Forbidden Femininity

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Forbidden femininity

(Complex of masculinity in women through the eyes of men and women)

“Fear hopes, do not know earthly love;

You cannot light wedding candles;

Do not be the soul of your family;

Do not caress a blooming baby …

But in battles I will glorify your head;

I will put you above all the virgins of the earth."

"The Maid of Orleans" F. Schiller

The psychoanalytic method for studying the origin of the most common psychological problems is based on Freud's concept of the unconscious motives of a particular human behavior, which is based on impulses, emotions, feelings repressed in the subconscious. K. Jung introduces his vision of this concept. He introduces the concept of the collective unconscious, which includes the past experience genetically embedded in each person, which is filled in the process of human evolution. And also the concepts of Anima (female part) and Animus (male part) - two constituent parts of the personality.

Navigating the article

• Influence of modern patriarchal society
• Oedipus complex
• Relationship with father
• The role of the father in shaping various female scenarios
• Castration complex. Envy
• Frigidity. Masculinity complex
• Factors influencing the psychosexual development of the girl
• Psychotherapy of female disharmony

Influenced by modern patriarchal society, "Under the shadow of Saturn" today masculinity is being formed in men. Pressing, requiring compliance with something mythical and impossible makes men insecure about their masculinity, which leads to a distortion of the formation of male identity. Some become authoritarian, directive fathers, others - "romantic fathers" who remain irresponsible "eternal youths" for life. Of course, the described distortions cannot be exhaustive in order to understand the issue of rejection of femininity, just as they cannot apply to all men. We will consider some of the segments affecting the formation of a masculinity complex in women and how the undeveloped masculinity of fathers affects the formation of female identity in daughters.

The modern view of Western society on female-male relations is bifurcated, incomplete. On the one hand, a man looks at a woman as the embodiment of purity, holiness, ideal, and on the other, under the influence of the patriarchal system, he endows femininity with irrational emotionality, gentleness and weakness. K. Jung attributes such a split perception to the state of male femininity, and not to the image of an earthly real woman. This ambivalence of feelings experienced by a man in relation to his Anime, the "inner woman", often leads to conflicts in the outside world with real women. A man, neglecting his feminine part, considers her to be “an unnecessary inconvenience in life, complicating the structure of the patriarchal mechanism” (1) and projects his attitude onto his wife and daughter.

Today, speaking about the reasons for the refusal of a woman from her feminine nature, I would like to add a feminine view of the problem, formed by female psychoanalysts: K. Horney, H. Deutsch, Linda Schierz Leonard. One of the most worthy figures in psychoanalysis can be considered Karen Horney (1885-1952), who, along with Helen Deutsch, is the generally recognized founder of the direction of the science of female psychology.

Let us recall the Soviet times - sexless comrades, whose self-realization was reduced to the sphere of work, communication, given by a limited ideology, abandoning one's individuality for the sake of a common cause and reducing sex, so that “it did not exist,” to a primitive physiological act.

Remember the episode from the film "Heart of a Dog", when Shvonder and his colleagues come to the apartment of Professor Preobrazhensky in order to get one of the rooms in the luxurious apartment of the professor. Before continuing the conversation, the professor insists that the men present take off their hats.

- And who are you? Man or woman? - Preobrazhensky asks a sexless-looking man in uniform and a cap.

- What does it matter? - the person answers.

- If you are a woman, you can stay in a headdress - explains the professor.

If, when raising a child, parents ignore his gender or reduce his (gender) value, then later this leads to the fact that, as an adult, this boy or girl will have difficulty in building close and long-term relationships with the opposite sex.

“And only now we are returning to the almost completely forgotten understanding that the world does not consist of classes and estates, not of rich and poor, not of bosses and subordinates, who are always secondary, but of men and women” (2).

Here I want to acquaint the reader with some concepts that explain from the standpoint of psychoanalysis the origin of the problem of rejection of femininity and the realization of which will help in revealing the essence of the stated topic.

