Abandoned Man Complex

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Article author: Slava Smelovsky

Whatever one may say, but one part of our experiences revolves around trust and distrust (schizoid character), and the other - around caring and losing this concern.

How does the inner world of an abandoned person work? The passionate lives there desire for love. Together with the realization that it is impossible to receive this care. A person caught up in the "abandoned complex" is deeply convinced that love is always unhappy and that no one needs it.

He hates his desires. In his perception, he is strong, he can refuse everything and he also does not need anyone. In fact, this is an abandoned, offended child. The eternal child. Because I'm not talking about a temporary situation of separation and loneliness. I'm talking about a character type that has several names: "oral character", "abandoned complex".

So, the "abandoned complex". By the appearance of such a person, it seems that he has never been surrounded by care. Primary defenses are activated (denial, projection, identification, sometimes self-aggrandizement is present). Unlike the schizoid, the oral character did not have to survive at the initial stage, they do not have a fear of reality, therefore they are more skillful in defenses. One's own needs are denied. When asked "What do you want?" - the person freezes. He "has no right to want" … As he grows up, he begins to meet the needs of other people. It is precisely the needs that he ignores in himself. He thinks something like this: "I will take care of another. And if I provide a lot of care, then I will no longer be abandoned." Sacrifice? Yes, we are talking about that too - the plots are similar.

Thinking is childish, creative, euphoric, hyperactive. It is difficult for the "abandoned" to be given complex logical constructions. Self-denial and asceticism, which a person considers his dignity. No contact with your aggression and hostility … They have chronic irritation that never turns into anger. Low excitability, fear of loneliness, jealousy.

Any experience of fear for them is not a signal for action, but a trauma that increases passivity.

In general, they are somewhat similar to the codependent structure of the personality, but "abandoned", in general, can exist on its own. They are talkative, verbally gifted, and started talking early. Yes, in general, we matured early. They have a lot of problems in love affairs - a lot of problems with sex, because sexuality is about differences, and they rather look for similarities with a partner, identify with him. It is a desire for a tactile sensation, but not for intercourse. Caring for others is cyclical: they are on the rise when they care for others, and then they get tired.

These people often choose low-paying jobs in social spheres and helping professions. At the same time, they are, as it were, in a "mother" position. After all if a person grew up without sufficient maternal care, then the role of the mother is reproduced by his own behavior.

The main mental defense: "I don't need anything." Turning against oneself one's own needs, the inability to get something in the world, to experience pleasure and satisfaction, chronic hunger, thirst and loneliness.

Remember Tantalus, who experiences intolerable pangs of hunger and thirst in the underworld? Yes, there are fruits and water nearby. But when he bends down to drink, water flows away from him. And when he reaches for the fruit, they become inaccessible. Hunger brings discomfort. Hunger becomes the enemy. To survive, he needs to reject hunger and his needs.

Remember the experience of abandonment and the feelings that you had. Ask yourself a series of questions: How did you protect yourself from these feelings and experiences? If you were scared, what were you scared of? If you felt guilty, what did you blame yourself for? If there was anger, then at whom?

Now imagine that you are putting off all these experiences far, far away. So far away that you no longer feel their presence, but something inside you still remembers it and will always remember it. This is how such a complex is formed.

And this happens during the first year of life. How exactly? Let's take a look at the basic needs of a child:

-Love (emotional contact)

-Heat (tactile contact)

-Fairy tale (magical thinking)

-Structure (a certain mode that gives a sense of stability).

Parent and child structures are different hierarchies. Boundaries should be drawn between them. The child ceases to be one with the mother at the moment when the umbilical cord is cut - they love each other, but they are different people with different responsibilities and goals. When a child begins to walk and make his first discoveries in this world, it is important for him to "return to his mother."

Oral character is formed when the mom (or whoever stands in her place) is unable to meet any of these needs. This is how the defense is formed: "Mom doesn't need me." And then inversion happens (this is when the child says that "he will take care of himself") and reversion (the only way to receive care is identification with the object of care and dependence).

