What Does The Husband Think When He Is Convicted Of Treason?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

This is a very curious and subtle question. To answer it, I recently sat down and studied more than a thousand male questionnaires that I had compiled during family counseling. According to my calculations, if we take men unexpectedly caught in absolutely proven adultery as 100%, the indicators of this "thinking" will be something like this:

- 30% of convicted husbands are sincerely tormented by remorse for what they have done, and are thinking about how they can quickly end this "left" relationship and earn forgiveness in front of their wife. But half of these men still cannot immediately overcome their psychological dependence on their mistress. Therefore, the process of parting is delayed for many months and is often accompanied by shuttle throwing back and forth, from wife to mistress and vice versa.

- 25% of convicted husbands exponentially sprinkle ashes on their heads, apologize to their wife, give her conciliatory fur coats-cars-tickets-jewelry, but in reality they only think about how to save their face in front of their mistress and continue the relationship with her so that the wife could no longer notice it. Half of these men, then still decide to part with their mistress and keep the family. But, again, this process is long and painful.

- 20% of convicted husbands exponentially repent in front of their wife, and they themselves quietly rejoice that the wife did not find out about other mistresses. Including - about acting, parallel to the one that was "calculated" by the vigilant wife. And they expect to quietly continue relations with them, strengthening security measures.

- 15% of convicted husbands sigh with relief that everything has finally been revealed, and there is no longer any need to hide, and then leave the family for their old lover. Half of them then come back.

- 10% of convicted husbands are so unprepared to reveal their infidelity that they do not have a clear position at all about what to do: what words to say, who to call, where to go. They fall into shock, then collapse, and then either drag out for time, or leave the family for a while (to their mother, to the office, to a rented apartment, to friends, to a friend, etc.). These men expect to make their decision as the situation develops. At the same time, they plan to take into account the degree of the wife's awareness of the identified connection, the degree of the wife's adaptability and her material dependence on her husband; attitude towards what happened on the part of children and relatives; risks of contacts between a wife and a mistress; the degree of danger of the husband / friend / lover's parents; possible problems at work; the severity of the procedure for a possible divorce, etc.

Something like this looks like the statistics of male thinking right at the moment when the wife not only declares to her husband that she “knows everything”, but also presents concrete arguments.

Now I will give a few comments.

Firstly, the overwhelming majority of cheating men, even very high-profile and smart ones, are in fact not ready for such a conversation with an angry wife. As my polls show, they can think a lot about this in advance, even rehearse a dialogue with their wife, but most often they get lost at a critical moment. This is because, in the depths of their souls, men always consider themselves the smartest and until the last hope that the wife does not recognize (((Therefore, their initial reaction does not always guarantee one hundred percent fulfillment of what will be declared by the man at this moment. As I indicated above Those who sincerely want to keep their family together can in fact file for divorce and leave, and those planning to start a new life with their mistress eventually return to the family.

Secondly, wives who are eager to fight, having just learned that their husband has another woman, run the risk of only aggravating their situation. Since they are in a hurry, they can take some one-time or short relationship of the husband for something more serious. As a result, the husband is caught on a mere trifle, he easily refuses a momentary connection (like a lizard throws its tail), but makes the right organizational conclusions and more competently hides serious love relationships on the side. Therefore, a wife should not go into a serious conversation with her husband without being psychologically prepared for various options for the development of the situation. Otherwise, you yourself will have to apologize to the cheater.

Thirdly, even if the cheating husband immediately confessed and repented, this is not at all a guarantee that the story of the betrayal was happily resolved and ended. You need to be realistic: it is extremely difficult and painful to break a comfortable intimate relationship with a woman for a man! Men regularly confess to me what my client Victor (name has been changed) stated in his letter: “Andrey, the first weeks and months after my wife caught me and I told her that I had made a firm decision to stay in the family, I catch myself thinking that my brain is only doing what is looking for any ways and reasons to write and call an alleged “ex-girlfriend”. The brain, directly or veiled, drives me to meet again with my mistress, hug her, enter into sex. I understand that I am ready to go to any lie, to any vows, any expenses and actions, so long as the relationship does not end, and the mistress is still only mine! From feeling guilty before my family, I easily turn to hatred for my wife, to the fact that she once led me to marriage. Jealousy and desire for sex only with this, the only woman on earth, my mistress, oppresses and mangles me, like a drug addict on withdrawal, literally turns me inside out.

Only one thought pulsates in my head: “Go to her at any cost and don’t try to lose her! Lie, cheat, hurt yourself and others, do what you want, ruin your life and career, give up property, lose your reputation, but just be by her side! It does not matter what was in the past, what will be in the future: it is only important that you are next to the one with whom you felt so good in bed and in communication!"

