2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When people climb on your head (cleverly - violate boundaries), you can (and even should) take one of three options. I will talk about them in this article.
1) The hardest and most necessary step is to deal with yourself
I think it's not a secret for anyone that people have different boundaries, and violation of boundaries is also different.
That is, one person may have something explode in the brain when he is given unsolicited advice, while the other does not care. One can get mad when they take his things without asking, and the other doesn't care. I think the point is clear.
What should be done? For yourself, you need to understand what drives you out of yourself. Track what you are reacting to emotionally. What makes you uncomfortable. That offends, angers, annoys.
If it makes you angry when a person comes to visit without asking, then it's ok. If it makes you angry that a person is getting too close when talking to you, then this is ok. If it makes you angry when someone behaves too familiarly with you and tells you how to live, then this is also ok.
For all these "angry" you have every right. Because this is a violation of your boundaries, to which you also have a right.
Retreat. This work is not done in 5 minutes, and you certainly should not do it when you are on edge. Take some time on this list, observe your reactions, analyze your reactions to different behaviors.
It's another matter if something makes you angry, but you yourself don't know what. That is, the same reaction occurs in different contexts and with different people. Then, probably (although not 100%) it is your reaction, and not other people, and you need to work with this reaction. Can you figure out this reaction yourself? OK. You can not? To a specialist.
2) Step two - protecting your borders
When you are well aware of your boundaries (that is, you understand that this is how it is possible with you, but this is not how it is), then it becomes much easier to defend them. Moreover, some border violators fall off on their own.
How to defend boundaries? Better to calmly tell the person that something does not suit you. Although a lot here depends on the context, that is, it's up to you.
What can this lead to? It may turn out that some people are with you only as long as you can climb on your head. As soon as you start to drive them away from your head, people begin to resent. It's not so bad when these people are distant acquaintances, worse when they are close.
There is nothing you can do about it. It is possible and necessary to seek compromises. Can you always find them? Do not know. Depends on the context. Sometimes you can, sometimes not.
3) Step three - simple and enjoyable
They say that you can negotiate with any person. And here I do not quite agree. With some people you need not to negotiate, but just leave them on time. Exclude them from your life. Merge out of communication.
If a close acquaintance at a meeting begins to ask too personal questions or ask for something that, in your opinion, not close acquaintances should ask, then the most reasonable thing to do is to simply stop communicating. In my picture of the world.
Although, of course, it's up to you to decide.
There are people with whom you need to negotiate, and there are people you need to leave - and only you yourself know which group this or that person belongs to. In your picture of the world.
Life is yours. Your criteria. The boundaries are yours. The environment is yours too. It's up to you to decide what to do with it.
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