And here is a more detailed chain of what happens in this scenario:

I wanted, but didn't get it, so my mom doesn't need me (sometimes in the history of the formation of an oral character, one can observe the illness or death of one of the parents)

I do not want anything. Warm feelings directed to my mother move to another object (to the object of dependence) Love for myself is transformed into hatred (my mother treats me badly, which means I must treat myself badly) Auto-aggression arises - after all, it is impossible to express aggression against my mother, she is already rejects everything.

The child is forced to grow up early - he starts talking and walking early. What happens to the body of an "abandoned person"? Rounded, pinched shoulders set forward, head pushed forward, sunken chest, shortness of breath, there is a clamp between the shoulder blades. Many spasms in the neck (they keep crying), clenched jaws, inhibiting aggression.

They cannot play the movement of the blow as a joke. Stiff knees and a little awkward gait. Legs are tense. The pelvis is pushed forward, there is no flexibility in the legs. Legs are thin and usually weak - running and jumping is not about them. Desperate eyes in need. The whole body is underdeveloped. From diseases: often headaches, stomatitis, respiratory tract infections, frequent injuries of the knee joints. Any sudden movements in the shoulder girdle lead to dislocations.

Activity in the mouth area is often observed: they gnaw hands, chew.

Based on the above, we can assume with what topics such clients come to me for therapy:

Soreness (decreased vitality)

Workaholism

Eating disorders (for example, it is difficult for such a person to distinguish between physiological hunger and psychological appetite)

Jealousy (behind it is the fear of abandonment)

Sexual dysfunctions (sex for such a person is a way to calm down and make sure that he is not abandoned)

Typical life scenarios

My needs are too great

I don’t have to give anything, I’ll achieve everything myself.

Never ask for anything.

Approximate terms of therapeutic work: about one and a half years. Although it happens for life. And what? Some people go to the gym all the time, and psychotherapy is a gym for the soul. Why is it so long (although it really is not long)?

At the heart of the abandonment complex lies the ancient archaic fear of being abandoned. his tribe. And starve to death alone. Or be eaten by wild animals. The choice is not rich. Therefore, you have to dig deep. And you also have to take care of such a client - after all, long-term psychotherapy, in the final analysis, is about one of the forms of care.

The therapy takes place in 4 stages:

Consulting stage (you can even call it coaching if you like)

Positive transference, in which the therapist acts as a mom to share with Negative transference (I am a hungry child, but I need boundaries)

Integration.

The goals of therapy - release crying, allow yourself to ask for help, trust the world along with its limitations and not wait for someone special to come and feed. Is it possible to go through these stages alone? No.

Why was there a mourning culture before? Why isn't the funeral alone? The mourning phase cannot be passed alone without being deeply traumatized. And if you no longer have the strength to cry, then chronic depression is formed. Self-loathing and guilt emerge during therapy.

In this case guilt is self-directed aggression, and a way to control what is happening. At the same time, the logic here is: "I am guilty, but I will correct myself and everything will be fine. They will take me back to my family, to the tribe."

What beliefs should emerge as a result of therapy?

I can ask others to take care of me

I declare my right to demand and insist

I can regret my losses and cry

I can be loved

I can receive

I can enjoy what I have without asking for more

I'll never get everything, but I can get more than I got before.

I can get mad

Let's take a closer look at the whole healing process this time. Remember that such people do not know how to express needs and ask for help? Therefore, their statement that they need help is already progress.

… I hope that those of you who fit the description of this complex read these lines and draw the proper conclusions: what is happening to you is not the norm, the anxiety of abandonment and the feeling of abandonment that is hidden in the depths of your personality requires attention.

What therapeutic strategies are there? The first questions to go are:

How do you understand that you want something?

What is happening to you at this moment?