The concept of "Oedipus complex" introduced into the theory of psychoanalysis by Z, Freud, the name is taken from the famous ancient myth of Oedipus. The "Oedipus situation" refers to the third phase of personality formation, which is called "phallic" and "fixation" at this stage leads to the peculiarities of psychosexual development and sex-role orientation. This period refers to 4-5 years of age of the child. The concept of "Oedipus complex" includes the characteristics of the relationship in the triangle: mother - father - child. It is believed that during the formation of the child's sexual identification, he unconsciously develops an attraction to the parent of the opposite sex. The boy wants to marry his mother when he grows up, and the girl considers her dad to be the best man in the world, fantasizing about the ideal relationship in which there is a couple - she and the father, and the mother is seen as a rival. Fixation appears when a parent, who himself did not pass this stage in childhood, is not psychologically mature, begins, just as unconsciously, to be jealous of his child for his spouse or spouse for the child.

In the experience of many psychoanalysts, one can find cases of clients who have difficulties in relations with the opposite sex, who show repressed desires to be the father's wife. And along with this desire, the desire to be a woman is supplanted, which is a kind of way out, a way to avoid psychological incest.

“Thus, the desire to be a man contributes to the suppression of incestuous female desires or resistance to their 'being brought into the light of God.'

The fantasy “I am a man” allows the girl to “escape” from the female role, in this situation - too overloaded with guilt and anxiety. Naturally, an attempt to move away from a female lifestyle to a male one inevitably brings a feeling of inferiority, since the girl begins to try on other people's claims and evaluate herself by measures alien to her biological nature, and at the same time, of course, she is faced with the feeling that she will never will be able to match them completely. Although the feeling of inferiority is very painful, the analytical experience convincingly proves to us that the ego tolerates it more easily than the feeling of guilt associated with the preservation of the female gender-role attitude”(2)

Positive outcome occurs when, over time, without receiving positive reinforcement from the parent (the parent does not flirt with the child, but firmly and unequivocally makes it clear that he loves his spouse, and the relationship with the child will forever remain exclusively child-parental) in the child's unconscious the image of a strong, reliable figure of a father and mother is formed. The libidinal focus on the parent is repressed into the unconscious and a rigid block is created against these impulses, which have no way out of memory into consciousness. Thus, a moral self, a super-ego, is formed, which allows the individual to adapt to society in terms of suppressing sexual desires. If we talk about the daughter, then the girl develops in the “correct” reality, without leaving the illusion of an ideal man. She can soberly assess her strengths and weaknesses, and is also able to comprehensively look at the personality of her future chosen one.

Negative fixation at the stage of the "Oedipus complex" leads to emotional trauma and the girl can go far from her true femininity, mistaking for the only right thing in life, that distorted role of a woman, which was passed on by psychologically immature parents. Such distortions can manifest themselves in:

- an unconscious desire to seduce, flirt with every man and woman nearby;

- again, unconsciously, someone third appears in every relationship. Either it is a relationship with married men, or a woman has a lover while being married;

- suppression of their femininity, problems with women's health and sexual satisfaction;

- the third excess may be a job that a woman prefers to time with her family.

It can also be a tendency to sacrifice, self-destruction, problems with gender identity, etc.

So, the beginning of the typical biological motives for leaving the role of a man lies in the Oedipus complex. Later, they are reinforced and supported by real discrimination against women's roles in society. And more on that later.

In this article, I focus more on the role of the father in raising a girl. In my opinion, this problem is described in a very accessible and touching way in the wonderful book “Emotional female trauma. Healing a daughter's childhood trauma in her relationship with her father,”by Linda Scheers Leonard.

