About Envy: What To Do With It?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

According to the Great Psychological Dictionary, envy is a feeling of annoyance caused by the success of another, which in extreme expression reaches a strong degree of anger (hatred) in relation to the well-being of another. This is a socially conditioned feeling. Jealousy is triggered by comparing our accomplishments to the accomplishments (or what we believe to be) of another.

I think everyone has heard the division of envy into "white" and "black". In my opinion, this is not so much about the strength of the feelings experienced, but about the ability to deal with them constructively or destructively. “Black” envy is a story about destructive reactions directed at someone we envy or at ourselves (self-flagellation in the “I am a loser” style). "White" - accordingly, constructive. This is when, out of a feeling of envy, we do not collapse, but, on the contrary, push ourselves away from it in the direction of achieving our goals. If so, jealousy can help us recognize our values. If you are persistently jealous of a certain type of success, but this is not your value, then it is a good topic to investigate what envy is really there. And is it justified. For example, a person is jealous of celebrities, but being famous is not his value. When we investigate what is behind this, it may turn out that the cognitive distortion “famous = loved” is working in a person, and “to be loved” is valuable for a person. And then we work with the theme of the need to be loved, not envy.

I consider it important to pay attention to the fact that not always what seems to us the success of another is in fact. Again we look into the dictionary: success is the highest achievement of the set goal, the result of activity. When we envy the “success” of another, it would be nice to check: is it really success or is it just a pretty picture? Was that person really going towards that goal or is this what he was born with? Or is it a "side" from the achievement of other goals? What did this success cost him? Who or what contributed to it?

For example, the envy of losing weight in a person who was previously overweight. Before you envy this, comparing the before-and-after photos, clarify the following points: was this person's goal to lose weight and how did he achieve it? And how does he plan to keep his achievement? It may turn out that a person is seriously ill, or literally "killed" in the hall, or regularly makes cleansing enemas for himself. Does this sound like what you want to repeat in your life? When you know the goal and path of the other, check your goals, your background, the paths in which you tried to get to that result. Now double-check your feelings. Perhaps there was no trace of envy, or it was replaced by completely different feelings.

It is very important, when comparing your own successes and your own progress with the progress of another, to answer honestly to yourself the questions:

- from what point did I start my start towards the goal?

- what are my initial data, my psycho-bio-social characteristics?

- what obstacles to the goal do I face and how do I cope with it?

- Do I notice my progress, my "small victories"?

It is possible that you simply did not notice which path you have already been able to do!

Appreciate yourself!