Female Resentment At Her Husband's Betrayal: How Not To Trip Yourself Up

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Every day, women come to me for consultation who have caught their husbands in long-term adultery, or from whom the husband left for another woman, or who themselves put him out the door with a suitcase, having learned about the presence of another woman in his life. A feature of female psychology is that 90% of women, no matter how they scuffle and curse at the moment of revealing infidelity, no matter how they renounced and swear that they will immediately and forever break off relations with their husband if they suddenly find out about his infidelity After some time, wives are very much afraid of being left alone and strive to preserve their marriage, to return their changed and departed husbands back.

This female panic from a possible future loneliness can be covered by anything: apartment or financial dependence on a man, the interests of the child (children), strong love, habit, sexual compatibility, fundamental unwillingness to give a successful husband to another woman, etc. But no matter what it is covered, usually, behind this lies the primitive unconscious fear of being left alone in the forest, alone with predators, genetically inherent in women. It works and will work even in the heads of financially very rich women from the elite of society, with high social status, apartments, cars and savings, support of wealthy parents, etc. At the same time, a woman may realize that her husband, who has changed or left, is dangerous for their child and herself, that he is an alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, bandit, sadist, parasite, etc., but will still grab him with both hands.

Only very intellectual, strong and principled women, or those who themselves have relationships with other, alternative men, or who have already faced severe violence from their husbands against themselves or children, can stop their unreasonable primal fear. But, as I said, only 10% of 100% of women are like that.

If it suddenly seems to you that Andrei Zberovsky is opposed to wives taking back their departed and unfaithful husbands, then this is absolutely not the case. As a psychologist, I am absolutely unambiguous in favor of restoring and strengthening families and for husbands and wives not to make those mistakes due to which chills, cheating and leaving families occur in families. But I also oppose two extremes in the process of returning husbands and reconciliation in the family. Extremity # 1 is when women take back unfaithful husbands without any disciplinary action against them, without discussing the situation, without developing a clear plan to improve family life. After which, of course, nothing improves and after a while everything repeats. And I talk and write a lot about this in my books and articles.

Now I want to speak out against the female extreme number 2 - the so-called female resentment. This is when, admitting some mistakes on her part, improving her behavior and achieving improved behavior on the part of her husband, a couple of weeks or months after reconciliation, having achieved her goal and seeing the stabilization of the situation, the woman suddenly mentally (and sometimes in reality) puts her hands sideways and begins to wind himself up and wind up according to approximately the following scheme (I quote typical phrases): “This bastard cheated on me, slept with another woman, was ready to leave me, and now I have to try in front of him and please him ?! Yes, maybe I myself am to blame for something! Yes, maybe I was too scandalous or did not devote enough time to my husband, did not give him sex, did not want to share his hobbies and hobbies, did not seek to find a common language with his relatives or friends! But all the same, he cheated on me, not him! And now I have to try to improve? Gotta change my wardrobe, gotta get slimmershould engage in various types of sex when I don't need it myself, should smile at his relatives and friends who were aware of his betrayal, should feed and drink him, should not remind him of the pain that I experienced, should keep myself in hands and give him more ?! And at the same time he just lives, as if nothing had happened … He also goes to work, also plays with the children and goes to bed with me … But won't he be fat ?! How I really hate his bastard !!! So I would give him with all her might, so that he knew! All this is dishonest and unfair! Fuck it! I will not try to please him either! Let him do what he wants to achieve my sincere warmth and joy, and I will not try harder in front of him! My female pride will not stand it !!!"

Having come to such thoughts and embittered, not so long ago, it would seem, with such difficulty and desire, the wife who returned her husband home again arranges scandals for him on the topic of past betrayal. Or he simply keeps silent, or cries, or begins to gloomily shy away from communication and sex. Thus, a woman either flatters her wounded female pride or simply flows with the flow, unable to cope with her psycho-emotional breakdown.

