never cease to wonder how conscious attention to my own life, to repetitive unpleasant situations, events, work on my negative beliefs and attitudes - changes reality. With all my heart, I wish you such pleasant changes.