As a daughter grows up, her emotional and spiritual development largely depends on her relationship with her father. The father is the first masculine figure in her life, on the basis of which a model of relations to her inner masculinity and later to real men is formed. “He also forms her otherness, uniqueness, individuality, being the“Other”, different from her and her mother” (3). A father's attitude to his daughter's femininity largely determines what kind of woman his daughter will become. “One of the many roles of a father is to help a daughter make the transition from the protected maternal realm to the outside world. To cope with it, to cope with the conflicts that it creates”(3). If the father is a loser and experiences fear himself, then the daughter is more likely to accept his attitude of shyness and fear. A father for his daughter is a model of authority, responsibility, ability to make decisions, be objective, disciplined. Those who cannot establish boundaries for themselves, have not formed a sense of inner order and discipline, remain in the adolescent stage of mental development. Romantic dreamers, avoiding conflict, unable to take responsibility, live a conditional, not real life. They live in creative aspirations and spiritual searches, in "eternal spring", ignoring the dank autumn and lifeless winter, after which true spiritual growth and rebirth takes place. Charming and enthusiastic, they do not finish anything, they avoid difficulties and routine. More often these are dependent people, don Juans, sons, reptiles in front of powerful wives and daddies who seduce their daughters (3).

The daughters of such eternal youths do not feel safe, suffer from instability, self-doubt, anxiety, frigidity, and ego weakness. Shame for a father, alcohol or drug addict, who is unable to maintain a decent job and maintain a stable standard of living is projected onto oneself. These are women who constantly feel ashamed: for themselves, for their children, for their husband and their apartment, car, dress, even for any stranger who, in front of everyone, somehow “went nuts”. Such a feeling of eternal incongruity. In such cases, she often creates the ideal of a man, sometimes devoting her whole life to finding him, ignoring the real man nearby, devaluing him.

Other fathers are rigid, cold, tough and authoritative, enslaving, frightening daughters with the power of directives. Their sensual inner femininity is devoid of vital energy. Outwardly they are authoritarian, but inwardly they are suffering and soft. Their daughters become so soft, sensitive and defenseless in the future. Obedience, duty, rationality, control and correct behavior are their lives. Such fathers often admit ridicule, sarcasm in relation to the growing daughter.

The advantages of such a father are that they are able to give a feeling of security, stability and order. The disadvantages include the suppression of femininity, manifestations of feelings, emotional immediacy.

Violations of the father's role in the daughter's life include

- excessive control, in which the girl learns to suppress her desires and emotions;

- tough, unchanging rules in the family, when fulfilling which a future woman is forever assigned one or another role that she has to play all her life;

- dad dreamers, always busy with spiritual searches, secretly hang on their daughters the expectations of their unfulfilled hopes, unprecedented fantastic successes;

- dads - macho - demand to "plow like a horse", not recognizing weaknesses and feelings.

Daughters either obey or rebel against the life imposed on them. But in both cases, they do not move away from the usual scenario, neither one nor the other brings them closer to themselves. In their married couples, the learned roles are played - the domineering wife and the "eternal youth" - the husband, or the authoritarian "daddy" with the "eternal girl - lolita". These roles suppress a woman's individual multifaceted femininity. During the sessions, we eventually come to the question: “Who am I in general? What am I? " Often, removing social roles - wife, mother, accountant, etc. it is difficult for a woman to say something about herself. And then begins a true acquaintance with oneself and filling one's personality with strength, love, femininity.

Conventionally, we can distinguish two scenarios of life, patterns of behavior in women who did not receive proper support from their fathers - "the eternal girl" and "Amazon in the shell". In the book "Emotional female trauma …." the author dwells in detail on the description of the varieties of these patterns, offers a look at female roles from different angles. Also, in my opinion, the main female unhappy patterns are shown in the film "Vicky, Christina, Barcelona". The main male character, Juan Antonio, is a reckless, psychologically immature man. Female Characters: Tradi- tional, Over-Responsible and Anxious Wicca Role "Amazons in shell"; "Eternal girl" like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower, Christina, who does not find satisfaction and true affection in a relationship; Maria Elena, image "Worthless" (3) - a woman who becomes rejected by society or herself rebel against it."

Submissive daughters - "Eternal girls" - dependent on other people's projections, who find it difficult to define their own identity. They accept whatever roles their authoritarian husbands demand of them. A femme fatale, an ideal wife, princess or muse - they can do anything. But for some reason there is no happiness. It is difficult for such women to answer the question “Who You?", "What You want?".