Realizing this, having the remnants of rationality to evaluate my own behavior, I fully understand the full justice of my wife's fears that I could deceive her again and again! I am offended by her mistrust of me, but she is three times right about that! You can't trust me !!! As soon as they blindly trust me, I will immediately deceive! I will start another phone or account; make a date through her girlfriends or my friends; I will guard her at home or office until I meet her; make up a meeting or a business trip, etc. So, in such painful thoughts, the first months pass after the discovery of my betrayal and reconciliation … My wife needs to make sure that she does not crush me with her resentment and total control, and I cannot get out of her control, albeit very unpleasant, because I will break again at all serious! And it's hard for her and me. Although, of course, it is much harder for her …"

Hence, I ask women to be a little wiser: to be ready for male breakdowns in the direction of his mistress, not to chop off the shoulder in case of relapse of the "left" connection, and a couple of times to give her husband new chances. Moreover, given the fact that many mistresses do not give up, they are fighting a tough and stubborn struggle for their married partners, especially if they have status and money. But you should give a chance while simultaneously strengthening your vigilance and control over the unfaithful husband. Moreover, it is important to do this not in a harsh or offensive manner. How exactly is described in my book "If your husband cheated or left, and you want to return him back to your family."

Fourthly, it is important for a wife to understand that the moment of a conversation with her husband after revealing his infidelity should not be the point of falling of this family to the very bottom. And there is no need to insult and beat your cheating husband so that the severity of what you have done can outweigh the severity of his betrayal and push your husband away from you completely, into the arms of a triumphant mistress. On the contrary, remember: this moment should be the beginning of the ascent from this very bottom upward, to family harmony! Therefore, if the husband behaves correctly, one should not endlessly humiliatingly poke him into what he has done, but immediately propose a program for modernizing relations, a scheme for improving the marriage model. This is specifically written in my book How to Strengthen Your Marriage.

And remember: the wife is categorically not allowed to expel the unfaithful husband from the house herself. But it is not worth holding back the unfaithful husband if he himself leaves the family: let him leave, think for himself and return himself.

Fifth, any agreements with the husband regarding his refusal from his mistresses and improving family relations towards their transparency (no passwords on the phone and in social networks, full information about income and expenses, pastime, etc.) should be immediately recorded in writing. ! A hesitating man is important and must be delicately backed up with such obligations that can be presented to him, children, his parents, even the most obsessive mistress. Otherwise, he will again and again slide into the murky maelstrom of treason.

Sixth, do not give the cheating husband time to come up with a version of what happened, in which he will look like a victim and an injured party (from you and from his mistress). Insist on the husband's immediate decision of principle: with you or with his mistress. Demand his immediate call or SMS to his mistress with a message that the connection was a gross mistake and has already been terminated forever. Even if later the man tries to continue the relationship with his mistress, his demonstrated willingness to abandon her makes an indelible and painful impression on smart women. They no longer believe their cowardly lover and do not seek to hold on to him, realizing that their relationship may not have prospects.

Seventh, even if the convicted husband did everything quickly and correctly (broke off the connection, improved family relations, etc.), a smart wife should understand: if you do not make cardinal positive changes in family life, leisure, communication and intimacy, one mistress may be replaced by another. All this needs to be revived. And - not by the efforts of only one wife! If a cheating husband takes a passive position on this issue, it is not a fact that a woman should please such a partner: it may make sense to start talking about filing for divorce herself, at least for educational purposes, in order to shake the man up and motivate him to fight for a family. However, all the nuances of such actions should be discussed in detail with an experienced psychologist.

And further. If this article is read by a man who has been convicted of treason by his wife, I advise you not to trust yourself 100% and strengthen your determination to keep the family free of resentment against his wife for the temporary total control imposed on her. It's not just that you deserve it with your wrongdoing, but also that you need it yourself in order to avoid dangerous temptations. Read Victor's letter again, it is very revealing.

Actually, that's all. I hope my information will be useful to you. All this is described in more detail in my books such as "The Seven Quakes", "How to Assess the Strength of Your Marriage", "If Your Husband Has Cheated or Left, and You Want to Return Him Back to Your Family", "Tips from a Family Psychologist." They will help you better understand yourself and your own family behavior.

If in your relationship you encounter some particularly tangled grievances and conflicts, find yourself in a deep personal and family crisis, I will be glad to give advice from a family psychologist on a personal (in Moscow) or online consultation (via Skype, Viber, Vatsap or by phone with the whole world).

Sign up for a personal or online consultation by phone: +79266335200.