Family Or Couple: To Register A Marriage Or Not?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Family or a couple: to register a marriage or not? In the era of mass cohabitation without marriage registration, many men and women confidently believe that registering a family in a registry office is a senseless undertaking. They quite correctly point out that in our time, no legal formalities are required so that with a representative of the opposite sex:

- communicate;

- have sex;

- to live together;

- solve everyday issues;

- care about each other

- get pregnant, bring up and provide for children;

- earn, spend and save money, maintain a general budget;

- to acquire ownership of property by registering on both partners;

- to conduct a general labor activity (business, creativity, career, etc.);

- go out to people, spend leisure time, travel;

- visit relatives;

- make general plans for life. And much more!

💡 Indeed, all this is true! Now put yourself in the shoes of a psychologist (i.e. mine) when a woman comes to an appointment and starts complaining that her husband has another woman (sometimes already with a child from this man). She asks for help to end her husband's relationship with what she calls her "mistress." The woman who has turned herself also has a child from the given man, she lives with him for many years, but at the same time she herself has no formalized marriage relationship with him. That is, she is a conditional "wife". He considers himself a wife, but according to legal facts - no! and what they have family full-fledged she also thinks so. 💡

Please tell me what I see in front of me: a couple or family? And how should I relate to “my wife in words”, her complaints, requests and words? After all, a psychologist is not a hired militant who, for money, is set against the person whom they point the finger at. The psychologist is obliged to take into account all the factors and circumstances of history, the personalities of its participants, and most importantly, the current laws and canons of public morality. Who can I help here? For me, both women - and the so-called "wife" and the so-called "mistress" - are essentially equal !!! Where family, and where the mistress the question arises.

Which side should I take? The side of the one who called herself "wife" simply because she calls herself that? But I regularly deal with such situations: a woman who conventionally calls herself "wife" lives with a man for 5-10 years in a relationship, has children from him, while … the man is still married to a completely different woman, who also has there are children with whom he also communicates. And now there is also a "mistress"! But the problem is that the woman who defines herself as a “wife” who herself took a man out of another marriage 5-10 years ago is still a “mistress” for me! After all, not only is there no marriage with this man, but in fact, for some reason, he is still married to another! And for some reason she doesn't get divorced!

You can say: take the side of the woman who has a child from this man! But here's the trouble: both women may already have children from him … To take the side of that woman who has more children from this man? But every week I come across stories where the so-called “mistress” has more children from this man than the one who calls herself “wife” (for example, she successfully gave birth to twins and triplets, IVF now allows it) and that they have family.

Can take into account who gave birth to children earlier? Again, every month I work with couples, where the husband and wife cannot overcome the problems with infertility for years, and the mistress becomes pregnant the first time, ahead of the "wife". Or, even if the "wife" had a child earlier than the "mistress", then after all, this man could have had children from other women in others families, or he was already in his first or second marriage, also with children. Then, according to this logic, if someone once gave birth to a child from a man, he, without options, should be considered the husband of this woman for all his life. But here's the trouble: many so-called "wives without registration" themselves appeared in a man's life after other women and children …

To take the side of the woman who previously began to live together with this man? And if the "mistress" is a long-time ex-girlfriend of this man, already had the experience of living with him long before the appearance of the current "wife"? Or it also happens differently: a man simultaneously starts dating two or three women, regularly sleeping with both … Or periodically goes on long business trips to another city, in fact living with two women in equal situations. They can also get pregnant in one month. I have a lot of such stories …

💡 Maybe you should take into account the opinion of the parents of this man? Which side will they take? When a man is 30-40 years old, it's funny. Plus, I often see situations where the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law hate each other fiercely. As a result, the mother-in-law sincerely wishes her son to leave her disgusted daughter-in-law and start living with another woman and create a new one. family. With which this mother-in-law will then also enter into battle, but this will happen only later …

Consider which woman is better / more likely to have sex with? As a rule, "mistresses" win in this, otherwise there would be no need for them. With whom does a man communicate more sincerely? So usually with the one with whom sex is more often and brighter … With whom is he happier? So he actually, now and in the future, may be happier with his "mistress"! And with his "wife" he was happy, but for a long time, and as you know, one cannot live on old merits for a long time.