Another pattern is "woman in a case" "Amazon in the shell". Often - these are outwardly successful beautiful women, lonely and weak inside. Such women observed in childhood an irresponsible, emotionally cold father. Men are perceived as weak, unable to provide for and support a family. You cannot rely on them, you can only rely on yourself. At the unconscious level, a masculine masculine identity is formed, while femininity is devalued. Such women strive for excessive control, which creates the illusion of reliability and stability.

Often these two patterns are combined in one personality. A frightened girl is always hiding behind the thick shell of an Amazon. Both are infinitely far from their true self, deprived of connection with their feminine core.

Castration complex envy

Karen Horney in her book "Female Psychology" draws the reader's attention to the fact that Freud's "castration complex" and penis envy are more consistent with the boys' notions of girls than men about women and cannot be accepted as significant reasons for refusal from femininity in modern society. The "castration complex" refers to that period of psychosexual development when boys are convinced that girls also have a penis, and, upon learning of its absence, build the infantile assumption that girls are castrated boys. “Punished”, thus, for bad behavior, disobedience of the girl, see their own inferiority in the absence of a penis. Girls have envy for what she was deprived of. The boy is sure that the girl is jealous of him, because in his eyes she is an inferior person and should feel humiliated and want to take revenge. Karen Horney expresses great doubt that this discovery can play such an important role in the girl's life that it negates all the wealth that nature has given her.

About the "Complex of masculinity", the rejection of femininity we say when a woman does not see her own merits as a woman at all. She compares her achievements with the values of the male world, where she, of course, is untenable. It is untenable, because these values are alien to her by nature, they do not give her genuine holistic satisfaction, which can be given exclusively by internal femininity, and in men as well. With a "masculinity complex", motherhood is assessed as an aggravating factor that interferes with self-realization. In such cases, Karen Horney notes a woman's pronounced insecurity, manifested in excessive self-criticism and timidity, which originate in the depths of the "castration complex", explained by unconscious envy of a man and a desire to identify with a strong male figure.

“The presence of a strong unconscious desire to become a man is unfavorable for the formation of normal sex-role behavior. The very inner logic of such a desire should lead to frigidity, or even to a complete rejection of a man as a sexual partner. Frigidity, in turn, reinforces the feeling of one's own inferiority, since deep down in the soul it is unmistakably experienced as an inability to love. Often this is completely contrary to the conscious perception of her own frigidity, which is individually interpreted by a woman as abstinence, chastity. In turn, the subconscious feeling of one's own sexual impairment leads to neurotically conditioned jealousy of other women (2)

The masculinity complex and associated frigidity has its origins in the period of childhood when girls can really envy the genitals of boys. At 4-5 years old, the period of gender-role identification, neither the girl nor the boy can appreciate the indisputable biological advantage - to be a mother, which is given to the girl by nature.

It is realized by the boy later and is already the envy of an adult man, which will contribute to the development of creativity, sublimating envy into works of art.

We will consider the concept of frigidity as a personality disorder, although some sexologists consider frigidity as a common norm in the behavior of a civilized woman.

We will consider the psychological aspect of frigidity, which can be characterized as a prohibition on the manifestation of sexuality. The significance of this phenomenon in a woman's life is enormous, because frigidity affects almost all functions of the female body, not only in the psychological aspect.

Often this is a violation of the function of female organs, mammary glands, irregularity of the menstrual cycle, dysmenorrhea, a state of irritation, tension or weakness from the middle of the cycle. Frigidity in the psychological aspect also includes the unwillingness to have children, rationalized by the lack of money, difficulties in relationships. During pregnancy, miscarriages, poor health. When a child is born - unwillingness to breastfeed, take care of him, postpartum depression, irritation and panic at the sight of a baby. In everyday life, frigidity can manifest itself in the excessive scrupulousness and cleanliness of the hostess, or in the unwillingness to do household chores at all.