What does a woman get from this, what does it lead to? Having arranged a new "show flogging" after the family reconciliation, about a third of women actually get some kind of beneficial effect for themselves. The husband either again begins to apologize and give flowers and gifts, make compliments and drive to a cafe, or for a while does not demand anything from his wife, including, without demanding cleanliness in the apartment, delicious dinner and interesting sex. But, as a psychologist, I draw your attention to the following: And that third of men who, at the cost of their moral discomfort, seek to smooth over and alleviate the psychological discomfort of their wife and those two-thirds of men who, in a new family situation for themselves, either do nothing, or conduct a series of responses scandals and demonstrations of their "phi", come to the same idea: "Judging by the behavior of his wife, she so did not understand anything and did not forgive! It makes no sense to believe in her statements that she wants to save the family and make sure that we both feel good. It makes no sense to believe that she can change for the better or that she can forget all this and move on. She just deceived me! In vain I believed her, in vain I made the decision to return to the family! Both my mistress and friends told me correctly that you cannot glue a broken cup, that she does not ask and will always saw and plan me from now on. So it turns out that now we will continue to live only for the sake of the child (children), as we lived before. But then I ran away from all this formal family without communication, without sex and without smiles to my mistress, where everyone understood and accepted me! And now I am from my mistress, with whom it was so good for me to refuse, and my wife deceived me. Eh, I'm a fool, a fool … As they prophesied to me, so it all worked out! Now, all my life, for many years, my face will be dipped in my own shit … Horror! It turns out that if I do not want all this, I need to either try to restore relations with my mistress and still go to her. Or after some time, find a new suitable mistress, save up more money, in general, it is better to prepare for leaving your wife. And yet, to leave her no longer listening to her false words, that she understood everything, admits her mistakes, loves me and wants to save the family. I would love - I could forgive and forget! And since it tears me up and freaks out, it means there is no love and our family has no future!"

What does this mean for a woman? And the fact that even having coped with her momentary impulse, after a certain number of hours or days, having come to her senses and returned to the correct constructive behavior in the family, the wife risks getting an unpleasant aftertaste for herself. Her fly in the ointment promised to her husband, in the process of reconciliation, a barrel of honey of "family peace and harmony" can drastically worsen the situation. And the husband's lost faith in his wife can lead either to the restoration of his relationship with his former mistress, or to the emergence of a new one. Moreover, this husband will already have a strong immunity to those manipulations of his wife, which helped her to successfully return her husband to the family last time. And a new betrayal of her husband can lead to a departure that will already be fatal and the last.

What follows from all this? There are only three things to follow:

Firstly, if your husband behaved disgustingly before discovering his betrayal and / or leaving the family, there is nothing to fight for him and return him to the family, in principle! To chase him in the neck to the one with whom he will also ruin her life.

Secondly, if your husband was still a completely decent husband and father, and in his betrayal there is partly your female fault, then it is important and necessary to recognize her and not consider correcting your own as your own humiliation.

Admitting and correcting your mistakes is not humiliation.

But it is humiliating for your pride to take on such

obligations that you cannot fulfill.

Thirdly, if you gave yourself and your husband a word that you will do your best to survive the family crisis that has happened and exclude the repetition of past mistakes, then the behavior in this matter should be firm and definite. Because the restoration of family relations after a crisis is very similar to the storming of a dangerous vertical summit by rock climbers: no matter at what stage of conquering the summit - at the beginning of the ascent or already before the summit, it can occur, any of the failures can be the last.