What happens to your feelings? This is work with the "want" zone after which melancholy emerges, which turns into despair. Here the trauma of abandonment will sound

And now there is rage, anger towards the mother. It is important to let this anger be, and then teach how to cope with it (you can do sports, for example). At this point, the client often asks the question "What's the point of being angry?"

But the point is, emotions don't make sense. Now, if you give a person a chair on the head, then the person is offended. Emotions are reactions to the environment and its impact. Emotions are a signal - for example, if I feel angry, it means that someone is breaking my boundaries.

Fear comes with anger. And when such clients are angry, and the therapist perceives it normally, then this is a revelation for them. This is how the entire family system (real or encoded in memory) begins to move as anger is expressed. But you need to learn how to express aggression in an acceptable way. Here we have to do a lot of work with breathing: breathing exercises and techniques await us.

After working through the fear, I work with a feeling of powerlessness. It's about contact with your body. This is about the fact that the body, thoughts and emotions are part of a single whole. I hint that it would be nice to do physical activity. It should also interpret the protections and return them to the client.

For example: "It is probably very important for you to help everyone, otherwise you feel unnecessary. You think that you are great and that if you can save other people, then you are better than you really are."

Remember inversion and reversion? This is the moment when the client begins to take care of the therapist, like: "dear psychologist, how do you feel yourself?"

Here is work with cycloidy (when first there is an ascent, with which a person runs to help someone, and then a breakdown follows). Here it is important to convey to the client that until he understands that this is a recurring story that he himself is happy with over and over again, nothing will change.

After all, it is he himself who builds his life so that there are too many needy people around, who will disappear without his help. In working with a personal story, I show that you can burn through loss. That this complex is reflected in his personal life, or that his addictions are connected with the fact that "food will never leave him."

This story has to be spoken out on a rational level. In response, feelings arise and this is the norm. They need to be worked out so that the pattern does not repeat itself, including in future generations. How can such a repetition happen? For example, a client might be trying to be a super-mother that he personally never had. Then he abandons the children, because it is impossible to live like this and passes the story on. Now he chooses whether to stop the life scenario or continue it further. In parallel, work with skills takes place: how can a person understand that he is not very good?

For example, look at a thermometer and if it shows a high temperature, then perhaps you should leave work and go to sleep. This seems obvious to some, but not to him. How does he know he wants to rest? You can keep a diary: what time he went to bed, how he ate and when. He lacks the skills of self-complacency and self-care.

And for a person with a complex of abandoned revelation, it is that one can not spontaneously fall into defense, but choose which defense to turn to. We learn to be aware of defense mechanisms. It is being trained and practiced. And sometimes his favorite denial will be really appropriate. We'll have to work with a strategy to overcome fears. Someone makes talismans for themselves or masters breathing techniques.

Others work by talking to themselves and using a cognitive approach. Clients with this complex often stimulate themselves with liters of coffee so that they have the strength to help others. I restore the ability to live without stimulants. But it's difficult if you forget to take care of yourself.

The client must learn how to formulate requests for help and ask for it. At some point, he may feel overwhelmed and ask for help … How will he do it? In loneliness, self-destructive behavior is exacerbated. What else can you do when you are alone? How to develop tolerance for loneliness? They have a lot of glitches about how other people feel.

But no one can read other people's minds. And the client will be angry and offended at this thought. This is where infantilism is manifested. But the stories that he builds for himself are his fantasies. They may or may not match reality.

Reality needs to be "tested". If there is a complaint about a partner (that he invests little in their relationship), then it is worth working to strengthen the ability to reciprocate. Or it may be that the partner gives what he gives in the way that he can. And you can learn to accept it. Or look for another partner … Now it is clear why this kind of therapy takes a long time?

In the mythology of different peoples, the theme of expulsion from paradise is traced. And when this happens, then paradise remains something distant and unattainable. With the "abandoned complex", a person is sure that paradise is no longer for him. And therapy helps him understand that heaven is very close on earth. Paradise is attainable, and he has every right to enter it and taste all the fruits of his stay there.