But there is the most important indicator of frigidity, which is always present - this is a disharmonious relationship with a man

“Here I would like to say only this: whether it manifests itself in complete indifference or deadly jealousy, in suspicion or irritability, in capricious demands or a feeling of inferiority, in the need to have lovers or in the desire for intimate friendship with women, there is always one common trait - the inability to complete spiritual and physical merging with the object of love”(2).

On a conscious level, such women can behave and look very feminine, sexy and cute. And we are not talking about frigidity as aversion to sex. At sessions of psychodynamic therapy, penetrating into the unconscious sphere of such women, we find ourselves rejecting our female role. Speaking about this at the sessions, the woman argues in defense of her choice, explaining it by the inability of men to be "real men", the inability to achieve success in society, realizing as a woman.

On the psychosexual development of the girl are influenced by many factors other than those described. Initial penis envy is still narcissistic, non-object-oriented. With favorable development (absence of emotional and physical trauma), narcissistic envy becomes an object, manifested in love for a man and a child. Additional conditions in the psychosexual formation of a girl are also relationships in the family. This is debatability or avoidance of discussing the topic of sex; and accidentally seen sexual intercourse of parents, which can be understood as violence against a woman; and menstrual blood, which only confirms the fact of violence in the little girl's understanding; cases when the family pays more attention to the brother. These are the things that can block the normal development of femininity and contribute to the choice of male identification as more advantageous and conducive to survival.

The observed painful state of the mother during menstruation, the abuse of her father only strengthens the girl's conviction that being a woman is dangerous and painful.

If these events take place in the life of a girl, especially during the period of 3-5 years, when she naturally identifies herself with the mother's principle, and during the same period, an unconscious attraction to her father appears, and the feeling of anxiety and guilt that follows is displaced in unconsciously, that is, there is a high probability of the emergence and consolidation of a complex of muscularity and rejection of femininity

“Because of her anxiety and guilt, a girl may completely“turn away”from her role as a woman and find refuge in fictitious masculinity. Masculine desires, initially arising from naive envy (which, given its nature, is doomed to quickly disappear) are now reinforced by anxiety and guilt, and these two powerful forces can already lead to the above-described consequences (2)

In the future, the growing girl is forced to confirm her childish unconscious choice by making fun of everything feminine (clothes, hobbies, caring for her appearance and comfort, home). At the same time, manifesting itself in the male world, inner insecurity and dissatisfaction leads to a feeling of loss and misunderstanding of oneself.

Unfortunately, even if the events described did not take place in the girl's life, then “coming out”, looking for her place in society, she will face a male patriarchal world, where a woman is less valuable than a man. The male splitting of femininity into ideal (muse, lover, goddess) and earthly (mother of his children, wife, mistress) does not in any way contribute to the disclosure of true femininity, the formation of an integral personality. A woman must choose: a stable relationship in marriage or vivid sexual experiences and building her personal space, where there is a hobby, sports, self-care, travel. These patriarchal restrictions, forcing a woman to accept the unspoken choice of giving up sexuality and the wealth of inner experiences, lead to frigidity more quickly compared to the "castration complex" and the "oedipal complex". Moreover, it does not matter what kind of choice a woman will make - either in favor of a stable relationship or in favor of an "adventurer", a "business woman". In either case, this leads to a violation of the integrity of the feminine core, a feeling of inferiority of one's femininity.

Healthy displays of femininity are possible when sexual attraction is combined with emotion. If a woman does not love, she cannot get true satisfaction in sex. This is not about orgasm, this is about fulfillment and female happiness.

The absence of this tandem contributes to increased frigidity and rejection of femininity.

In each individual case, having dealt with the individual characteristics of a woman's psychosexual development, one can identify the personal factors of each client, realize them and come to a real understanding of the reason for the "ban on femininity."