If you are suddenly overcome by the notorious and difficult to control female offense, say to this offense and to yourself the words that I always say to women during my trainings or personal consultations: “Dear women! Let's be honest with ourselves to the end! You, for sure, were well aware of the fact that your relationship with your husband was getting weaker and weaker. You moved away and became just roommates, your family was a formality, without sex and without warmth, without common plans and without mutual accountability. What would you get if the situation with the detection of treason did not arise? You would continue to live without sex for months and years, robbing yourself emotionally and physically, undermining your women's health. Not receiving attention from your husband to yourself as a woman, you either would, equally or later, yourself would have got yourself a lover. Or they would have given up on themselves, would have dressed like a gray aunt. You would enjoy life less and less, smile less, making yourself a depression or illness associated with psycho-somatics. An earlier menopause with such unpleasant consequences as possible female oncology would be waiting for you. I hope you understand that a woman with an unhappy female biography is always minus a few years of life, or even several decades. The very ones who are so needed to be useful to their children and grandchildren … And in general, as in the famous song - "And I just wanted to live!"

Let us also remember that in a fading formal family, your children would never see happy moms and dads, would not see warmth in your communication. This would undermine their communication skills with the opposite sex and create problems for them in the future in their own relationships with the opposite sex, in their families. And now, an oil painting: in the future you would still lose your husband, your women's story would end and in the future you would have sad experiences for the family stories of your own adults and your children who have failed in their own families.

Is it all beautiful? Is this the perspective that you would like for yourself in the future? I hope not, and again not! Therefore, I ask you to treat the betrayal of the husband, for whom it makes sense to hold on and who went with you to preserve the family as a chance not only to save your marriage, but also:

- a chance for many more years and decades not to become neglected, flabby and eternally unhappy with everything;

- a chance to simply extend your life for several years or decades, to improve the very quality of this life;

- a chance to prolong your female sexual and emotional life, to receive many pleasant female pleasures;

- a chance to positively influence the future family life of your children and grandchildren;

- a chance to reduce the number of unpleasant news for your own elderly parents, to protect their hearts and health in general.

Let's be honest with ourselves? Is it worth the extension of your life as a whole, life as a woman, the improvement of the quality of this life of those unpleasant news and emotions that were associated with receiving information about the betrayal or the departure of the husband from the family! From my point of view, of course it's worth it !!! You received the same "magic kick" that will give you a good boost of vivacity in the future, breathe life into you. After all, life is a struggle. Life is a lesson, life is a study. And, as you know, for everything that we are not able to understand and assimilate ourselves, we have to pay.

But a chance, as you know, is not a paycheck - it is an advance.

It can be spent on drink or wasted, or it can be profitably invested. That is, they need to do it on time, quickly and correctly. And if you do everything exactly right, and with your competent actions return a worthy husband to the family, you cannot sell yourself to a falsely understood primitive female insult. In the end, think for yourself: Once your husband's resentment pushed him to treason. If you take offense at your husband, infidelity will not be far off again - or your own or your husband's new infidelity.

Do you need it? I hope no. I will tell you more: if the wife has decided to keep the family and return her husband back, in fact, it is she who becomes the head of the family. This is so, even if she herself does not want it or it will remain unknown to her husband. And now she can’t be offended all the more. After all, leadership, as you know, is a responsibility. It is not for a leader to succumb to temporary emotions. He must think for everyone, for the whole family. If your husband once could not do this, now you will. We can, you will succeed!

In general, you understand: you cannot trip yourself up with impulsive and emotional actions during the period of family recovery! Remember: with a competent management of the course of events, a husband's betrayal and a family crisis may well make a previously unhappy woman quite happy. He can shake her up, delay the onset of old age and prolong her life in every sense of the word. The main thing is for a woman to be able to show wisdom and take control of her emotions. A woman's resentment can come, but let her both come and go - by. And in any case, your husband, whom you deliberately decided to leave next to you, should not notice her visit. Only in this case, the restoration of the family will take place not for a day or a year, but for the rest of a long and happy life. What I sincerely wish you!

If you need the help of a psychologist in overcoming the crisis in your family life, I will be glad to help you during a personal or remote online consultation. The terms of the consultation are described on my website zberovski.ru

Respectfully yours, psychologist, professor Andrey Zberovsky.