To take for "wife" the woman with whom the man bought property together, for example, housing? So all the time I deal with stories when a man lived 5-10-15 years with his "wife" in her apartment, and then bought his apartment only in his own name, or even in general - already with his "mistress".

I can continue to pose these reasonable questions indefinitely. There will be no correct answers. Moreover, these are the questions people asked themselves thousands of years ago, until they put an end to this issue, forcing and forcing men and women to finally determine themselves before society, carrying out a legally formalized (state, religious or public authority, etc.) marriage procedure … There are as many options for the ritual as you like, but the essence is the same: a man and a woman aloud call their choice of a sexual partner final and final, confirming this with their actions (wearing rings) and records in documents in the presence of other people. Only this ritual allows the rest of society to decide how to relate to the situation of the appearance in this pair of "third / second superfluous / th". Because only in this way the society will have an understanding, "who is to the right - who is to the left." Only in this way, the one who is the official wife can count on the support of society and the state, public opinion, finally, and a full-fledged and official family.

💡 It is known: to promise does not mean to marry. There can be any number of intentions. You can lick your lips at everyone around. You can create hundreds of pairs. And here family Is already a piece product. Hence, marriage is, first of all, the designation of a conscious final choice, the completion of a choice. Marriage is a commitment that a person makes meaningfully and forever. If this ritual ending of the choice did not happen, for everyone around it this means that the person has not taken on obligations. There can be as much love, sex, children and apartments in a given couple, but there is no final certainty and obligations. Alas and ah. Therefore, everyone else is in deep confusion as to how to react when cohabitants suddenly have other third-party cohabitants and sexual partners.

💡 They will tell me: registration families in the registry office - not a guarantee of its strength, and the marriage certificate is just a piece of paper. I absolutely agree with that! Moreover, I draw your attention to the fact that even the most important international treaties, any UN decisions and laws of any country are also just pieces of paper! They may not be executed, they are constantly violated, and they can be torn down and canceled. Nothing is eternal! But in any case, for some periods of time - sometimes for decades and centuries, they determine the life of people, allowing them to live in more or less understandable, stable, calculated and predictable conditions. When people can plan their tomorrow, proceeding from the fact that the same laws and agreements that exist today will operate in it.

Any laws and any agreements are just decisions of people. But at the same time, decisions are supported by the will of the society, the collective. Therefore, only the registration of marriage in the registry office allows society and the state to consider this decision of a man and a woman complete and stable, to see it in general! Registration of marriage in a special place creates conditions when people around consider it as a fait accompli, respect this decision, if only because they consider it to be valid, recorded in writing in front of witnesses.

It is known that life is a game. But any game is a game, not a chaos of actions and statements, just because it has rules; people are endowed with roles, statuses, and responsibilities. So the relationship between a man and a woman, especially the relationship around children, property and sex (with the risk of contracting deadly sexually transmitted diseases) is one of the most difficult games in our life. To lose in it, with surprise and indignation to learn that completely different people claim your status, but with a similar set of rights and arguments, is very insulting!

I wrote this article especially for those women who are mentally ready to have children from men without being married to them. This is a risky game. You can win or lose in it. Because a man who does not wear a ring on his finger (especially a successful one) attracts other women like a magnet. And they gladly take on the role of "liberators" of men from those women-their predecessors who, in their opinion, once "grabbed" this man, having given birth to him a child, but he heroically remained "unruly" and still did not marry … And now they will disenchant him and free him, endowing him with new happiness, and creating family … I hear this reasoning almost every day.

And we are not yet talking about how children feel when they grow up and cannot understand why their mom and dad are not husband and wife. And they don't see an example of how they themselves can build relationships with the opposite sex in the future …

To be familyor a couple, you decide! But still, I advise you not to deceive yourself with the opinion that "the institution of marriage is outdated" and still register your family … If you stand on your decision to the end and consider registering a relationship unnecessary, prepare arguments in advance that you are “more of a wife” than the one that will build relationships with your “husband”.