Psychotherapy of female disharmony

I want to emphasize once again that we are dealing with internal reality, with unconscious attitudes, which during their formation played an adaptive role in the girl's life, contributing to her "survival" in external reality, in society. In psychotherapy, we carefully familiarize ourselves with this inner reality and consider each of the attitudes for their usefulness in a given period of a woman's life.

If we are talking about dad or mom, husband or child, we change relationships with internal characters, attitudes, which further leads to a change in external real relationships. In psychodynamic therapy using the symbol drama method, we study symbols that characterize internal conflicts and introjects of significant people.

For successful therapy, regardless of the method, the determining factor for success is the woman's desire to change her life, to take responsibility for herself, and not to shift it onto her dad or men in general.

“In an amazing journey to oneself, filled with fears and doubts, joys and disappointments, the personal core is filled, its deformed boundaries are aligned. It is necessary to find, recognize frozen crystals of feelings of guilt, anxiety, shame, resentment, live them, melt them with love and tears, the fire of unspoken anger and rage. At the end of the journey to love and harmony, there is an awareness and acceptance of all facets of the manifestation of femininity. And a soft compliant daughter - a doll, and a strong powerful queen - a mother, and "Shadow", which can break and trample any rules, and a subtle creative nature, creating something new - whether it be works of art or any most daring business project ". (3)

In psychotherapeutic work, we go through the following stages. We determine the type of emotional trauma, fill the client with resources. The very first resource is a sense of security and stability. In addition to creating a therapeutic space, you can use such symbolic dramatic motifs as "Meadow", "Stream", "Pottery Workshop", "Safe Place", "Building a Fortress", etc. When the client's condition is relatively stable over a long period of time, we begin to clarify different aspects of a woman's personality, define their role in her life, look for strength in them, get rid of unnecessary, obsolete ones. The art therapeutic method "Masks" is very good at this stage, as well as the symbolic dramatic motive "The Edge of the Forest". Here we work through internal conflicts, find ways to reconcile parts of the personality, which, undoubtedly, is reflected in the external life of the client. Relationships with others are changing for the better, although it may seem that nothing is being done intentionally for this. Immersion in the experience of emotional trauma can also occur here. A successful dynamic is the integration of negative events into experience and wisdom, which leads to spiritual growth and personal development. In external life, an integrated person is a balanced, harmonious person who knows how to love and be loved, has his own interests, creative projects, physically and mentally healthy. She accepts her parents and feels grateful to her parents for what they were able to give. Able not to remake her children, trying to embody their unlived lives in them, but to give them the opportunity to manifest their innate abilities. Acting from the core of her personality, and not just using adaptive responses to external stimuli of circumstances. Aware of her boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others.

At the end of therapy, we make plans, discuss ways to implement them. Here you can also use NLP techniques - the creation of a new part of the personality, the integration of neurolinguistic levels, the symbolic-dramatic motives "Magic Shop", "My Kingdom", "Knot in a Path" and many others.

According to Jung, the task of personal growth is to recognize the conflicting, shadow side of the personality. See the value of each side of the personality.

“We all carry a trace of the psychological influence of our parents, but we are not doomed to remain forever only the products of their influence. The psyche has a natural healing process aimed at achieving balance and integrity. In addition, there are natural patterns of behavior in the psyche, which we call archetypes and which may well serve us as internal models, even if external models are absent or do not satisfy”(3).

AN IMPORTANT ASPECT OF CHANGE IS A WOMAN'S AWARENESS OF THOSE PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR THAT ARE IMPOSED TO HER TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE, THEIR PROCESSING, LIVING AND CHANGING HIMSELF AND HER LIFE

List of used literature

1. "We" Robert Johnson
2. "Women's Psychology" by Karen Horney (adaptation of the book by Mikhail Reshetnikov)
3. “Emotional female trauma. Healing a daughter's childhood trauma in her relationship with her father.”Linda Scheers Leonard
4. Magazine "Symboldrama" №1-2 (10) 2016 "Katatimno-imaginative psychotherapy in work with mental trauma."
5. Reproduction of the painting by Salvador Dali "Three Appearances of Gala's Face".